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How to Speak Baseball: An Illustrated Guide to Ballpark Banter
by James Charlton Sally CookThis handsome guide to the language of baseball decodes the amusing, clever phrases that pepper commentary about the sport. Packed with witty explanations of everything from "duster" and "rubber arm" to "up the elevator," this ballpark lexicon plays on a nostalgic love for the national pastime while covering ground from baseball's beginnings to today. This humorous mix of definitions and anecdotes is the perfect gift for both lifelong baseball fans and rookies working up the ranks.
How to Speak Dragonese (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #3)
by Cressida CowellThe rollicking sequel to "How to Train Your Dragon" and "How to Be a Pirate" offers a fast-paced plot, slapstick humor, and witty dialogue to enhance an exciting tale featuring Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III.
How to Speak Southern
by Steve MitchellThe laugh sensation that swept the nation, How to Speak Southern and More How to Speak Southern, is now collected in one complete--and completely hilarious--volume. Embraced by Southerners everywhere and dedicated to all Yankees in the hope that it will teach them to talk right, this uproarious book decodes "Suthun" wit and wisdom for "Nawthun" upstarts everywhere. From "aig" (a breakfast food that may be fried, scrambled, boiled, or poached) to "zackly" (as in "precisely"), here's just a sampling of what you'll find inside: ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. "Pass me attair gravy, please." EVERWHICHAWAYS: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit that chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways." YONTNY: Do you want any. "Yontny more corn bread?" Funny as well as informative, this laugh-out-loud dictionary will keep you laughing and learning--no matter where you fall on the Mason-Dixon Line!
How to Spell Chanukah...And Other Holiday Dilemmas: 18 Writers Celebrate 8 Nights of Lights
by Emily FranklinRing in the holiday with eighteen writers who extol, excoriate, and expand our understanding of this most merry of Jewish festivals as they offer up funny, irreverent, and, yes, even nostalgic takes on a holiday that holds a special place in Jewish hearts . . . and stomachs.Pieces by Jonathan Tropper, Jennifer Gilmore, Steve Almond, Joanna Smith Rakoff, Adam Langer, and others address pressing issues: what is the weight gain associated with eating 432 latkes in eight nights? Offer joyous gratitude: “What a holiday! No pestilence, no slavery, no locusts, no cattle disease, or atonement. Thank God.” And afford tender truths: “You are reminded of your real gifts: a family you get to come home to.”Whether your family tradition included a Christmas tree or a Chanukah bush, whether the fights among your siblings rivaled the battles of the Maccabees, or even if you haven’t a clue who the Maccabees were, this little book illustrates the joys, frustrations, and small miracles of the season.
How to Spook a Ghost (Magical Creatures and Crafts #8)
by Sue FliessHalloween is about getting together with friends and family, choosing costumes, and trick-or-treating! Sometimes spooky, always delicious! But would you be brave enough to investigate strange noises? If you are, you may just meet a friendly ghost who only wants to be part of the fun! Be kind and include them in your trick-or-treating adventure and you may make a new friend! They'll be sure to enjoy the thrill of going out on Halloween night. So, grab some supplies—scissors, fabric, markers, and a partner—and get ready to make a costume for the biggest candy event of the year. Sue Fliess&’s bouncy read-aloud rhyming text and Simona Sanfilippo&’s energetic, whimsical illustrations will bring joy to young readers as they cheer on the kids and their new ghost friend. Also included are guides for teachers and parents about how to engage children in costume-making or an easy Halloween puppet craft, while learning about the history of Halloween, pumpkin carving, and the value of friendship and inclusion on this fun day of gathering with friends to dress up and collect treats.
How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign: The Ultimate Horrorscope
by Adèle Lang Susi RajahThe Ultimate HorrorscopeJoin the women around the world whose love lives have been transformed by the astro-guide that pulls no punches when it comes to the dark side of men and their star signs.Use it to... -Deride, ridicule, and annoy the hell out of men - Speed up the dating process by using star sign elimination - Avoid dating complete scum - Keep current boyfriends/husbands in their places - Keep conversation going at dinner parties - And much, much more!Discover who you are destined not to date...A match made in heaven or the relationship from hell? Find out which zodiac couplings are the least likely to result in derision, depression, divorce, or death! - Are you good enough for a LEO? - Can you put up with PISCES? - Will you get along with GEMINI? - Do you have the skills necessary to cope with VIRGO? Put yourself to the test with our 12 compatibility quizzes - each one carefully designed to ensure you know exactly which bastards to avoid in the future.Now men will cringe when you ask them what their star signs are!
