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CRIMES AND MISDUMBMEANERS contains 100 stories of idiots such as * The thief who stole some loot from a car and then slammed the locked door- on his thumb. It stayed locked until the police arrived and arrested him. * An Indianapolis man urho robbed a gun from his neighbor's house. The gun didn't work and so he broke in again to return it. A robber who was told by a teller that she didn't have as much money as he wanted and it would take a few minutes to get it together. The man waited patiently while the teller got the money - and the police. * The homeowner who called 911 when he captured a thief on his property. The stolen goods were "my best marijuana plants." Police arrested the thief and the homeowner
I always ask a suspect, "Do you have any drugs tonight?" The suspect always says, "No, officer" with an incredible innocence and look of disbelief. Then I pat him down and I find a bag of crack, a Saturday Night Special, and a switchblade knife. He tells me he's never seen these things before. When I explain that they just came out of the pants he is wearing, without hesitating, the suspect always says, "But these aren't my pants!" One 300-pound dumb criminal got in even more trouble. Pointing to his 90-pound girlfriend, he explained, "They are hers. She used to be much larger." The police had to intervene to save the man from his petite but outraged friend. These Aren't My Pants! is a collection of 320 of the dumbest stories from the four best-selling America's Dumbest Criminals books and the popular television show along with 40 all-new stories. Every 6.8 seconds another dumb crime is committed. Here is the ultimate collection of the most incredibly stupid and painfully dumb attempts at crime including... * The accused vending-machine thief who paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters * The bank robber who had to go back to the bank for the car keys he had left on the counter * The woman who invalidated her winning $5,000 lottery ticket by altering it to match the $20 prize number * The two suspects on trial who raised their hands when the prosecutor asked the victim if those guilty were in the courtroom
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