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How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (Or Just in Your Class)
by Jay LenoIf you want to be funny, this book is for you! This big book of humor and wisecracks contains hundreds of original jokes and bits of advice from Jay Leno, host of The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Chock-full of knock-knock jokes, hilarious puns ("Is it true that if it takes a corner too fast, a Mercedes-Benz?"), and Jay's tips for making a career in comedy (he got his start at a MacDonald's employee talent show), this totally new joke book for the twenty-first century is an essential starting point for anybody looking to find their funny bone.
How to Be the Perfect Grandpa
by Bryna PastonThe Ultimate Rules for Grandpa Success Being a grandfather is a very important role. There are children to bribe, forts to build, tea parties to attend, and tutus to be worn if you want to achieve your full grandfatherly potential. This book is here to prepare you for those touching moments when your grandchildren ask you for advice, don't ask you for advice, or can't remember your name. Here you'll learn when to inspire, enlighten, or perhaps just zip up that lip. Heed the advice of grandfathers who have come before you. No matter what your approach is, you are sure to enjoy being a grandfather (if you promise to listen to Grandma).
How to Beat Up Anybody: An Instructional and Inspirational Karate Book by the World Champion
by Judah Friedlander“World Champion” Judah Friedlandertells you How to Beat Up Anybody in this insanely hilarious satirical martial arts guide. Better known as an award-winning stand-up comic, actor, and star of 30 Rock, Friedlander shares his adventures in butt-kicking with lucky readers in a self-defense handbook in the gut-busting vein of The Truth About Chuck Norris.
How to Beat the System
by Denison Andrews"Contrary to popular belief, you can beat the system." So says Lionel Goldfish, once hailed as "the Simenon of Success; the Asimov of Achievement," the octogenarian narrator of this extraordinarily funny novel by Denison Andrews. Disturbed by current trends in American society, Lionel Goldfish has come out of retirement to write his fiftieth and final success book. He has chosen the old formula of the success biography, the story of a shoeshine boy who made good. But all resemblance to Horatio Alger quickly disappears when we discover that the shoeshine boy, Rene Benet, is thirty-seven years old and one of the least honorable characters in recent fiction. Surprisingly, his story, told over many shines, causes Goldfish to repent his lifetime's labor. The story of Rene Benet, the man who beat the system, opens with one dazzling day in 1969 when our hero, driven by chronic lechery and a pathological aversion to work, loses career, marriage, and all pretense of respectability and goes off with a voluptuous hitchiker to a rock concert in Woodstock, New York. So begins a series of outrageous adventures where the monstrous world he comes to inhabit is filled with so many seedy, scheming characters that even he becomes a Pinocchio-like innocent in contrast. Our hero finally finds himself inside The System itself where he comes face to face, and duels with, its Boss. His spectacular escape gives the aged narrator, Lionel Goldfish, and all his readers the answer: how to beat the system. Denison Andrews takes on marriage, divorce, academia, the counter-culture, the rich, the poor, the middle class, Harvard, Santa Claus, drugs, the "ethical" drug industry, feminists, and anti-feminists with ripping humor. Above all, HOW TO BEAT THE SYSTEM lambastes our basic values of hard work and success. From the Silent Generation of Rene Benet to the adolescent cultural revolution of the late sixties, the author has a great deal to say about values, about ideals gained and ideals lost, and about what has happened to the "greening of America."
How to Become a Federal Criminal: An Illustrated Handbook for the Aspiring Offender
by Mike Chase“Somebody with credentials has combed through a mountain of boring literature, highlighted all the ticklish parts and served them up for appreciation. This is an excellent book for people who like to start sentences with ‘Did you know that…’” —The New York Times A hilarious, entertaining, and illuminating compendium of the most bizarre ways you might become a federal criminal in America—from mailing a mongoose to selling Swiss cheese without enough holes—written and illustrated by the creator of the wildly popular @CrimeADay Twitter account. Have you ever clogged a toilet in a national forest? That could get you six months in federal prison. Written a letter to a pirate? You might be looking at three years in the slammer. Leaving the country with too many nickels, drinking a beer on a bicycle in a national park, or importing a pregnant polar bear are all very real crimes, and this riotously funny, ridiculously entertaining, and fully illustrated book shows how just about anyone can become—or may already be—a federal criminal. Whether you’re a criminal defense lawyer or just a self-taught expert in outrageous offenses, How to Become a Federal Criminal is your wonderfully weird window into a criminally overlooked sector of American government.
