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How to Raise a Billionaire Genius: Guarantee Your Crying Poop Monster Grows Up to be Better Than All the Other Kids
by D. Hornby Sean CampbellFrom attachment-parenting hugs to Tiger Mom discipline, the so-called experts offer plenty of contradictory advice on how to raise the perfect child. So don't bother with their boring theories and instead follow the hilarious, if not so expert, suggestions in this book and surely (well, maybe) your precious offspring will turn out to be exactly what you want.*Forget Mozart-inspire a BILLIONAIRE in the womb by playing stock market bells and yelling like rally-crazed brokers.* A GENIUS isn't made playing hide-and-seek, so stop your offspring from playing games with IQ-draining friends.* A SUPER MODEL can't have fat (not even baby fat), so start her at birth on a diet of painkillers, cigarettes and vodka.
How to Raise a Jewish Dog
by The Rabbis of the Boca Raton Theological Seminary, Ellis Weiner and Barbara DavilmanA ‘Not Missing Yet’ sign informs neighbours that dog is not missing. Some trainers call this precaution unnecessary. We say: It couldn’t hurt.
How to Raise a Jewish Dog: Rabbis of Boca Raton Theological Seminary
by Barbara Davilman Ellis WeinerA humorous guide to raising a dog using traditional Jewish stereotypes.
How to Raise a Mom (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganCelebrate the bond between moms and children with this humorous New York Times-bestseller that invites the kids to do the hard work of raising their mom...if just for a day! This humorous new addition to the beloved HOW TO . . . books takes readers through a playful, busy day with Mom. Written in an instructional style, two siblings suggest the best ways to raise a happy, healthy mom—from waking her up in the morning to arranging play dates, to making sure she gets enough exercise, some quiet time, and plenty of veggies! Filled with charming role-reversal humor, creative ideas, and lots of love, How to Raise a Mom is the perfect gift for Mother&’s Day—or any day! Praise for the HOW TO . . . series: &“A silly take on role reversal.&” –Kirkus Reviews Reviews (How to Babysit a Grandma) &“Laugh-out-loud funny. . .&” –Kirkus Reviews (How to Raise a Mom) &“. . . laugh-out-loud scenes and funny hidden details.&” –Kirkus Reviews (How to Babysit a Grandpa) &“Touches of humor in each of the digitally rendered illustrations.&” –Kirkus Reviews (How to Surprise a Dad) The fun doesn't stop! Check out more HOW TO... picture books: How to Babysit a Grandma How to Babysit a Grandpa How to Catch a Santa How to Get Your Teacher Ready How to Raise a Mom How to Surprise a Dad
How to Raise a Mum
by Jean ReaganA laugh-out-loud funny picture book. Packed full of tips on how to have fun with your mum and make her feel loved on Mother's Day!So you want to look after your mum? Then you need this book!Essential tips include: How to wake your mum up (nicely). How to be the best ever errands helper. How to help your mum relax. (Hint: you could sing her a lullaby)Always remember, mums are special. They require expert care and extra cuddles.This hilarious 'How To' guide style picture book is guaranteed to get kids giggling (and keep them busy!)Look out for more books in the brilliantly funny, New York Times bestselling series:How to Surprise a DadHow to Catch SantaHow to Babysit a GrandadHow to Babysit a GrandmaHow to Get Your Teacher Ready for SchoolHow to Scare a Ghost
How to Really Stink at Golf
by Jeff Foxworthy Brian HarttAs a longtime golfer, Jeff Foxworthy has learned something important about the grand auld game: It’s not who has the highest score, it’s who has the least fun playing it. And now, in his hilarious primer How to Really Stink at Golf, Foxworthy shares his invaluable tips for a lifetime of horrible drives and putts. • Get into the right frame of mind to play truly awful golf. Food poisoning or a killer hangover might be just the ticket to a robust three-digit score. • Try to get to the course promptly at tee time to avoid the hassle of warming up: “You’re only gonna hit five good shots in the course of the day; why waste even one on the driving range?” • The surefire way to screw up a great drive? As you walk to the tee, keep telling yourself, “Don’t screw up your drive. ” If bad golf’s your goal, stress is your best friend. • Avoid fun. “Fun = relaxed = low scores . . . and that’s something we want to avoid at all cost. If you have a good hole, shake it off. ” • Perhaps the most important element: Embrace the fact that you do stink at golf. Cheating. Cursing. Avoiding fairways. Reckless cart driving. How to Really Stink at Golf covers it all, from selecting the correct putter to use on a 385-yard drive to prolonging your stay in the sand trap to picking the perfect foursome for spectacularly bad golf (“you, your ex-wife, your girlfriend, your wife”). With Jeff Foxworthy as your guide, even a scratch golfer can add ten, twenty, maybe thirty strokes to his or her score–and possibly more if you attempt to play the back nine, too. From the Hardcover edition.
