*Too lazy to drive to his girlfriend's house, a man ties helium balloons to a lawn chair--and ends up at 15,000 feet, closing the L. A. airport.*A Chinese contraception program causes the birth rate to rise when men are discovered taking birth control pills and unrolling condoms over their fingers--exactly as shown in the training film.*A gang of Norwegian thieves carefully uses explosives to open a safe--only to find the safe is filled with dynamite. . .In the national bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said--over 200,000 copies in print--Ross and Kathryn Petras immortalized idiotic utterances by public figures and average citizens alike. But what about the doers out there, the people who didn't stop at speaking, but went right out and did something stupid instead?It's time to give credit where credit is due.The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done is a hilarious collection of inane incidents, senseless stunts, farcical feats, and utterly asinine activities from throughout history, and around the globe. From Sam Goldwyn to Walter Mondale, Albert Einstein to Fabio, the board of General Motors to British Parliament, this comic compendium chronicles the stupidest acts, ideas, decisions, inventions, songs, and ad campaigns that the mind of modern man has been able to devise. The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done is a non-stop barrage of belly laughs, conclusive proof that actions speak louder--and funnier--than words.From the Trade Paperback edition.
A hilarious collection of malicious, crude and catty quotes taken straight from the mouths of well-known entertainers, authors, politicians and other public figures. Ross and Kathryn Petras are writers and media junkies. When not collecting other people's stupidities and nasty comments, they collect their own.
A connoisseur's compendium of Freudian slips, spoonerisms, double-talk, and utter bosh from famous and infamous figures past and present -- a complete course in anti-eloquence by the foot-in-mouth champions of all time.
THE STRANGEST (AND FUNNIEST) TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER READ. The celebrated authors of the perennial bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said set the typical travel guide squarely on its head--taking you from the airport to the hotel, from sightseeing to dining out--by using 100 percent real examples of fractured English as spoken and posted abroad: * Feel like shopping? We have no good things to sell. --shop sign, Lovina Beach, Bali.
The creme de la crud of screen history "War! War! That's all you think of, Dick Plantagenet! You burner! You pillager!" --Virginia Mayo as Lady Edith to George Sanders in King Richard and the Crusaders (1954) "Visits? That would indicate visitors. " --Army captain learning of alien visits in Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959) "When I'm sitting here with you, I don't even think about the slime people. " --Hero to heroine in The Slime People (1962) "Suck the coffin mushroom now. " --The Ultimate Vampire (1991) "This is bad. " --Leonardo DiCaprio as the you-know-what hits the you-know-what in Titanic (1997)
A mother, answering her phone, hears her daughter shrieking and screaming. Terrified, she calls the police who arrive at the daughter's house, batter down the door--and find the daughter, nude, in her bedroom having sex with her boyfriend. Apparently her toe hit the automatic dial button for her mother's number on the bedroom phone.A man, swimming in a Florida pool, sees the pool intake pipe and gets a unique idea. Hours later, after police, firemen, and EMT personnel are called, the man is taken to an area hospital--along with ten feet of pipe attached to a very swollen part of his anatomy.A newly married couple in Turin set up a video camera in their bedroom to tape all of their honeymoon activities. But somehow certain crucial wires got crossed. While they were enjoying their honeymoon sex, so was everyone else in their apartment building: the couple had accidentally connected their camera to the building's cable television system.In the national bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said Ross and Kathryn Petras immortalized idiotic utterances by public figures and average citizens alike. The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done chronicled fiascoes, senseless stunts, and utterly asinine activities from around the globe. Now, Stupid Sex takes on the subject that no one can resist. It's about people who get caught in the act . . . and about people who get caught in the trash disposal. Stupid Sex tells two hundred true stories of extremely dumb (and very funny) sex acts arranged under headings ranging from Airplane Sex to Zoo Bathroom Sex.From the Trade Paperback edition.
A hilarious collection of lists, statistics, news items, quotations, and facts detailing stupid acts of Americans from all walks of life--by the authors of the bestselling The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said. Everyone knows that America is "the land of the free and the home of the brave," but sometimes that means we're free to be as bravely stupid as we want!