How to Start First Grade (Step into Reading)
by Catherine A. Hapka Ellen Titlebaum Ellen VandenbergIt's back to school for Steve! Will his first day of first grade be ruined by the new kid? A hilarious Step 2 reader about self-confidence and friendship!Steve is so excited to start first grade with all his buddies from kindergarten! But then a new kid joins the class, and, boy, is she impressive! Hannah is from Alaska, and she's really cool. Even her show-and-tell is way more exciting than Steve's. But exaggerating to make himself seem cooler just lands Steve in the principal's office. Will he get into worse trouble, or can he maybe make a new friend? This book is a perfect follow-up to How to Start Kindergarten and a great choice for any kid getting ready to go back to school. Emergent readers will see themselves in this very relatable series. And when they're ready, they can read about the zany antics of Steve and his older brother, Will, in How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President (Step 3 books).Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Kindergarten (Step into Reading)
by Catherine A. Hapka Ellen Titlebaum Ellen VandenbergA hilarious Step 2 reader about starting at a new school!David is the new kid at school, and is worried about fitting in. Steve is NOT worried about fitting in, and tells David, "Just do what I do and you will be great!" But when David listens a little too well, Steve has a bona fide copycat on his hands!Join the brothers from How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President for a new adventure...from younger brother Steve's perspective! Zany antics and plot twists will feel relatable and fun in this hilarious reader. Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Your Own Religion: Form a Church, Gain Followers, Become Tax-Exempt, and Sway the Minds of Millions in Five Easy Steps
by Philip AthansYes, world domination and eternal adoration can be yours!"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion."-Attributed to L. Ron Hubbard, founder of ScientologyWouldn't you like to control countless worshippers with a single word? To call forth bountiful offerings of gold and silver? Wouldn't you love to make your acolytes bow in awe of your greatness?Starting a new religion can be fun and profitable. You'll laugh along with Philip Athans (founder, leader, and sole member of the Church of Phil), as he shows you how to:Gather the flock and keep 'em coming back for moreOrganize mysterious and complex ritualsInterrogate (or just ridicule) the hell out of nonbelieversRecruit celebrity spokespeople, from Tom Cruise to Uma Thurman If you've ever felt the need to sacrifice on an altar beneath a blood-red moon, or just make Friday a holy day (three-day weekend, anyone?), this is the only sacred creed you need.Live long and prosper.
How to Stay Bitter Through the Happiest Times of Your Life
by Anita Liberty“I had a lot of bad dates. But I wrote a lot of good poems. ” So maintains Anita Liberty, the caustically funny New York City performance artist who was going along happily healing her hurt by hating and humiliating her detestable ex-boyfriend on stage and in print until the unthinkable happened: she had a good date. And one good date deserves another. And another. And another. And, all of the sudden, Anita Liberty finds herself in a predicament. Getting dumped launched Anita’s career–Will falling...
How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told
by Harrison Scott KeyFrom Harrison Scott Key, winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor, How to Stay Married tells the hilarious, shocking, and spiritually profound story of one man&’s journey through hell and back when infidelity threatens his marriage.One gorgeous autumn day, Harrison discovers that his wife—the sweet, funny, loving mother of their three daughters, a woman &“who&’s spent just about every Sunday of her life in a church&”—is having an affair with a family friend. This revelation propels the hysterical, heartbreaking action of How to Stay Married, casting our narrator onto &“the factory floor of hell,&” where his wife was now in love with a man who &“wears cargo shorts, on purpose.&” What will he do? Kick her out? Set fire to all her panties in the yard? Beat this man to death with a gardening implement? Ask God for help in winning her back? Armed with little but a sense of humor and a hunger for the truth, Harrison embarks on a hellish journey into his past, seeking answers to the riddles of faith and forgiveness. Through an absurd series of escalating confessions and betrayals, Harrison reckons with his failure to love his wife in the ways she needed most, resolves to fight for his family, and in a climax almost too ridiculous to be believed, finally learns that love is no joke. How to Stay Married is a comic romp unlike any in contemporary literature, a wild Pilgrim&’s Progress through the hellscape of marriage and the mysteries of mercy.
How to Stay Single Forever
by Jenny LombardSerious relationships are risky, time-consuming, expensive--and often end up with someone getting hurt. Who needs that? Using these 101 strategies--including talking baby talk in bed, wearing a bathing suit that has a skirt, and being brutally honest--today's independent woman can easily avoid meaningful relationships with aplomb.