How to Really be a Brit: The Unofficial Citizenship Test: A fun, fact-filled quiz book to test your knowledge of British culture!
by No Context BritsThis is the perfect gift for the least traditional person in your life - or an affectionate nod to the most!'Whilst the biggest political figures and finest historians have struggled for over a century to truly define what "being British" is, No Context Brits manages to do it five times a week, easily, on Twitter' CAITLIN MORANDo you know what year the Harrier jump jet was developed?What about the name of the first king of Scotland?Surely you must know the contents of the 1969 Bill of Rights?!Don't know the answers? Sorry, according to the Home Office, you're clearly not cut out to be a British Citizen. These inane questions have been posed by the Life in the UK test, more commonly known as the British citizenship test. If only there was an alternative test that wasn't stuck revelling in past glories . . . one that was fun, irreverent and unafraid to offer a glimpse of real life in the UK.How to Really be Brit is the unofficial citizenship test from the beloved No Context Brits Twitter account. You'll find 500 questions taking in every aspect of UK life - from Wrexham to Windrush, Bake Off to Brexit, scotch eggs to the Spice Girls and more.
How to Rent a Negro
by Damali AyoA hilarious and satirical look at race relations that is almost too close for comfort, this pseudo-guidebook gives both renters and rentals "much-needed" advice and tips on technique. Reframing actual stories, techniques, requests, and responses gathered from the author's more than 30 years of research and experience, tips are provided in step-by-step outlines for renters to get the most for their money, and how rentals can become successful and wealthy, what they should wear, and topics of conversation to avoid. The book also serves up photo-dramatizations of some of the popular approaches covered in the book, handy tip-boxes, frequently asked questions for renters and rentals, a "How do I know if I'm being rented" quiz, a glossary of important terms, and "quickie" insta-rentals for those who need to rent on the go. Punctuated by quotes from former renters, and featuring rental diaries based on real encounters, this satire shocks and amuses, presenting a strikingly stark mirror of human relationships.
How to Resist a Rancher (Montana Country Legacy)
by Teresa Southwick Cindy KirkRight cowboy, wrong time?Claiming the Rancher’s Heart by Cindy KirkWhen a matchmaker paired sophisticated Stacie Summers with rugged cowboy Josh Collins, they both thought it was a terrible mistake. But even though Josh thought the match was way off base, he couldn’t push the gorgeous Stacie from his mind. And Stacie’s low opinion of ranchers inched up with her heart rate whenever Josh was around. Could this unlikely friendship turn into something more?The Rancher Who Took Her In by Teresa SouthwickKate Dixon needed to escape the humiliation of her hastily called-off wedding, and Cabot Dixon’s Montana ranch seemed like the perfect place to keep a low profile. But when the single dad’s young son made not-so-subtle hints about wanting her as his mom, Cabot wondered what he’d opened himself up to…especially when he realized that he’d do anything to keep the runaway bride by his side for keeps!Previously published as Claiming the Rancher’s Heart and The Rancher Who Took Her In
How to Retire the Cheapskate Way
by Jeff YeagerUnlike most retirement planning and lifestyle books that focus on investing - or at the other end of the spectrum, on how to get the senior discount on a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's - this new book from Jeff Yeager, America's favorite cheapskate, makes the compelling case that you can have a joyous, worry-free retirement by merely spending smart and focusing on what you truly want and expect out of retirement. Combining Yeager's loveable humor and offbeat anecdotes that have garnered him an ever-growing fan base, How to Retire the Cheapskate Way shares with readers hundreds of retirement secrets and tips, including:·How to Simple-size Your Way to a Better Retirement·The 20 Secret Cheapskate Principles for Retiring Comfortably on Less...Maybe Even on Social Security Alone ·How to Survive the Medical Maelstrom (without resorting to DIY surgery at home)·Plus Dozens of Fun Ways to Both Earn a Little Extra Income During Retirement and Painlessly Cut Your ExpensesYeager, who serves as the official "Savings Expert" for AARP and its 40+ million members, weaves together both everyday practical tips and life-changing financial strategies with the real life stories of frugal retirees as well as people of all ages who are working toward a better, earlier, happier retirement The Cheapskate Way.