How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying
by Django WexlerA hilarious fantasy adventure in which a young woman, who is stuck in a time loop, decides the best way to defend the kingdom from the Dark Lord is to become the Dark Lord herself. Davi has done this all before. She's tried to be the hero and take down the all-powerful Dark Lord. A hundred times she's rallied humanity and made the final charge. But the time loop always gets her in the end. Sometimes she's killed quickly. Sometimes it takes a while. But she's been defeated every time.This time? She's done being the hero and done being stuck in this endless time loop. If the Dark Lord always wins, then maybe that's who she needs to be. It's Davi's turn to play on the winning side.'A darkly comic delight of a novel' Anthony Ryan'Twisty, pacey and full of reverent irreverence for fantasy. I can't get enough' Max Gladstone'A brash swords-and-satire romp that draws you into its rollicking adventure even as it pokes fun at the whole genre. Gamers in particular will appreciate the irreverent upending of classic roleplaying tropes' James L. SutterTakes the old saying 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' to the next level. A sarcastic, action-packed, intrigue-filled (mis)adventure. One of the funniest books I've read in a long time' Matt Dinniman'Lord of the Rings crossed with Groundhog Day, narrated by a gender-flipped Deadpool' Mike Brooks
How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying (Dark Lord Davi #1)
by Django WexlerGroundhog Day meets Deadpool in Django Wexler&’s no-holds-barred, laugh-out-loud fantasy tale about a young woman who, tired of defending humanity from the Dark Lord, decides to become the Dark Lord herself."Takes the old saying 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em,' to the next level. A sarcastic, action-packed, intrigue-filled (mis)adventure. One of the funniest books I've read in a long time."--Matt Dinniman, author of Dungeon Crawler Carl Davi has done this all before. She&’s tried to be the hero and take down the all-powerful Dark Lord. A hundred times she&’s rallied humanity and made the final charge. But the time loop always gets her in the end. Sometimes she&’s killed quickly. Sometimes it takes a while. But she&’s been defeated every time. This time? She&’s done being the hero and done being stuck in this endless time loop. If the Dark Lord always wins, then maybe that&’s who she needs to be. It&’s Davi&’s turn to play on the winning side.Burningblade & SilvereyeAshes of the Sun Blood of the Chosen Emperor of Ruin
How to Break a Heart
by Kiera StewartThis time, even ice cream won't help. Nick Wainwright is definitely the love of thirteen-year-old Mabry Collins's life, and when he dumps her in the most mortifying way possible, her heart is shattered. So, maybe they'd never kissed, but they had shared something special. They'd shared LOVE. True love. She's sure of it. And Mabry would know. She's watched countless episodes of her favorite telenovela with her best friend, Sirina, and the characters have taught her everything about romance. But when Sirina's usual methods for comforting Mabry fail, she has an idea: it's time for Mabry to break a heart of her own. And who better than Thad Bell to teach Mabry how to do it? He was the source of her very first heartbreak, and he seems to have his own reasons for wanting to see Nick suffer. Mabry decides to give it a shot, but she's pretty sure Thad's advice will lead to disaster. After all, his sole passion is a burrito with extra hot sauce. Anyone with any sense knows that true love doesn't come in a foil wrapper! But if Thad can help her win back???um, that is, break???Nick's heart, then it might just be worth it.
