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In this hilarious collection of poems, comedian Jeff Foxworthy creates a neighborhood filled with fun, family, friends, and more. Here you'll meet Cousin Lizzy, Uncle Ed and Aunt Foo Foo, cows with horns that don't go beep, dads in sweaters, also sheep. From the thrill of flying to the imaginary planet Woosocket to bonding with a friend over a shared hatred of spinach, these poems capture the very essence of being a kid. Filled with sly humor and always affectionate, DIRT ON MY SHIRT is sure to delight kids, big and little, everywhere. HarperCollins Publishers Preschool-2
A humorous book by comedian Jeff Foxworthy about what Rednecks consider to be a sport.
As a longtime golfer, Jeff Foxworthy has learned something important about the grand auld game: It's not who has the highest score, it's who has the least fun playing it. And now, in his hilarious primer How to Really Stink at Golf, Foxworthy shares his invaluable tips for a lifetime of horrible drives and putts. * Get into the right frame of mind to play truly awful golf. Food poisoning or a killer hangover might be just the ticket to a robust three-digit score. * Try to get to the course promptly at tee time to avoid the hassle of warming up: "You're only gonna hit five good shots in the course of the day; why waste even one on the driving range?" * The surefire way to screw up a great drive? As you walk to the tee, keep telling yourself, "Don't screw up your drive. " If bad golf's your goal, stress is your best friend. * Avoid fun. "Fun = relaxed = low scores . . . and that's something we want to avoid at all cost. If you have a good hole, shake it off. " * Perhaps the most important element: Embrace the fact that you do stink at golf. Cheating. Cursing. Avoiding fairways. Reckless cart driving. How to Really Stink at Golf covers it all, from selecting the correct putter to use on a 385-yard drive to prolonging your stay in the sand trap to picking the perfect foursome for spectacularly bad golf ("you, your ex-wife, your girlfriend, your wife"). With Jeff Foxworthy as your guide, even a scratch golfer can add ten, twenty, maybe thirty strokes to his or her score-and possibly more if you attempt to play the back nine, too. From the Hardcover edition.
"New York Times"-bestselling humorist Foxworthy offers a hilarious, illustrated guide to having the most fun possible at work while doing the least--without getting fired. Illustrations throughout.
There's no such thing as too much redneck. And it's easy to understand why. A veritable gumbo of indigenous ingenuity, this deliciously distinct dialect rolls off the tongue like drool in the presence of a barbecue sandwich. Now, just in time for no time in particular, Jeff Foxworthy's three bestsellers are rolled into one hilarious redneck reference. This practical, portable A-to-Z crash course will have you laughing and learning your way to flawless southern slang. Say after me:bay * ou (bi´-ü), v. and n. to purchase for another. "I just walked right up to her and said, 'Hey darlin', lemme bayou a drink.' "doo * dle (düd´-el), n. and v. a male person and his predicted actions. "Don't even look at him, 'cuz that doodle kill you."tor * toise (tort´-es), v. and n. to have imparted knowledge or wisdom to a group. "That stupid teacher never tortoise nothin'. "Whether you're a newbie looking to connect with your inner redneck or a seasoned pro hoping to sharpen your skills, The Complete Redneck Dictionary is the only reference you'll ever need. Picking up Redneck (and this book) has never been easier.From the Hardcover edition.
Hey, you! The one holding the book. Have you ever seen a volume like this? Well, whether you realize it or not, it's the one you've been waiting for. Jeff Foxworthy's Redneck Dictionary will teach you how to speak this unique Southern dialect fluently. Whether you're blue-collar or hoity-toity, swimming in cash or betting your bottom dollar, a little bit country or a lot of city slicker, this practical reference to redneck words and turns of phrases will give you hours of laughs.So expand your horizons and learn another language with this fun, instructive, and hilariously illustrated book as your guide. After all, speaking redneck is a heck of a lot easier than speaking French!From the Hardcover edition.