How to Ride a Dragonfly
by Kitty DonohoeLike a laugh-out-loud spin on Thumbelina, this whimsical, beautifully illustrated picture book stars an adventurous little girl who shrinks down to the size of a bug and takes a tour of the swamp on a dragonfly's back.Have you ever wanted to ride a dragonfly? Well, there&’s one problem… You&’re too big! But if you follow these simple steps, you'll be sure to have a fantastic journey:Step 1: Put a rose petal in your pocket at sunrise, which will make you shrink. But don't forget: you must return by sunset-- or else you&’ll stay shrunk!Step 2: Pick a blade of grass and lasso the first dragonfly that buzzes by--we'll call her Priscilla. Climb aboard!Step 3: Joust a bumblebee, groove to the Beetle Band, dine with fairies, and have an adventure. Watch out for the frogs! They love to eat dragonflies, and Priscilla looks quite tasty...Oh, dear! The sun is almost touching the mountains. Can you and Priscilla zip back in time before sunset? With a delightfully funny text by an elementary school teacher and deliciously playful artwork by a beloved illustrator, here is the perfect picture book for any child in search of adventure!
How to Rob an Armored Car: A Novel
by Iain LevisonThree friends looking for a way out of a dying Pennsylvania coal town dabble in petty crime, and believe they have a talent for it. Soon things begin to get out of hand.
How to Romance a Runaway Bride: Summer Romance With The Italian Tycoon / How To Romance A Runaway Bride (wilde Hearts) (Wilde Hearts #2)
by Teri WilsonUSA Today–Bestselling Author: A New York billionaire’s birthday party gets crashed—by a woman in a big white dress . . .“If we’re not married by thirty, we’ll marry each other . . .”Allegra Clark doesn’t expect to be a runaway bride . . . till she’s about to say, “I do.” Then the commitment-phobe bolts—straight into the adjacent thirtieth birthday party of the man she’d once vowed to wed.Billionaire hotelier Zander Wilde can hardly believe his eyes. The woman he never forgot, more beautiful than ever, in a gown and veil. And she’s just days away from her thirtieth birthday . . .Praise for RITA Award winner Teri Wilson’s novels“Charming and unexpectedly touching.” —Kirkus Reviews“Like journeying through a dream that I never wanted to end.” —Night Owl Reviews
How to Ruin Everything: Essays
by George Watsky<P>Are you a sensible, universally competent individual? Are you tired of the crushing monotony of leaping gracefully from one lily pad of success to the next? Are you sick of doing everything right? <P>In this brutally honest and humorous debut, musician and artist George Watsky chronicles the small triumphs over humiliation that make life bearable and how he has come to accept defeat as necessary to personal progress. The essays in How to Ruin Everything range from the absurd (how he became an international ivory smuggler) to the comical (his middle-school rap battle dominance) to the revelatory (his experiences with epilepsy), yet all are delivered with the type of linguistic dexterity and self-awareness that has won Watsky more than 765,000 YouTube subscribers. Alternately ribald and emotionally resonant, How to Ruin Everything announces a versatile writer with a promising career ahead. <P><b>A New York Times Bestseller</b>
How to Ruin Your Children's Lives
by Mary McHughA parent&’s guide to giving wise advice, asking questions, encouraging good habits, and other ways to annoy their teenager. *Ask them about girlfriends or boyfriends in front of relatives *Run out on the basketball court with a first-aid kit if they&’re hurt during a game *Fall asleep when your teen is telling you what Sue said to Jennifer and what Jennifer told Maryanne and what Karen did then How to Ruin Your Children&’s Lives is a survival manual for enduring the transmutation of loving child to hostile teenager, and—with a little luck—maintaining enough sanity to one day hear those longed-for words, &“Hey, I guess you weren&’t so stupid after all.&” Purple hair? Belly rings? Bizarre musical tastes? Not a problem as long as you have these nearly 300 tips and tactics close at hand. With resident teenagers slamming doors and screaming at the top of their lungs, &“You're ruining my life!&” parents should at least make certain they&’re handling the job with poise.
