I've learned over the last year that books are a lot harder to write than Twitter posts.--@davidspade (free plug)Welcome to my book, guys. Here are 200 pages of my blood, sweat, and jizz. It took a long time to write, and I hope you think it was worth it. These are the stories I tell to my friends or at dinner when I'm drunk and everyone darts their eyes around and squirms in their chair hoping I'll finish soon. Others I've told on Stern or Ellen or anyone else I can name-drop.It's me telling you about my fake problems in life and a few real ones (my neck is actually really a disaster). It is a book about comedy, and how I came up from the dusty roads of Arizona with my OP shorts and my blond fluffy hair, to the mean streets of Beverly Hills, with nothing but a few props in my mom's old honeymoon suitcase and a few dry jokes. I blather on about how I got into stand-up, how I lost my virginity, and meeting Johnny Carson, to my years on Saturday Night Live (I couldn't write decent sketches for shit for a long time), to making Tommy Boy with Farlz, to the time I got the shit kicked out of me by my assistant while I was wearing a Coneheads T-shirt . . . this is my memoir.So, anyway, take a minute . . . to buy this, you don't even have to read it, just gave away all the good parts, anyway. Who reads books, right? Fuck this, let's go do molly at Coachella!