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If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground
by Lewis GrizzardFunny, sad, outrageous, irresistible, and unforgettably true, here is Lewis Grizzard's one-way, non-stop climb to the top of the newspaper heap. Of course, along the way, he drove a train and was a preacher, but the one and only life for this self-proclaimed Promising Young Man from Georgia was that of the ink-stained, stop-the-presses, honest-to-gosh newspaperman. This is his story. Other books by Lewis Grizzard are available in this library.
If I Get Hit By a Bus Tomorrow, Here's How to Replace the Toilet Paper Roll
by Mary MchughWith this delightful, tongue-in-cheek guide for men who can win a case before the Supreme Court or run a conglomerate but can't find the butter, Ms. McHugh provides a step-by-step guide for making breakfast, emptying the dishwasher, finding the clothes hamper and doing the laundry, along with an assortment of other domestic necessities.She continues with wise advice for men whose wives are pregnant-"How to Live with a Pregnant Wife Without Complaining about Anything While Making Her Feel Sexy and Desirable At All Times", tells them how to go without sleep for three months after the baby is born, and finishes up with "How to Watch Football and the Baby at the Same Time."A chapter on taking care of three small boys while staying sane should be on every young father's emergency list for times when his wife is out of town on business or visiting her mother in Iowa.And finally, instructions on answering a ringing telephone, folding shirts for a business trip and finding his wallet, keys, glasses, socks and underwear are absolute must-reads for every man who thinks some invisible being does all those things.Aimed at busy women of all ages, this book will also make grown men laugh and might even be useful when they run out of underwear.
If I Ignore It, It Will Go Away: And Other Lies I Thought Were True
by Marsha MarksHave you ever thought… My daughter will take care of the dog… I can keep house like my mother-in-law… I’ll never dothatagain… Not only has author Marsha Marks believed the lies many of us hear and tell on a daily basis–she’s willing to talk about them! Tickling the funny bone to get to the heart, Marks shares the real truths she’s discovered behind everyday lies. Here you’ll enjoy heavenly advice woven into hilarious stories as Marks offers a good dose of reality in a way you’ve never heard it before.
If I Knew Then: Finding wisdom in failure and power in aging
by Jann ArdenJann Arden--bestselling author, recording artist and late-blooming TV star--is back with this funny, heartfelt and fierce memoir on becoming a woman of a certain age. The power, gravity and freedom she's found at fifty-seven are superpowers she believes all of us can unleash.Digging deep into her strengths, her failures and her losses, Jann Arden brings us an inspiring account of how she has surprised herself, in her fifties, by at last becoming completely her own person. Like many women, it took Jann a long time to realize that trying to be pleasing and likeable and beautiful in the eyes of others was a loser's game. Letting it rip, and damning the consequences, is not only liberating, it's a hell of a lot of fun: "Being the age I am--that so many women are--is just the best time of my life." Jann weaves her own story together with tales of her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, and the father she came close to hating, to show her younger self--and all of us--that fear and avoidance is no way to live. "What I'm thinking about now aren't all the ways I can try to hang on to my youth or all the seconds ticking by in some kind of morbid countdown to death," she writes, "but rather how I keep becoming someone I always hoped I could be. If I'm lucky one day a very old face will look back at me from the mirror, a face I once shied away from. I will love that old woman ferociously, because she has finally figured out how to live a life of purpose--not in spite of but because of all her mistakes and failures."
If I Knew the Way, I Would Take You Home
by Dave HousleyA KISS cover-band leader pondering a fertility-driven criminal act, a boy watching his hair-metal dad search for love on reality TV, a quiet teenage metalhead stumbling into her own voice while trailing her former roadie father#151;these are the characters seeking resolution, tempering expectations, and occasionally finding grace and the dignity and strength to go on. Dave Housley's collection examines the quiet desperation and occasional triumphs of growing up and growing older through the prism of music. Dave Housley's work has appeared in Hobart, Mid-American Review, Nerve, and elsewhere. A founding editor of Barrelhouse Magazine, this is his third book.