How to Ruin Your Life
by Ben SteinAuthor Ben Stein offers a witty, humorous account of 35 "simple steps" on how you can quickly, easily, and effectively ruin your life.
How to Rule an Empire and Get Away with It
by K. J. Parker"Full of invention and ingenuity . . . Great fun." - SFX on Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThis is the history of how the City was saved, by Notker the professional liar, written down because eventually the truth always seeps through. The City may be under siege, but everyone still has to make a living. Take Notker, the acclaimed playwright, actor, and impresario. Nobody works harder, even when he's not working. Thankfully, it turns out that people enjoy the theater just as much when there are big rocks falling out of the sky. But Notker is a man of many talents, and all the world is, apparently, a stage. It seems that the empire needs him -- or someone who looks a lot like him -- for a role that will call for the performance of a lifetime. At least it will guarantee fame, fortune, and immortality. If it doesn't kill him first. In the follow up to the acclaimed Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City, K. J. Parker has created one of fantasy's greatest heroes, and he might even get away with it. For more from K. J. Parker, check out:Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThe Two of SwordsThe Two of Swords: Volume OneThe Two of Swords Volume TwoThe Two of Swords: Volume ThreeThe Fencer TrilogyColours in the SteelThe Belly of the BowThe Proof HouseThe Scavenger TrilogyShadowPatternMemoryEngineer TrilogyDevices and DesiresEvil for EvilThe EscapementThe CompanyThe Folding KnifeThe HammerSharps
How to Run Wars: A Confidential Playbook for the National Security Elite
by Christopher J. Coyne Abigail R. HallA copy of the top-secret memo below recently came into our hands, and we thought we should bring it to your attention! &“Dear National Security Elite: In an ideal world, the public would simply accept whatever their leaders—you, in other words—told them. They would comply with restrictions and mandates, not as a matter of mere obedience, but as a matter of unquestionable patriotic duty. But we don&’t live in an ideal world. And with the fate of the world, especially the world&’s wars, in the hands of our enlightened, benevolent, and eminently responsible national security elite—in your hands, in other words—we can&’t afford to risk opening the conversation to an informed public. And we certainly can&’t risk asking for anything so antiquated as &“consent,&” either. Not when the stakes are this high. You simply must learn: How to control the narrative—every narrative—in your favor; How to completely capture the media and effectively quash dissent; How destroying liberty creates more liberty in the long (long) run; Why top-down economic planning, here and abroad, is your best friend; How to flout international, and of course domestic, law and get away with it; And much, much more... The danger with any book like this is, obviously, that it may fall into the wrong hands. If any member of the general public should happen upon these pages, the consequences would be fatal. After all, people may realize that the national security elite—you, in other words—are not, in fact, all-powerful harbingers of peace... They may realize that you are, literally, a force for good... armed and relentlessly attempting to bend the planet to your noble will. And that realization would be nothing short of disastrous. Don&’t let this book fall into the wrong hands!&” Merciless in their penetrating analysis, Christopher J. Coyne and Abigail Hall have written the satirical portrait of America&’s contemporary military-industrial complex. Drawing inspiration from the 1936 classic How to Run a War, by Bruce W. Knight, this book is a must-read for anyone who would know the truth about America&’s endless wars and the people who run them.... The truth might just set us free. It will certainly make you laugh. Then—really angry.
How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday
by James BreakwellThe parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out loud: What's the proper first aid for my toddler's vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child's nap? Fortunately, there's now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more. Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell's latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives, including: How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs. How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time. How to survive crashing horses, trains, hot air balloons, and other vehicles you might find in the carpool lane. This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children's—risk.
