A teen sneaks up to shoot a cute girl with a Squirtgun to win a high school game called Killer. Meanwhile, two hit men sneak up to kill the girl's abusive stepdad, Arthur. Arthur cheated his bosses at corrupt Penultimate, Inc., which equipped a Florida jail with automatic garage-opener gates that accidentally freed prisoners in a lightning storm. Confusion happens, witnessed by a bum named Puggy, camped in a tree in Arthur's yard.
The New York Times calls him "the funniest man in America," and his legions of fans agree, laughing and snorting as they put his books on bestseller lists nationwide. In Boogers Are My Beat, Dave gives us the real scoop on: * The scientific search for the world's funniest joke (you can bet it includes the word "weasel") * RV camping in the Wal-Mart parking lot * Outwitting "smart" kitchen appliances and service contracts * Elections in Florida ("You can't spell Florida without 'duh'") * The Olympics, where people from all over the world come together to accuse each other of cheating * The truth about the Dakotas, the Lone Ranger, and feng shui * The choice between death and taxes And much, much more--including some truths about journalism and serious thoughts about 9/11. Dave Barry won the Pulitzer Prize for commentary in 1988, and his columns are syndicated in more than 500 newspapers. His most recent books, Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down and the novels Big Trouble and Tricky Business, were national bestsellers. He lives in Miami, Floriduh.
How to become the head of a major corporation in roughly a week
"One of the funniest peole ever to tap tap on a PC. "PHILADELPHIA INQUIRERNot since George Bush's memorable dinner with the Japanese prime minister has the Land of the Rising Sun seen the likes of a goodwill ambassador like Dave Barry. Join him as he belts out oldies in a karaoke bar, marries a geriatric geisha girl, takes his first bath in public, bows to just about everyone, and explores culture shock in all its numerous humorous forms, including: Failing to Learn Japanese in Only Five Minutes (Or: "Very Much Good Morning, Sir!"); Humor in Japan (Take My Tofu, Please!); Sports in Japan ("Yo, Batter! Loudly Make it Fly!"), and more.
Understanding the urgent need for a deeply thoughtful, balanced book to explain our national political process, Dave Barry has not even come close. Though he himself has covered many campaigns, run for president several times, and run for cover at the rainy inauguration of George W. Bush (the man will spare nothing for his art), Barry has instead outdone himself. Below the Beltway includes Barry's stirring account of how the United States was born, including his version of a properly written Declaration (When in the course of human events it behooves us, the people, not to ask "What can our country do for us, anyway?" but rather whether we have anything to fear except fear itself) and a revised Constitution (Section II: The House of Representatives shall be composed of people who own at least two dark suits and have not been indicted recently). Dave also cracks the income-tax code and explains the growth(s) of government, congressional hearing difficulties, and the persistent rumors of the influence of capital in the Capitol. Among other civic contributions, his tour of Washington D. C. should end school class trips forever.
"RELENTLESSLY FUNNY . . . BARRY SHINES." --People. A self-professed computer geek who actually does Windows 95, bestselling humorist Dave Barry takes us on a hilarious hard drive via the information superhighway--and into the very heart of cyberspace, asking the provocative question: If God had wanted us to be concise, why give us so many fonts? Inside you'll find juicy bytes on How to Buy and Set Up a Computer; Step One: Get Valium Nerdstock in the Desert; Or: Bill Gates Is Elvis Software: Making Your Computer Come Alive So It Can Attack You Word Processing: How to Press an Enormous Number of Keys Without Ever Actually Writing Anything Selected Web Sites, including Cursing in Swedish, Deformed Frog Pictures, and The Toilets of Melbourne, Australia And much, much more! "VERY FUNNY ... After a day spent staring at a computer monitor, think of the book as a kind of screen saver for your brain." --New York Times Book Review
Dave Barry reveals the shocking secrets of his biplanetary identity in a transparent attempt to get on some afternoon talk shows and sell a few extra copies of this latest collection of his funniest syndicated columns. Maybe you read a really funny Dave Barry column and really, really meant to save it, but we all know how that goes: out with the rest of the recyclables. Or maybe you didn't get around to reading the newspaper one day and wondered if you missed the most hilarious Dave Barry column of all time. Well, that's why some smart marketing person invented "best of" collections, and that's why you need Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus. It's got Dave's coverage of the Olympics, featuring an account of his participation with the U. S. synchronized swim team: "Picture a bunch of elegant swans swimming with a flailing sea cow". Also on hand are Dave's unfortunate appearance on Wheel of Fortune, his (non)lunch with Hillary Rodham Clinton, what happened when he shot a Gymnast Barbie doll out of a potato gun, the last word on turkey rectums, and much, much more from a guy who knows where he's coming from. Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and the best-selling author of Dave Barry in Cyberspace (Crown, 1996), Dave Barry's Guide to Guys, Dave Barry Turns 40 (Crown, 1990), and other books. He lives in Miami, Florida. First, a few words about the title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible. Another restriction was that the publisher wanted a title with my name in it. Over the years, most of my book titles have had my name in them (Dave Barry Turns 40, Dave Barry Turns 41, Dave Barry Develops a Nasal Polyp, etc. ) I realize this sounds egotistical, but it's not my idea. I'd be a lot happier if the book titles had a name with more appeal to the mass public, like Stephen King, or The Beatles. If it weren't for the potential legal hassles, this book would be called something like Develop Washboard Abs in One Hour with John Grisham and Madonna (As Seen on Oprah). Anyway, the first title actually considered for this book was Another Damn Dave Barry Book. I liked that one, because it was punchy, yet at the same time it said absolutely nothing. But then Crown changed its mind and decided against this title, presumably on the grounds that the word damn would offend some people, who would therefore not buy the book. Of course you could argue that this was a good reason to use the title, because people who'd be offended by the word damn would probably suffer cerebral hemorrhages if they read the book's actual contents.
Since Dave Barry writes about weird things, you might be tempted to think he has a weird brain. He does, of course, but that's not the whole explanation: A lot of the things he writes about -- exploding Pop-Tarts, for example -- are real. In fact, Dave's main job as a humor columnist -- aside from playing Stealth Fighter on his computer to avoid writing humor columns -- is to point out what is already funny in a world that is seriously bonkers.In Dave's world, amazing but true adventures occur every day, as the Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist investigates a ground-breaking anti-flatulence product recommended to him by a justice of the U.S. Supreme Court; the ecologically dangerous shellfish attacking women's undergarments; and the epidemic of snakes and woodland creatures currently appearing in people's toilets. Dave's bad song contest required him to read thousands of entries from people like you; now, people like you could have the pleasure of being badgered all the bad songs that badger Dave.Dave also participates in real-life form of investigative journalism that actually require him to leave the house: marching with the Lawn Rangers precision lawnmower drill team of Arcola, Illinois; playing lead guitar in an extremely mediocre rock band with Stephen King and other literary lights; and taking his little boat Buster from its happy berth in the Barry garage onto Miami's high seas, only to run it aground. He's even appeared in an episode of "Dave's World," the CBS television show based on his real life -- only taller -- in which he bids for an air conditioner.Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up includes longer feature pieces by Dave in which many of the featured facts happen to be accurate. Now you can read Dave Barry on UFO thrillseekers and the Elvis lovers who hang out at Graceland -- all articles that show Dave at his best and smartest. Complete with illustrations by Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Jeff MacNelly, Dave Barry is Not Making This Up brings you straight into the truly twisted center of Dave's world.On Buying His Son Sneakers: The salesperson's tone of voice carried the clear implication that he was going to call the Child Abuse Hotline if I didn't care enough, as a parent, to take out a second mortgage so I could purchase sufficient sneakerage for my son.... We need Congress to pass a law requiring the sneaker industry to return to the system we had when I was growing up, under which there was only one kind of sneakers, namely U.S. Keds, which were made from Army surplus tents and which cost about $10, or roughly $1 per pound.On Being Left-Handed: According to the researchers, left-handers die sooner than right-handers because they have more accidents. I know why this is: We read books backward...This saves us a lot of time with murder mysteries, but it's a bad habit when we're reading, say, the instructions for operating a barbecue grill, and we begin with "Step 147: Ignite Gas."On The Uses Of Exploding Pop-Tarts: When we detected incoming missiles, we'd simply hold the toaster levers down via some method (possibly involving Tom and Roseanne Arnold) and within a few minutes Whoom the country would be surrounded by a protective wall of flames, and the missiles would either burn up or get knocked off course and detonate harmlessly in some place like New Jersey.On Readers' Reaction To The Bad Song Contest: Sometimes the voters were so angry that they weren't even sure of the name of the song they hated. There were votes against "These Boots Are Made for Stomping"; the Beach Boys' classic "Carolina Girls"; "I'm Nothing But a Hound Dog"; and "Ain't No Woman Like the One-Eyed Gott."From the Hardcover edition.
Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist Dave Barry is a pretty amiable guy. But lately, he's been getting a little worked up. What could make a mild-mannered man of words so hot under the collar? Well, a lot of things-like bad public art, Internet millionaires, SUVs, Regis Philbin . . . and even bigger problems, like* The slower-than-deceased-livestock left-lane drivers who apparently believe that the right lane is sacred and must never come in direct contact with tires* The parent-misery quotient of last-minute school science fair projects* Day trading and other careers that never require you to take off your bathrobe* The plague of the low-flow toilets, which is so bad that even in Miami, where you can buy drugs just by opening your front door and yelling "Hey! I want some crack," you can't even sell your first born to get a normal-flushing toiletDave Barry is not taking any of this sitting down. He's going to stand up for the rights of all Americans against ridiculously named specialty "-chino" coffees and the IRS. Just as soon as he gets the darn toilet flushed.From the Trade Paperback edition.
A Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and columnist whose growing popularity is making him the next Buchwald has his way with the "history" of the mother country, including its founding fathers. An offbeat look at the U. S. for fans of Patrick McManus and Lewis Grizzard. Copyright © Libri GmbH. All rights reserved.
Yet another collection of Barry wit and wisdom by the Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and the author of Dave Barry Turns 40.
"Just the ticket for the '90s."SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLEIf you're too young for a nursing home yet too old to be a rock star, if your marriage is as exciting as scraping grass off the lawnmower blades, then this hilarious book by Pulitzer-Prize-winning columnist and author is for you. Put on your protective eyewear and take a probing look inside your increasingly Spam-like body at: The Midlife (Yawn) Marriage; Wise Financial Planning for Irresponsible Scum Such as Yourself; Sex After 40 (or, Sex? After 40?), and other harsh, but amusing realities that leave you laughing, crying and drooling.From the Trade Paperback edition.
Based on the results from Dave Barry's monumental survey, Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs is a compilation of some of the worst songs ever written, including such special categories as Teen Death Songs, Songs That People Always Get Wrong.
"Dave Barry is one funny human."--San Francisco ExaminerFor thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is: virtually nothing. Deep down inside, guys are extremely shallow.But that has not stopped Dave Barry from writing an entire book about them. If you're a guy--or if you're attempting to share a remote control with one--you need this book, because it deals frankly and semi-thoroughly with such important guy issues as: Scratching The role of guys in world history, including the heretofore-unknown relationship between the discovery of North America and golf Why the average guy can remember who won the 1960 World Series, but not necessarily the names of all his children The Noogie Gene Why guys cannot simultaneously think and look at breasts Secret guy orgasm-delaying techniques, including the Margaret Thatcher Method Why guys prefer to believe that there is no such thing as a prostate And much, much more"Whether you're a guy--or attempting to share a bathroom with one--Barry has some wacky words of wisdom for you."--USA TodayFrom the Trade Paperback edition.
WHEN DAVE BARRY IS ON THE LOOSE, NO ONE IS SAFE!What Dave Barry did for the men's movement in his Complete Guide to Guys and for foreign relations when he did Japan he now does for . . . everything in America. The rapacious observer of Tupperware ladies and leisure concept salesmen sounds off on:Football--Football is more than just a game. It is a potential opportunity to see a live person lying on the ground with a bone sticking out of his leg, while the fans, to show their appreciation, perform "the wave."Sailing--There's nothing quite like getting out on the open sea, where you can forget about the hassles and worries of life on land, and concentrate on the hassles and worries of life on the sea, such as death by squid.Gambling--Off-Track Betting parlors are the kinds of places where you never see signs that say, "Thank You for Not Smoking." The best you can hope for is, "Thank You for Not Spitting Pieces of Your Cigar on My Neck.""The good news: he's funny as ever. The bad news: the book is only 304 pages."--Los Angeles Daily NewsFrom the Paperback edition.
Containing four of Dave Barry's works: Dave Barry's Guide To Marriage and/or Sex, Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead, Claw Your Way To The Top. Humorous and light hearted. People are able to identify with it as the majority of the book is Barry saying what everyone else is thinking - however others are too polite to say anything whereas he just says it! .
Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn't stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as: * How the U. S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler * Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money * Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are--let's be honest--a no-talent loser * How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider * An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel) * Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy--or, for that matter, sell--real estate * How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating * Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one * How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any * Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death * And many, many pictures of Suze Orman But that's only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don't have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics ("Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot"). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can't afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies. What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you. Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you'll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return. What is your annual income? 1. More than $50,000. 2. Less than $50,000. 3. However much I get when I return these empties. Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe? 1. Less than $10,000. 2. More than $10,000. 3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs. How would you describe your portfolio? 1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities. 2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks. 3. My what? When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor? 1. The amount of return. 2. The degree of risk. 3. The name of the jockey. How do you plan to finance your retirement? 1. Savings. 2. Social security. 3. Sale of kidneys. --from the Introduction: "Why You Need This Book".
TAKE YOUR TRAVEL TIPS FROM DAVE BARRY, A GUY WHO IS REALLY GONE! Complete with maps, histories, quaint local facts (France's National Underwear Changing Day is March 12), song lyrics, helpful hints on how to get through Customs (all insects must be spayed), and tidbits from Dave Barry's own fond vacation nightmares, DAVE BARRY'S ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER NEED is just that. You'll find everything you need to know in this incredibly comprehensive reference, including: - Air Travel (Or: Why Birds Never Look Truly Relaxed) - Traveling as a Family (Or: No, We Are NOT There Yet) - Traveling in Europe ("Excuse me! Where is the Big Mona Lisa?") - Camping: Nature's Way of Promoting the Motel Industry
"Mr. Barry is the funniest man in America and we should encourage him."--The New York Times Book ReviewTHERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME--EXCEPT IN A SELLER'S MARKETAt long last, Dave Barry, the dean of everything, lets you in on the deepest, darkest mysteries of life and answers your hysterical home purchase questions like they've never been answered before: What's the best way to determine a realistic price range?Take your total family income, including coins that have fallen behind the bureau, and any projected future revenue you have been notified about via personalized letters from Mr. Ed McMahon stating that you may already have won 14 million dollars. Then, multiply by something other than six. Can you recommend a good mortgage?There are several kinds: Fixed Rate, Variable Rate, and the bank's secret weapons, the Party Hat Mortgage and the Mortgage of the Living Dead. How can I avoid spending money on do-it-yourself homeowner's projects?Find a contractor. Their silent motto is "We Never Show Up." The Romans lived among the ruins. You must too. Is there a secret to having a beautiful lawn?Yes and no. If you fail to feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die. However, if you feed, fertilize, and water your lawn, it will die.From the Paperback edition.
This book is a dark comic masterpiece--the first solo adult novel in more than a decade from the Pulitzer Prize winner and "New York Times"-bestselling author. By the end, amid gunfire, high-speed chases, and mayhem of the most unimaginable sort, violent men will fall, heroes will rise, and many lives will change.
Philip Horkman is the owner of a pet store and a referee for a local kids' soccer league on Sundays. Jeffrey Peckerman is the proud and loving father of a star athlete in the girls' ten-and-under soccer league, and he's not exactly happy with the ref. The two of them are about to collide in a swiftly escalating series of events that will send them running for their lives, pursued by the police, soldiers, subversives, bears, revolutionaries, pirates, and a black ops team that does not exist.
In this action-packed finale to the Star catchers series, Peter and Molly find themselves in the dangerous land of Rundoon, ruled by an evil king who enjoys watching his pet snake consume those who displease him.
In this riveting and adventure-packed follow-up to "Peter and the Starcatchers", we discover Peter leaving the relative safety of Mollusk Island -- along with his trusted companion Tinker Bell -- for the cold, damp streets of London. On a difficult journey across the sea, he and Tink discover the dark and deadly, slithering part-man/part-creature Lord Ombra. It seems that the dreaded Ombra has a variety of mysterious powers including the ability to make shadows disappear. When Peter reaches London, he sets out to find the indomitable Molly. Together they must combat Ombra's terrible forces to both protect the Starcatchers and the treasured star stuff and most importantly to rescue Molly's mother from the clutches of evil.
Young orphan Peter and his mates are dispatched to an island ruled by the evil King Zarboff. They set sail aboard the Never Land, a ship carrying a precious and mysterious trunk in its cargo hold, and the journey quickly becomes fraught with excitement and danger. Discover richly developed characters in the sweet but sophisticated Molly, the scary but familiar Black Stache, and the fearless Peter. Treacherous battles with pirates, foreboding thunderstorms at sea, and evocative writing immerses the reader in a story that slowly and finally reveals the secrets and mysteries of the beloved Peter Pan .
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