If I Never Met You: A Novel
by Mhairi McFarlaneBestselling author Mhairi McFarlane returns with another heartfelt romantic comedy perfect for fans of Josie Silver, Sophie Kinsella, or Sally Thorne.One of Shondaland's 5 Must-Read Books for March!If faking love is this easy... how do you know when it’s real? When her partner of over a decade suddenly ends things, Laurie is left reeling—not only because they work at the same law firm and she has to see him every day. Her once perfect life is in shambles and the thought of dating again in the age of Tinder is nothing short of horrifying. When news of her ex’s pregnant girlfriend hits the office grapevine, taking the humiliation lying down is not an option. Then a chance encounter in a broken-down elevator with the office playboy opens up a new possibility. Jamie Carter doesn’t believe in love, but he needs a respectable, steady girlfriend to impress their bosses. Laurie wants a hot new man to give the rumor mill something else to talk about. It’s the perfect proposition: a fauxmance played out on social media, with strategically staged photographs and a specific end date in mind. With the plan hatched, Laurie and Jamie begin to flaunt their new couple status, to the astonishment—and jealousy—of their friends and colleagues. But there’s a fine line between pretending to be in love and actually falling for your charming, handsome fake boyfriend...
If I Ran The School
by Bruce LanskyHomework Would Be Fun... If Your Teacher Assigned This Book as Required Reading! If you've ever considered playing sick, had a hard time getting started on your homework, thought your teacher was on your case, or wondered how many days were left until summer vacation, this collection of funny school poems is for you. Bruce Lansky has written five new poems for this book and selected nineteen others from some of his favorite poets, including Jack Prelutsky, Kenn Nesbitt, Ted Scheu, and Robert Pottle.
If I Ran the Circus (Classic Seuss)
by Dr. SeussDr. Seuss's classic celebration of youthful imagination! The Circus McGurkus! The World's Greatest Show On the face of the earth, or wherever you go! Young Morris McGurk's has a BIG imagination. He wants to turn the vacant lot behind Sneelock's Store into the Circus McGurkus—the most colossal, stupendous, tremendous show in the world! Here you'll be entertained by bizarre creatures like the Drum-Tummied Snum, the Juggling Jott, and the Harp-Twanging Snarp, and fantastic circus acts performed by Sneelock—a sleepy shop keeper whom Morris images as the daredevil star of his big top! This is Dr. Seuss at his best, celebrating youthful imagination and creating a fantasy world that will delight and transport readers of all ages.
If I Ran the Circus: Read & Listen Edition (Classic Seuss)
by Dr. SeussStep right up for Dr. Seuss&’s classic rhyming picture-book tale of young Morris McGurk&’s big circus dreams. This circus has more than a mere lion tamer and trapeze artist! At the Circus McGurkus, you&’ll be intrigued by the wink-hooded Hoodwink, terrified by the Spotted Atrocious, and amazed by the daring feats of the great Sneelock. And these are just a few of the astonishing things you&’ll find under this big top. Told with the humor and originality that are synonymous with Dr. Seuss, If I Ran the Circus is a crowd-pleasing showstopper!This Read & Listen edition contains audio narration.