How to Save Your Tail*: *if you are a rat nabbed by cats who really like stories about magic spoons, wol ves with snout-warts, big, hairy chimney trolls . . . and cookies, too.
by Mary HansonHow does a cookie-baking Rat named Bob save his tail from being gobbled by two hungry cats? By serving them cookies and telling themfantastic fairy tales about his family, of course. There's the story about great-grand uncle Mustard who upgrades his family to a lovely three-bedroom brick house. (All's well until some wolves with snout-warts show up.) And there's the one about how starving Grandma Lois was forced to take a job spinning straw into gold. (Impossible to do . . . until a hairy chimney troll comes along.)With allusions to classic fairy tales, plus a storytelling rat to rival Scheherazade, this book--which also includes black-and-white illustrations, a family tree, and a map of Bob's neighborhood--is sure to hold both cats and kids captive.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Scare a Ghost
by Jean ReaganA laugh-out-loud funny Halloween picture book, packed full of essential Ghost-hunting tips.Have you always wanted to see a ghost? Then you need this book! First, you need to catch one. You could: make ghostly noises, carve creepy pumpkins, bake spooky cupcakes.Then it's time to have lots of Halloween fun with your new ghost buddy!This hilarious 'How To' guide style picture book is guaranteed to get kids giggling, and keep them busy on Halloween!Look out for more books in the brilliantly funny, New York Times bestselling series:How to Catch SantaHow to Surprise a DadHow to Raise a MumHow to Babysit a GrandadHow to Babysit a GrandmaHow to Get Your Teacher Ready for School
How to Scare a Ghost (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers How to Catch Santa and How to Babysit a Grandpa comes a silly (and not-too-spooky) send-up of Halloween...and ghosts!Who says ghosts get to have all the fun on Halloween? In this humorous new addition to Jean Reagan and Lee Wildish's bestselling How to... books, the kids are in charge! But in order to scare a ghost, you might have to find one first. Guided by a tongue-in-cheek instructional style, two children show young readers how to set the stage for a spooktacular Halloween by carving pumpkins, playing games, and even reading scary stories. Has a ghost showed up? Great! Now the fun--er, the scaring--can really begin. Filled with charming role-reversal humor, creative ideas, and lots of holiday spirit, How to Scare a Ghost is sure to delight kids, parents, and things that go bump in the night.
How to Sell a Romance
by Alexa MartinRomance is the biggest scheme of them all in this laugh-out-loud romantic comedy from beloved author Alexa Martin. Emerson Pierce loves everything about being a kindergarten teacher except the painfully low salary. It isn&’t until she hears about Petunia Lemon—an opportunity to sell makeup products, make some extra money, and meet a group of skin-care aficionados—that she begins to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, it sounds a little too good to be true, but what&’s the worst that could happen? Investigative reporter Lucas Miller didn&’t always have a chip on his shoulder...until his wife joined Petunia Lemon, drained their savings, and filed for divorce. Now he&’s a little bitter, a lot single, and determined to expose the company. After infiltrating their largest convention yet, the last thing he expects is to lose sight of his mission for one night with the gorgeous woman at the bar. When Emerson and Lucas learn that she&’s his daughter&’s teacher, they decide to ignore their scorching chemistry. Until things with Petunia Lemon turn downright diabolical and Emerson turns to Lucas for help. They work together to bring the company down but can the two come out on top in this pyramid scheme of love?
How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical & Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, & Civil Servants
by David ReesA hilarious guide to the lost art of artisanal pencil sharpeningHave you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil?Deep in New York's Hudson River Valley, craftsman David Rees--the world's number one #2 pencil sharpener--still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening. In 2010, he began offering his artisanal service to the world, to the jubilation of artists, writers, draftsmen, and standardized test takers.Now, in a book that is both a manifesto and a fully-illustrated walk-through of the many, many, many ways to sharpen a pencil, he reveals the secrets of his craft. By the time you're through this book, you will know how to get the perfect point on your pencil without injuring yourself. And if you think it's a joke, why don't you poke yourself with your newly sharpened pencil? Or better yet, don't--because it'll really hurt.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Sleep with a Movie Star
by Kristin Harmel26-year-old Claire Reilly is on top of her game as one of the youngest celebrity reporters and editors in the business. At Mod magazine, she is a consummate professional, interviewing dreamy Hollywood hunks and staying on top of every story. Unfortunately, her live-in boyfriend seems intent on setting the worlds record for celibacy, yet she finds herself penning articles like Ten Reasons You Should Have a One-Night Stand. When Claire lands the plum assignment of interviewing Cole Brannon, Hollywoods #1 hottie, she knows better than to mix business with pleasure, but the next morning, she finds herself in Coles bed....without her clothes. After the tabloids pick up the story, Claires life is turned upside down. In struggling to regain her reputation, shell learn a great deal about herself....and that you shouldnt always believe everything you read.