The Greeks honored Zeus, the Romans revered Juno, but modern civilization worships a different sort of god: Celebrity. Face it, we follow the stars' every move, fashion choice, and deliciously dishy affairs. Now Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras, authors of Unusually Stupid Americans, pull the demanding divas, screwball stars, and celebu-twits off their pedestals-and prove it doesn't take a degree in rocket science to become famous. Cases in point: * Courtney Love misses an important court date relating to "possession of a controlled substance" because she can't find a professional bodyguard at the last minute. * Mariah Carey's entourage includes a skirt-from-touching-floor specialist, a towel hand-off person, and a professional drink holder/lifter. * Savvy traveler Paris Hilton concludes that all of Europe is, "like, French. " * Mensa candidate and rocker Tommy Lee is pretty sure that Winston Churchill was president during the Civil War, that the numeric equivalent of pi is "the two-equals-MC-squared thing," and that an isosceles triangle is "somewhere in Bermuda." Feuds, faith, family, money, sex, tantrums, travel-no star-studded stone is left unturned. Filled with jaw-dropping anecdotes, quirky quotes, and special stupid-celebrity awards, Unusually Stupid Celebrities provides a red-faced glimpse of the red carpet.
Kathryn Petras and Ross Petras, bestselling authors of the scathingly funny Unusually Stupid Americans and Unusually Stupid Celebrities, now set their bipartisan sights on the hallowed halls of the United States government. Unusually Stupid Politicians exposes the mind-boggling but true political mishaps, missteps, and miscues that have even the savviest spin doctors shaking their heads and saying "No comment." Sections include * Extreme Hairsplitting--such as when Florida governor Jeb Bush, after being accused of hiding in a closet from rampaging Democrats, denied the allegation completely, stating that "it was actually a boiler room" * Brilliant and Innovative Ideas from The Pentagon-- like their groundbreaking "Gay Bomb," their "Bad Breath Inducing" halitosis weapon and their plans to enlist The Three Stooges in the fight against terror. * Creative Political Excuses--such as "I just discovered I'm Jewish and it's a Holy Day,"--used by Senator George Allen, who, after learning of his Jewish heritage, got out of a Senate hearing to "observe" Yom Kippur * The Most Egregiously Large Political Egos--measured in standard Chuck Schumer Ego Units (CSEUs). This hilarious and eye-opening exposé gives awards for "How I Blew My Campaign" and "Worst Campaign Ad," and shares a list of candidates "endorsed by God," as well as a list of those who lost because of Satan. So turn off C-SPAN and quit text-messaging congressional pages--you're about to learn what the definition of "is" is.
Writing very bad poetry requires talent. It helps to have a wooden ear for words, a penchant for sinking into a mire of sentimentality, and an enviable confidence that allows one to write despite absolutely appalling incompetence. The 131 poems collected in this first-of-its-kind anthology are so glaringly awful that they embody a kind of genius. From Fred Emerson Brooks' "The Stuttering Lover" to Matthew Green's "The Spleen" to Georgia Bailey Parrington's misguided "An Elegy to a Dissected Puppy", they mangle meter, run rampant over rhyme, and bludgeon us into insensibility with their grandiosity, anticlimax, and malapropism. Guaranteed to move even the most stoic reader to tears (of laughter),Very Bad Poetryis sure to become a favorite of the poetically inclined (and disinclined).
Wretched writing is the lowest of the low; it is a felonious assault on the English language. Exuberantly excessive, it is a sin committed often by amateurs and all-too-frequently by gifted writers having an off day. In short, it's very bad writing. Truly bad. Appallingly bad. It's also very funny. A celebration of the worst writing imaginable, Wretched Writing includes inadvertently filthy book titles, ridiculously overwrought passages from novels, bombastic and confusing speeches, moronic oxymorons, hyperactive hyperbole, horribly inappropriate imagery in ostensibly hot sex scenes, mangled clichés, muddled metaphors, and unintended double entendres. Sit back and enjoy these deliciously dreadful samples, and try not to cringe too much. .
You're Saying It Wrong: A Pronunciation Guide to the 150 Most Commonly Mispronounced Words--and Their Tangled Histories of Misuseby Ross Petras Kathryn Petras
For word nerds and grammar geeks, an illustrated guide to the most commonly mispronounced words, along with their correct pronunciations and pithy forays into their fascinating etymologies and histories of use and misuse.With wit and good humor, this handy little book not only saves us from sticky linguistic situations but also provides fascinating cocktail-party-ready anecdotes. Entries reveal how to pronounce boatswain like an old salt on the deck of a ship, trompe l'oeil like a bona fide art expert, and haricot vert like a foodie, while arming us with the knowledge of why certain words are correctly pronounced the "slangy" way (they came about before dictionaries), what stalks of grain have to do with pronunciation, and more. With bonus sidebars like "How to Sound like a Seasoned Traveler" and "How to Sound Cultured," readers will be able to speak about foreign foods and places, fashion, philosophy, and literature with authority.From the Hardcover edition.
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