If I Stopped Haunting You
by Colby Wilkens"If you're in the mood for a steamy enemies-to-lovers romance but also a chilling haunted-house horror, GET YOU A BOOK THAT CAN DO BOTH! I blazed through this book in one sitting because I just couldn't wait to find out what would happen next!" - Alicia Thompson, USA Today bestselling author of With Love, from Cold WorldAn enemies to lovers romance where two feuding writers end up on a writers retreat together at a haunted castle in Scotland...It's been months since horror author Penelope Skinner threw a book at Neil Storm. But he was so infuriating, with his sparkling green eyes and his bestselling horror novels that claimed to break Native stereotypes. And now she’s a publishing pariah and hasn’t been able to write a word since. So when her friend invites her on a too-good-to-be-true writers retreat in a supposedly haunted Scottish castle, she seizes the opportunity. Of course, some things really are too good to be true.Neil wants nothing less than to be trapped in a castle with the frustratingly adorable woman who threw a book at him. She drew blood! Worse still, she unleashed a serious case of self-doubt! Neil is terrified to write another bestselling “book without a soul,” as Pen called it. All Neil wants is to find inspiration, while completely avoiding her.But as the retreat begins, Pen and Neil are stunned to find themselves trapped in a real-life ghost story. Even more horrifying, they’re stuck together and a truly shocking (extremely hot) almost-kiss has left them rethinking their feelings, and… maybe they shouldn’t have been enemies at all? But if they can’t stop the ghosts pursuing them, they may never have the chance to find out.Full of spooky chills and even more sexy thrills, If I Stopped Haunting You by Colby Wilkens is the funny, fast-paced romp romance readers have been waiting for!"I didn't realize I needed a romance book married to cozy horror but now I'm wondering where this particular mashup has been all my life. Can't wait to read the next!" - Jessica Clare, New York Times bestselling author
If I Told You, I'd Have to Kiss You: A Novel
by Mae MarvelMr. and Mrs. Smith meets The Pairing in this heart-racing romance of secrets, spies, and steam.A few rules for the international superspy:(1) Never blow your cover.(2) Never accept the first plan.(3) Never fall for anyone at the agency. Especially if she’s your ex-girlfriend.Yardley Whitmer, code name “the Unicorn,” can do no wrong. She’s honed her spycraft and become an instant legend in the field. If only breaking up with her girlfriend were as easy as rappelling off the Eiffel Tower. Living a full-time cover story has slowly eroded her relationship until there’s nothing left but lies. KC “Tabasco” Nolan, hacker extraordinaire, can crack any code—except the one that would tell her the right moment to confess her secret job to Yardley. Now it’s too late, and she’s in danger of losing the best chance at love she’s ever had. When an undercover shakedown goes wrong, Yardley and KC discover the unbelievable truth—that they’ve both been working at the agency for years. To salvage the mission, they partner up and fly across oceans, race through winding European streets, and give in to inconvenient passion while hiding in an ambassador’s linen closet. But can they throw away their rules and fight through their secrets to fall in love with each other’s true selves?
If It Fits, I Sits: Cats in Awkward Places
by VariousAnyone who has met a cat knows how much they enjoy squeezing themselves into weird places and uncomfortable-looking positions.Will we ever know why?Probably not.Featuring over 100 photos of cats and kittens, and the sarcastic comments we know they would make if they decided to communicate with humans beyond meowing, IF IT FITS, I SITS celebrates the simple truth that if it fits... they'll sits.
If It Makes You Happy
by Julie OliviaGrab your favorite fall candle, cuddle into a comfy blanket, and travel back in time to 1997 in this cozy, slow-burn romance set in the autumn glow of small-town Vermont.Now with exclusive bonus content!My new next-door neighbor seems to have everything figured out. Small town golden boy? Check. Single dad extraordinaire? Check. Hot baker forearms? I didn&’t notice them, I swear.I, on the other hand, don&’t–at all–have anything figured out. Trust me, I didn&’t think taking over my mom&’s dream bed and breakfast in Copper Run Vermont was going to be easy. It should be a good place to heal after my divorce. But apparently my scones belong in the garbage with my small talk skills. As pointed out by none other than Cliff.Cliff is inescapable. He knows exactly what people need–always. His charm, the way he wears flannel, and even his pastries, make not wanting to be friends with Cliff and his daughters pretty hard.Friends? I can make friends. That&’s safe. Except I&’m leaving in three months to pass the inn off to my little sister and get the promotion in Seattle I&’ve been working towards. So ask me why I&’m thinking about kissing my hot neighbor.
If It Was Easy, They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon
by Jenna Mccarthy"Hilarious, smart, and utterly addicting. Watch out, Nora Ephron." -Valerie Frankel Jenna McCarthy presents an uproarious but insightful peek behind the curtains at the unholy state of matrimony. With ballsy wit and bawdy humor, she explores everything from male domestic idiocy and the frustrating misfires in spousal communication to how to stay true to the peskiest of vows: forsaking all others. Part in-your-face guide, part brutal confession, this book is a must-read manifesto on surviving marriage in an age when everyone seems to live forever and getting a divorce is as easy as ordering a latte.