How to Build a Girl: A Novel
by Caitlin MoranWhat do you do in your teenage years when you realize what your parents taught you wasn't enough? You must go out and find books and poetry and pop songs and bad heroes--and build yourself.It's 1990. Johanna Morrigan, fourteen, has shamed herself so badly on local TV that she decides that there's no point in being Johanna anymore and reinvents herself as Dolly Wilde--fast-talking, hard-drinking gothic hero and full-time Lady Sex Adventurer. She will save her poverty-stricken Bohemian family by becoming a writer--like Jo in Little Women, or the Brontës--but without the dying-young bit.By sixteen, she's smoking cigarettes, getting drunk, and working for a music paper. She's writing pornographic letters to rock stars, having all the kinds of sex with all the kinds of men, and eviscerating bands in reviews of 600 words or less.But what happens when Johanna realizes she's built Dolly with a fatal flaw? Is a box full of records, a wall full of posters, and a head full of paperbacks enough to build a girl after all?Imagine The Bell Jar--written by Rizzo from Grease. How to Build a Girl is a funny, poignant, and heartbreakingly evocative story of self-discovery and invention, as only Caitlin Moran could tell it.
How to Build an Abominable Snowman (Max and Molly's Guide to Trouble #3)
by Dominic BarkerIn this Guide to Trouble, Max and Molly will show you, clever reader:1. How to get snowed in with only EMERGENCY BEANS for tea.2. How to snowplough the street so Mum can buy PIZZA instead.3. How to accidentally-also-at-the-same-time build a real-life ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!
How to Care for Your T-Rex
by Ken BakerFind out how to babysit a dinosaur in How to Care for Your T-Rex, a very funny read-aloud picture book from writer Ken Baker and illustrator Dave Coverly. There are a few important things to know about your pet T-Rex:What does it like to eat? Your T-Rex will eat approximately 300 pounds of food each day. Where will it have space to exercise? Your T-Rex can cover fifteen feet in a single step. How do you brush its many teeth? Especially when those teeth are nine inches long.And, most of all, how do you show your T-Rex that you love it? Get ready for a day full of giant adventures in dinosaur care!Christy Ottaviano Books
How to Catch Graphic Novels: How to Catch the Easter Bunny (How to Catch Graphic Novels)
by Alice WalsteadFrom the creators of the New York Times and USA Today bestselling How to Catch series comes a new exhilarating graphic novel adventure!Pup has boundless energy and endless optimism; Dragon is cool and thoughtful but always up for adventure...together, they are best friends who are always there for one another. In their bounciest adventure, Pup and Dragon are trying to catch the Easter Bunny!Bursting with colorful art and hilarious text, Pup and Dragon: How to Catch the Easter Bunny is sure to appeal to How to Catch lovers and new young readers alike.More Pup and Dragon Adventures:Pup and Dragon: How to Catch an ElfPup and Dragon: How to Catch a DinosaurPup and Dragon: How to Catch a Unicorn
How to Catch Santa (How To Series)
by Lee Wildish Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers How to Babysit a Grandpa and How to Babysit a Grandma comes an equally charming and hilarious holiday offering! After waiting for days and days and days, it's finally Christmas Eve. And that's when you can try to catch Santa. . . . From Jean Reagan and Lee Wildish, creators of the bestselling HOW TO... series, comes a delightful new offering, written again in a hilarious instructional style. Two sibling narrators give clever tips for "catching" Santa (be crafty! be clever! be gentle!) on Christmas Eve. Filled with humor and holiday warmth, this is a jolly read-aloud for the whole family to enjoy!From the Hardcover edition.
How to Catch Santa: Read & Listen Edition (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers How to Babysit a Grandpa and How to Babysit a Grandma comes an equally charming and hilarious holiday offering! After waiting for days and days and days, it&’s finally Christmas Eve. And that&’swhen you can try to catch Santa. . . . From Jean Reagan and Lee Wildish comes a delightful new offering, written again in a hilarious instructional style. Two sibling narrators give clever tips for &“catching&” Santa (be crafty! be clever! be gentle!) on Christmas Eve. Filled with humor and holiday warmth, this is a jolly read-aloud for the whole family to enjoy.This Read & Listen edition contains audio narration.
How to Catch a Criminal (Max and Molly's Guide to Trouble #1)
by Dominic BarkerIn this Guide to Trouble, Max and Molly will show you, clever reader:1. How to kick a ball into Mrs Quibble's garden. AGAIN.2. How to (politely) arrest Mrs Quibble for STEALING THE BALL.3. How to accidentally also-at-the-same-time catch a REAL-LIFE CRIMINAL!Don't miss the other forthcoming titles in the series:HOW TO BE A GENIUSHOW TO BUILD AN ABOMINABLE SNOWMANHOW TO STOP A VIKING INVASIONMax and Molly's Guide to Trouble: How To Catch A Criminal by Dominic Barker and Hannah Shaw has been selected for the Read by Yourself category of Richard and Judy's Children's Book Club 2011.