They say your school years are your best years. That's a lie. There are plenty of good days ahead of you, unless you took so long to graduate that people thought you were in the seventeenth grade. Now it's time to take what you've learned in classes such as math, biology and introductory drywall hanging and make a success of your life. Okay, maybe you can at least stay off of COPS or Judge Judy. You might be a redneck if ... Your resume includes your high scores on video games. You think the ability to hold a job is overrated. You've asked a hairstylist for a "business at the front, party at the back" cut. You list "beginner's luck" as a skill on a job application. Your savings account is in the ashtray of your truck.
Foxworthy relates his many hijinks, like the King Slob competition, and gives us the real stories behind his favorite Redneck jokes.
It is true, as you may have heard, that a comedian's jokes are like his children. You conceive them (not nearly as much fun as with real kids), nurture them, and eventually let them go. Like real children, some are cute, some are bad, and once in a while one exceeds every expectation you ever had for it. That was the case with my "Redneck" jokes. Appropriately conceived in a cheap motel in Huntsville, Alabama, they quickly grew into more than a comedy bit or even a best-selling book. They became a part of my life. People stop me in airports or on streets and say, "Hey, you're the Redneck guy! And I'm one of 'em!" Excerpts from the first book, YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF..., have been copied, modified, and faxed from workplace to workplace. The material has been "borrowed" by newspapers, wire services, and radio stations nationwide. I feared we had beaten the subject to death, but not a day goes by that someone doesn't offer me a new example of "redneckism." I have received photos of front-yard flower pots made out of old toilets, and newspaper clippings of grooms wearing Harley-Davidson tee-shirts. With the help of my wife and friends, I add several to the list almost daily. I have collected numerous Redneck lines from radio audiences and even from my live show audiences. I must admit that I am very proud of my "Redneck child." I am even happier that others love it as I do. So for all those people, here is a second helping. Though conventional wisdom says you can't believe everything you read, in this case I assure you that you can. Red ain't dead. - Jeff Foxworthy
Jeff Foxworthy clearly knows how to talk gooder redneck, especially after two runaway bestsellers on the subject. But for those folks who still need to get in touch with their inner redneck, here's the third handy reference with even more indigenous idiomatic ingenuity. With Jeff as your guide, you'll get all the finer points of speaking proper redneck. Here's your chance to pep up your parlance by learning how to use words and phrases like an* ar* chist (an-ar-kist´), conj. , n. , and v. additional...
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF You strip naked to the waist to eat barbecue. JEFF FOXWORTHY readily admits that one of the greatest accomplishments in his life is that he has eaten barbecue in all 50 states. The Redneck Grill is a book for people who read that statement and say, "Man, how cool is that! In other words, The Redneck Grill is for people who have their priorities in order. Combining Jeff's slightly warped view of life with more than 40 mouthwatering grilling recipes for things you raise, things you hunt or catch, and things without a face (veggies and desserts), The Redneck Grill will become your favorite cookbook. You'll also love it for another reason-you can wipe the pages off if you get them sticky with barbecue sauce, beer, or whatever. In other words, this cookbook has got its priorities in order, too. Contains recipes for Patio Pot Roast Red Barbecued Fish Beer Can Chicken Creole Grilled Oysters Grilled Rabbit Sizzling Red Onions Wild Turkey Fingers Maple-Grilled Pound Cake
Anything goes on Silly Street. There's a flying squirrel circus, pink elephant races, and even a pony that eats fried baloney. At the candy booth you can buy gummy yum noodles and rainbow jaw busters. At the hat store you can purchase a helmet, a tiara, or a halo-if you happen to be an angel. From the comedic mind of Jeff Foxworthy, author of the bestselling dirt on my shirt, comes another hilarious collection of poems. Kids will have so much fun reading these poems, they'll wish they actually lived on Silly Street.
How did this happen? Where did the years go? The irony of it all hit me not long ago, as my wife and I and several friends were looking through old photo albums. We came across some photos of yours truly decked out in my hottest disco threads (skin-tight, shiny copper pants and a cream colored silk shirt ... John Travolta, eat your heart out). Well, the rest of the group was laughing so hard the dryness of their underwear was in serious jeopardy. I just sat there thinking, "#*@!, that was probably the coolest I'll ever be in my life! Cool, not funny."
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