If It's Not Funny It's Art
by Demetri MartinNew York Times bestselling author of This Is a Book and Point Your Face at This, Demetri Martin is back with another collection of hilarious drawings: IF IT'S NOT FUNNY IT'S ARTPacked with hundreds of new illustrations and one-liners, IF IT'S NOT FUNNY IT'S ART is a peek into the ingenious mind of author/comedian/filmmaker Demetri Martin. Exploring the meaning of art, life, death, ennui and the elegant fart joke with a sensibility all its own, this collection is a perfect gift for word lovers, art appreciators and fans of Demetri's unique brand of comedy. Sure to make you laugh out loud, and if it doesn't, then you know it's art.
If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother
by Julia Sweeney“I took so long to assemble my lovely family. If only they would disappear.” While Julia Sweeney is known as a talented comedienne and writer and performer of her one-woman shows, she is also a talented essayist. Happily for us, the past few years have provided her with some rich material. Julia adopted a Chinese girl named Mulan (“After the movie?”) and then, a few years later, married and moved from Los Angeles to Chicago. She writes about deciding to adopt her child, strollers, nannies (including the Chinese Pat), knitting, being adopted by a dog, The Food Network, and meeting Mr. Right through an email from a complete stranger who wrote, “Desperately Seeking Sweeney-in-Law.” She recounts how she explained the facts of life to nine-year-old Mulan, a story that became a wildly popular TED talk and YouTube video. Some of the essays reveal Julia’s ability to find that essential thread of human connection, whether it’s with her mother-in-law, who candidly reveals a story that most people would keep a secret, or with an anonymous customer service rep during a late-night phone call. But no matter what the topic, Julia always writes with elegant precision, pinning her jokes with razor-sharp observations while articulating feelings that we all share. Poignant, provocative, and wise, this is a funny, and at times powerful, memoir by a woman living her life with originality and intelligence.
If Keanu Were Your Boyfriend: The Man, the Myth, the WHOA!
by Marisa PolanskyImagine dating the internet's boyfriend in this illustrated homage to the always charming and often enigmatic Keanu Reeves. This full-color hardcover contains biographical information as well as illustrated quotes straight from the unicorn-of-a-man himself.Keanu Reeves insists he's "just a normal guy" despite being one of the most recognizable (and most excellent) faces in Hollywood. Apparently, Keanu's humility knows no bounds--just like our love for him. After all, the Keanusance didn't just come out of nowhere. He's had an epic four-decade-long acting career that includes the heart-stopping John Wick, the heart-melting Always Be My Maybe, and the heart-pounding The Matrix. His generosity and kindness are legendary, and he remains an enigmatic mystery we're dying to solve. And how could we forget, he's the Sexiest Man Alive!Part biography and part dreamlike narrative, this vibrant book imagines what it would be like if the internet's boyfriend were YOUR boyfriend. Get to know your man even better through stunning hand-lettered quotes including gems like: "I don't get out much" and "Life is good when you have a good sandwich." If Keanu Were Your Boyfriend is the perfect celebration of the man, the myth, the whoa: Keanu Reeves.
If Kids Ruled the School: Kids' Favorite Funny School Poems (Giggle Poetry)
by Stephen Carpenter Bruce LankyIf you've ever tried to convince Mom and Dad that the F on your report card stands for "fabulous," this hilarious collection of school poems is for you! In the tradition of the popular anthology No More Homework! No More Tests!, this book covers wild and wacky school topics, like bringing skunks to show-and-tell, falling asleep at your desk, and ripping your pants on the playground. The big-timers of children's poetry have converged on the pages of this book to deliver the very best in school poetry. Just ask the hundreds of elementary-school students who helped Bruce Lansky handpick these poems: Each poem is guaranteed to make you giggle, grin, and/or guffaw!
If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?: Bestselling Author Of Family - The Ties That Bind... And Gag!
by Erma BombeckThe hilarious #1 New York Times bestseller: Erma Bombeck&’s take on marriage and family life is &“fun from cover to cover&” (Hartford Courant). Ever since she was a child, Er ma Bombeck has been an expert worrier, and married life has only honed that skill. She gets anxious about running out of ball bearings; about snakes sneaking in through the pipes; about making meaningful conversation on New Year&’s Eve. Married life, she realizes, is an unpredictable saga even when you know exactly how loud your husband snores every night—and she wouldn&’t have it any other way. In this crisp collection of essays, Bombeck shows off the irresistible style that made her one of America&’s favorite humorists for more than three decades. When she sharpens her wit, no family member is sacred and no self-help fad is safe. This ebook features an illustrated biography of Erma Bombeck including rare images and never-before-seen documents from the author&’s estate.
