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I Am Ozzy

by Chris Ayres Ozzy Osbourne

"They've said some crazy things about me over the years. I mean, okay: 'He bit the head off a bat. ' Yes. 'He bit the head off a dove. ' Yes. But then you hear things like, 'Ozzy went to the show last night, but he wouldn't perform until he'd killed fifteen puppies ...' Now me, kill fifteen puppies? I love puppies. I've got eighteen of the f**king things at home. I've killed a few cows in my time, mind you. And the chickens. I shot the chickens in my house that night. It haunts me, all this crazy stuff. Every day of my life has been an event. I took lethal combinations of booze and drugs for thirty f**king years. I survived a direct hit by a plane, suicidal overdoses, STDs. I've been accused of attempted murder. Then I almost died while riding over a bump on a quad bike at f**king two miles per hour. People ask me how come I'm still alive, and I don't know what to say. When I was growing up, if you'd have put me up against a wall with the other kids from my street and asked me which one of us was gonna make it to the age of sixty, which one of us would end up with five kids and four grandkids and houses in Buckinghamshire and Beverly Hills, I wouldn't have put money on me, no f**king way. But here I am: ready to tell my story, in my own words, for the first time. A lot of it ain't gonna be pretty. I've done some bad things in my time. I've always been drawn to the dark side, me. But I ain't the devil. I'm just John Osbourne: a working-class kid from Aston, who quit his job in the factory and went looking for a good time."

Trust Me, I'm Dr. Ozzy: Advice from Rock's Ultimate Survivor

by Ozzy Osbourne Chris Ayres

Wondering if science could explain how he survived his 40-year avalanche of drugs and alcohol, Ozzy Osbourne became one of a handful of people in the world to have his entire DNA mapped in 2010. It was a highly complex, $65,000 process, but the results were conclusive: Ozzy is a genetic anomaly. The "Full Ozzy Genome" contained variants that scientists had never before encountered and the findings were presented at the prestigious TEDMED Conference in San Diego-making headlines around the world. The procedure was in part sponsored by The Sunday Times of London, which had already caused an international fururoe by appointing Ozzy Osbourne its star health advice columnist. The newpaper argued that Ozzy's mutliple near-death experiences, 40-year history of drug abuse, and extreme hypocondria qualified him more than any other for the job. The column was an overnight hit, being quickly picked up by Rolling Stone to give it a global audience of millions. In TRUST ME, I'M DR. OZZY, Ozzy answers reader's questions with his outrageous wit and surprising wisdom, digging deep into his past to tell the memoir-style survival stories never published before-and offer guidance that no sane human being should follow. Part humor, part memoir, and part bad advice, TRUST ME, I'M DR. OZZY will include some of the best material from his published columns, answers to celebrities' medical questions, charts, sidebars, and more.

War Reporting for Cowards

by Chris Ayres

From the book: "Captain," I called out. -How dangerous is this going to be?" "Don't worry," he said with a straight face. "People think artillery is boring. But we kill more people than anyone else." Chris Ayres never wanted to be a war correspondent. A small-town boy, a hypochondriac, and a neat freak with an anxiety disorder, he saw journalism as a ticket to lounging by swimming pools in Beverly Hills and sipping martinis at Hollywood celebrity parties. Instead, he keeps finding himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, whether it's a few blocks from the World Trade Center on September 11 or one cubicle over from an anthrax attack at The New York Post. Then, a misunderstanding with his boss sees him transferred from Hollywood to the Middle East, where he is embedded with the Marine Corps on the front line of the Iraq War, headed straight to Baghdad with a super-absorbent camping towel, an electric toothbrush, and only one change of underwear. What follows is the worst (not to mention the first) camping trip of his life. War Reporting for Cowards is the Iraq War through the eyes of a "war virgin." After a crash course on "surviving dangerous countries" where he nearly passes out when learning how to apply a tourniquet, and a gas mask training exercise where he is repeatedly told he is "one very dead media representative," Ayres joins the Long Distance Death Dealers, a battalion of gung-ho Marines who kill more people on the battlefield than anyone else. Donning a bright blue flak jacket and helmet, he quickly makes himself the easiest target in the entire Iraqi desert. Ayres spends the invasion digging "coffin-sized" foxholes, dodging incoming mortars, fumbling for his gas mask, and, at one point, accidentally running into the path of a dozen Republican Guard tanks amid a blinding mud storm. By "bogged down" by the growing insurgency, Ayres realizes not only what the sheer terror of combat feels like, but also the visceral thrill of having won a fight for survival. In the tradition of M*A*S*H and Catch-22, War Reporting for Cowards is by turns extraordinarily honest, heartfelt, and bitterly hilarious. It is destined to become a classic of war reportage.

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