How to Catch a Polar Bear (Washington Park Stories)
by Stacy DeKeyserIn this &“funny and heartwarming&” (Booklist) historical fiction companion to The Rhino in Right Field, Nick&’s summer gets way more exciting when a polar bear escapes from the local zoo—perfect for fans of Stuart Gibbs and The One and Only Ivan.It&’s 1948, and twelve-year-old Nick is ready for the best summer ever. He&’s going to hang out with his best pal, Ace, and maybe with Penny too—she is a girl, but she has a great throwing arm. Then things get wild when a polar bear escapes from Milwaukee&’s city zoo and appears right on his block. They&’re all going to have to keep their eyes open now. But Nick&’s grand plans start to crumble when Ace gets a paper route and Penny decides to share it with him. Now they&’re never around. Nick himself is working at his Uncle Spiro&’s frozen custard shop, but at least he gets free all-you-can-eat dessert. When Uncle Spiro opens a custard stand at the zoo, Nick volunteers to help—if that polar bear escapes again, he&’ll have a front row seat! But their competitor, Happy Harold, opens a stand of his own right outside the zoo. Now Nick is scrambling to keep their customers, especially because Happy keeps playing dirty tricks. When Penny discovers that someone may have let the polar bear out on purpose, Nick suspects that Happy might be involved. With mysteries to solve and a whole zoo-full of monkey business, it looks like Nick&’s summer won&’t be so boring after all!
How to Catch a Queen: Runaway Royals (Runaway Royals #1)
by Alyssa ColeAn arranged marriage leads to unexpected desire, in the first book of Alyssa Cole’sRunaway Royals series…When Shanti Mohapi weds the king of Njaza, her dream of becoming a queen finally comes true. But it’s nothing like she imagined. Shanti and her husband may share an immediate and powerful attraction, but her subjects see her as an outsider, and everything she was taught about being the perfect wife goes disastrously wrong.A king must rule with an iron fist, and newly crowned King Sanyu was born perfectly fitted for the gauntlet, even if he wishes he weren’t. He agrees to take a wife as is required of him, though he doesn’t expect to actually fall in love. Even more vexing? His beguiling new queen seems to have the answers to his country’s problems—except no one will listen to her.By day, they lead separate lives. By night, she wears the crown, and he bows to her demands in matters of politics and passion. When turmoil erupts in their kingdom and their marriage, Shanti goes on the run, and Sanyu must learn whether he has what it takes both to lead his people and to catch his queen.
How to Change a Life
by Stacey BallisA dare between friends leads to startling revelations and simmering tensions in the latest novel from the author of Wedding Girl.Eloise is happy with her life as a successful private chef. She has her clients, her corgi, and a recipe for the world’s most perfect chocolate cream pie. What more could she need? But when her long-lost trio of high school friends reunites, Eloise realizes how lonely she really is. Eloise, Lynne, and Teresa revamp their senior-class assignment and dare one another to create a list of things to accomplish by the time they each turn forty in a few months. Control freak Lynne has to get a dog, Teresa has to spice up her marriage, and Eloise has to start dating again. Enter Shawn, a hunky ex-athlete and the first man Eloise could see herself falling for. Suddenly forty doesn’t seem so lonely—until a chance encounter threatens the budding romance and reveals the true colors of her friends. Will the bucket listers make it to forty still speaking to one another? Or do some friendships come with an expiration date?Readers Guide and Recipes Included
How to Charm a Nerd: A Romantic Comedy (WiCKed Sisters #2)
by Katherine GarberaShe&’s kind of a witch. He&’s definitely a nerd. And this Halloween they&’re letting their geek flags fly in this playful romantic comedy from USA TODAY bestselling author Katherine Garbera.Dungeons and dragons and nerds, oh my…The spooky season is almost here, and occultist and tarot reader Liberty Wakefield is already feelin&’ it. But ever since her sick nan muttered the name of Liberty&’s mysterious biological father, nothing feels normal. Not her friends, her family, nor the quirky shop she runs with her besties. So maybe it&’s time for Liberty to track down the father she&’s never met. Of course, that means getting a little help from the sexy nerd she&’s been not-so-secretly vibing since last summer…Merle Rutland hasn&’t met anyone like the vivacious, bubbly Liberty. Part of him wishes he was more like her—instead of hiding his geekery from his hyper-athletic family. The other part just wants to pull the curvy redhead close, steal a kiss and hope he doesn&’t roll a critical fail.Only, somewhere between Dungeons & Dragons campaigns, pumpkins and a few ridiculously hot sexy-times, Liberty and Merle discover their respective weirds might be a match. Yet as Halloween draws closer, it seems everyone has skeletons in the closet…and nothing spells disaster quite like being haunted by the past…
How to Chat-up Babes
by Stewart FerrisDesigned to boost your confidence with the opposite sex, this book contains tips and advice to help chat-up women.