If Monet Painted a Monster
by Amy NewboldA new kid-friendly tour of art history from the inventive Newbolds. Edward Hopper’s monster lurks outside the nighthawks’ diner. James Whistler’s monster rocks in her chair. Monsters invade masterpieces by Dorthea Tanning, Paul Cezanne, M.C. Escher, Jean Michel Basquiat, Giuseppe Archimboldo, Rene Magritte, Henri Rousseau, Franz Kline, Frida Kahlo, Bob Thompson, Henri Toulouse-Lautrec, Thomas Hart Benton, and Helen Frankenthaler. The monster emerging from Claude Monet’s waterlilies is unforgettable. Our guide for this romp through re-imagined masterpieces is an engaging hamster. Thumbnail biographies of the artists identify their iconic works.
If Nietzsche Were a Narwhal: What Animal Intelligence Reveals About Human Stupidity
by Justin GreggThis funny, "extraordinary and thought-provoking" (The Wall Street Journal) book asks whether we are in fact the superior species. As it turns out, the truth is stranger—and far more interesting—than we have been led to believe.If Nietzsche Were a Narwhal overturns everything we thought we knew about human intelligence, and asks the question: would humans be better off as narwhals? Or some other, less brainy species? There&’s a good argument to be made that humans might be a less successful animal species precisely because of our amazing, complex intelligence. All our unique gifts like language, math, and science do not make us happier or more &“successful&” (evolutionarily speaking) than other species. Our intelligence allowed us to split the atom, but we&’ve harnessed that knowledge to make machines of war. We are uniquely susceptible to bullshit (though, cuttlefish may be the best liars in the animal kingdom); our bizarre obsession with lawns has contributed to the growing threat of climate change; we are sexually diverse like many species yet stand apart as homophobic; and discriminate among our own as if its natural, which it certainly is not. Is our intelligence more of a curse than a gift? As scientist Justin Gregg persuasively argues, there&’s an evolutionary reason why human intelligence isn&’t more prevalent in the animal kingdom. Simply put, non-human animals don&’t need it to be successful. And, miraculously, their success arrives without the added baggage of destroying themselves and the planet in the process. In seven mind-bending and hilarious chapters, Gregg highlights one feature seemingly unique to humans—our use of language, our rationality, our moral systems, our so-called sophisticated consciousness—and compares it to our animal brethren. Along the way, remarkable tales of animal smarts emerge, as you&’ll discover: &“A dazzling, delightful read on what animal cognition can teach us about our own mental shortcomings.&” —Adam Grant The house cat who&’s better at picking winning stocks than actual fund managers Elephants who love to drink Pigeons who are better than radiologists at spotting cancerous tissue Bumblebees who are geniuses at teaching each other soccer What emerges is both demystifying and remarkable, and will change how you look at animals, humans, and the meaning of life itself. San Francisco Chronicle bestseller • BOOKRIOT Best Books of the Year • Next Big Idea Book Club Best Science Books of the Year &“I love the book, and everyone should read it.&” —Ryan Holiday "Undeniably entertaining." —TheNew York Times
If Not For My Baby: The Spicy, Swoony Rockstar Romance by the Author of A Dawn Of Onyx!
by Kate Golden'Sensual, poetic, and full of delicious, excruciating yearning' Ali HazelwoodClementine Clark isn't looking for love. She's a talented singer, but she's set her dreams of stardom - and romance - aside to care for her ailing mother.And then her best friend calls her with a life-changing opportunity: join Irish megastar Halloran on his first US tour as a backing vocalist. Clementine wants to reject the offer, but the pay would change her and her mom's life. Overnight, Clementine goes from serving enchiladas at the Happy Tortilla to belting high notes before a cheering crowd.But the whiplash of trading small-town Texas for sold-out stadiums is nothing compared to the rush of performing with the enigmatic Thomas Patrick Halloran. Poet, introvert, and lyrical genius, Halloran quickly gets under Clementine's skin. The two couldn't see the world more differently. And yet, over the course of the next eight weeks on tour, the romantic rockstar might just strike an unforgettable chord in Clementine. But will it be enough for an encore?A steamy romance of second chances, perfect for fans of Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover, What Is Love by Jen Comfort and The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jiminez.
If Not For My Baby: The Spicy, Swoony Rockstar Romance by the Author of A Dawn Of Onyx!
by Kate Golden'Sensual, poetic, and full of delicious, excruciating yearning' Ali HazelwoodClementine Clark isn't looking for love. She's a talented singer, but she's set her dreams of stardom - and romance - aside to care for her ailing mother.And then her best friend calls her with a life-changing opportunity: join Irish megastar Halloran on his first US tour as a backing vocalist. Clementine wants to reject the offer, but the pay would change her and her mom's life. Overnight, Clementine goes from serving enchiladas at the Happy Tortilla to belting high notes before a cheering crowd.But the whiplash of trading small-town Texas for sold-out stadiums is nothing compared to the rush of performing with the enigmatic Thomas Patrick Halloran. Poet, introvert, and lyrical genius, Halloran quickly gets under Clementine's skin. The two couldn't see the world more differently. And yet, over the course of the next eight weeks on tour, the romantic rockstar might just strike an unforgettable chord in Clementine. But will it be enough for an encore?A steamy romance of second chances, perfect for fans of Maybe Someday by Colleen Hoover, What Is Love by Jen Comfort and The Happy Ever After Playlist by Abby Jiminez.
If Not for My Baby
by Kate GoldenIt&’s the duet of a lifetime when a rock star and his backup singer find a new kind of harmony off stage in this sensational contemporary romance. Clementine Clark isn&’t looking for love. Growing up with a single mom who weeps over a new guy each week tends to have that effect on a girl. But Clementine doesn&’t mind being the rational one—she&’s even buried her musical dreams so deeply within herself that she hardly notices the hole it&’s left in her life. That is until her best friend calls her with a life-changing opportunity: to join Irish megastar Halloran on his first US tour as a backing vocalist. Clementine wants to reject the offer, but the pay is enough to change her and her mom&’s life. Overnight, Clementine goes from serving enchiladas at the Happy Tortilla to belting high notes before a cheering crowd.But the whiplash of trading small-town Texas for sold-out stadiums is nothing compared to the rush of performing with the enigmatic Thomas Patrick Halloran. Poet, introvert, and lyrical genius, Halloran quickly gets under Clementine&’s skin. The two couldn&’t see the world more differently. And yet, over the course of the next eight weeks on tour, the romantic rockstar might just strike an unforgettable chord in Clementine. But will it be enough for an encore?
If Only She Knew: A twisty humorous mystery series (If Only She Knew Mystery Series #1)
by Pamela CraneWITH OVER 100,000 COPIES SOLD, THIS HUMOROUS MYSTERY SERIES IS GUARANTEED TO KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES!For over a century, death visits Bloodson Bay on the same day every year, and no one knows why…When a girl goes missing, Peace Bloodson's family is blamed as the "curse" strikes again—a deadly phenomenon that happens every year in her small town. Dark tales are retold in fearful whispers around campfires about an ancient murder. Wide-eyed children search the shadows for ghosts said to haunt the townsfolk. And the abandoned manor at the edge of Peace's farm, called the Slaughter Shed for good reason, holds unexplainable mysteries.As the rumors and body count grow, so does Peace's determination to crack the case. A hidden journal reveals a sinister family history along with a chilling link to the missing girl. To restore Peace's reputation and lay the spirits to rest, she must expose this terrible secret.While Peace is dangerously close to causing a public scandal and tearing her life apart, she faces a much more sinister threat. Someone will kill to keep the truth hidden as she faces the same deadly fate.Throw on your favorite flannel and combat boots, then dive into this 1990s throwback thriller that smells like teen spirit as a group of friends risk their so-called lives to stop a century-old murder spree...Fans of Nita Prose's The Maid, Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum Series, and Richard Osman's The Thursday Murder Club are raving about this witty new twisty mystery series!Buy If Only She Knew to start this addicting series today!