How to Chat-up Babes
by Stewart FerrisDesigned to boost your confidence with the opposite sex, this book contains tips and advice to help chat-up women.
How to Cheat a Dragon's Curse (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #4)
by Cressida CowellIn his 4th sidesplitting adventure, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III must rescue his best friend, Fishlegs, from the deadly disease Vorpentitis. The only cure is rare and almost impossible to find...a potato. But where will Hiccup find such a thing? He'll have to dodge the terrible Sharkworms, battle Doomfangs, and outwit crazy Hooligans if he's going to be a Hero...again. A fast paced plot, slapstick humor, witty dialogue and imaginative black and white illustrations enhance this exciting tale.
How to Cheer Up Dad
by Fred KoehlerA hilarious book about parent and child relationships for fans of Ian Falconer and Jon Agee--a perfect gift idea for Father's Day and beyond!Little Jumbo just can't understand why his dad is having such a bad day. It couldn't be the raisins Little Jumbo spit out at the ceiling or the bath he refused to take--after all, Little Jumbo's dad knew he hated raisins and had already taken a bath that week! Luckily, Little Jumbo is such a thoughtful elephant that he decides to turn his dad's bad day around with some of his--ahem, his dad's--favorite things.How to Cheer up Dad is a standout debut featuring a charmingly oblivious little elephant with serious pluck and staying power. It turns the parent-child roles upside down is a great book for dads and the kids who make them laugh.
How to Clean Your Room in 10 Easy Steps
by Jennifer Larue Huget Edward KorenGot a messy room? No problem!This simple, laugh-out-loud picture-book guide to cleaning your room is sure to make picking up a snap. Here is the first rule: Always wait until your mother hollers, "GET UP THERE AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM--NOW!" using all three of your names. Once she does, you'd better get moving. From dumping out drawers and dividing stuff into piles to arranging all eight zillion of your stuffed animals, here's the kind of advice on room tidying that everyone can relate to.With funny, direct text by Jennifer LaRue Huget and amazing illustrations by New Yorker artist Edward Koren, this book is sure to appeal to messy kids everywhere.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Climb Everest (Little Ways to Live a Big Life #2)
by Kami Rita SherpaWhat does it take to climb the world's highest mountain? This delightful short book reveals everything you need to know about climbing Mount Everest - and who better to tell you than Kami Rita Sherpa, a Nepali guide who holds the record for most ascents to the summit of this extraordinary mountain. In May 2019 he scaled the mountain for the 24th time. From practical considerations to mental preparation, Kami Rita Sherpa leans on years of experience to disclose his secrets. He tells you what to pack, how to train, how to embrace pressure, how to persevere when exhaustion threatens to take over you, how to deal with panic, how to know when to stop and how to cope with defeat. Drawing on observations he's made from watching people fall apart, he delves into the human psyche to reveal what it takes to climb Earth's highest mountain.Along the way, he offers moments of spiritual wisdom, and explains why sherpas always pay homage to the mountain deity through the Purja ceremony. You will find out how to listen to what the mountains are saying, and how to appreciate the silence in this age of noise.