How To Steal a Dragon: The perfect read this Halloween! (Villains Academy #2)
by Ryan HammondBeing BAD has never felt so GOOD! The second book in the villainously funny, highly illustrated young middle-grade series from author-illustrator Ryan Hammond. For fans of Amelia Fang, Dog Man and Grimwood. Don&’t miss the third installment, How to Win the Gruesome Games, out in April 2024! &‘A charmingly villainous adventure about friendship, school and unspeakable evil.&’ Louie Stowell, author of Loki: A Bad God&’s Guide to Being Good &‘Criminally fun!&’ Danny Wallace, author of The Day the Screens Went Blank It&’s the start of the winter term and there&’s a new teacher in town at Villains Academy – the notorious dragon-rider Felix Frostbite. Class Z are in awe of him and his lessons on venomous beasts and mythical creatures, but werewolf Bram is suspicious. Soon Bram and his friends the Cereal Killers uncover Felix Frostbite&’s evil plan to steal all the dragons from the Wicked Woods and leave Villains Academy undefended. Have the gang learnt enough to outsmart their troublesome teacher, or will Felix Frostbite&’s heist go down in villain history?PRAISE FOR VILLAINS ACADEMY: &‘Frightfully fun – Villains Academy had me cackling from the very first page!&’ Katie Tsang, co-author of the Dragon Realm series &‘I loved the spookily funny Villains Academy. It's a work of (evil) genius!&’ Jenny McLachlan, author of The Land of Roar &‘Heart-warming and hilarious – Villains Academy is a spookalicious treat, set to terrify every other book on your shelf.&’ Jack Meggitt-Phillips, author of The Beast and the Bethany &‘An absolute HOOT! Evil laughs aplenty!&’ Sophy Henn, author and illustrator of the Pizazz series &‘A joyful hug of a book with genuine warmth and heart.&’ Hannah Gold, author of The Last Bear &‘A delightfully fun adventure with real heart and humour.&’ Benjamin Dean, author of Me, My Dad and the End of the Rainbow &‘Immersive, funny, and with a cast of scarily loveable characters, Villains Academy made me feel like I was IN the book!&’ Mel Taylor-Bessent, author of The Christmas Carrolls &‘A fabulously funny adventure. I want to enrol in Villains Academy!&’ Nick Sheridan, author of The Case of the Runaway Brain &‘Wickedly funny and full of quirky yet loveable characters.&’ Iona Rangeley, author of Einstein the Penguin &‘This is a brilliant, bonkers work packed with top-notch illustration.&’ Jack Noel, author and illustrator of the Comic Classics series &‘Full of wonderful characters, Villains Academy is such a FUN read!&’ Rikin Parekh, illustrator of The Worst Class in the World series
How to Steal a Scoundrel's Heart: A Novel (The Mating Habits of Scoundrels #4)
by Vivienne LorretIn USA Today bestselling author Vivienne Lorret’s latest steamy romance, a determined debutante discovers that making a deal with a notorious rake might just give her more than she ever bargained for… Ruined debutante Prudence Thorogood lost everything when she was ousted from polite society, including her inheritance. Now she’ll do anything to take back what’s hers… even if she has to steal it. Accepting a scandalous offer from Lord Savage seems like the perfect solution to disguise her criminal intentions from the ton. Until she discovers that there’s more to this scoundrel than meets the eye.Leo Ramsgate, Marquess of Savage, has everything except for a heart. That organ dried up long ago after a devastating betrayal. Since then, he vowed never to trust or love again. He ensures that his dalliances are mutually satisfying, but always temporary… until he meets the reserved Miss Thorogood. Not one of his previous lovers has ever beguiled him the way she does. Not one has made him want to break his own rules. Not one has tempted him to keep her… forever. Prue has every intention of disappearing from London after their affair ends. But her plan falters when she finds herself falling hopelessly in love with a man who may never love her in return. With time running out and so much at stake, she cannot help but wonder… How to Steal a Scoundrel’s Heart?
How to Steal the Mona Lisa
by Taylor BayouthA step-by-step guide for the craft of high stakes thievery In How to Steal the Mona Lisa, author Taylor Bayouth meticulously describes seven heists of priceless art and artifacts: the Hope Diamond, the "Mona Lisa," the Archaeopteryx Lithographica, Rodin's "Thinker," King Tut's golden death mask, the Crown Jewels, and the Codex Leicester. With this trusty guide, learn to: - Camouflage a getaway car. - Hack security systems. - Navigate air ducts. - Master the art of disguise. - Pick locks, scale buildings, and more. Illustrated throughout, this book contains all the information you need to acquire equipment, recruit partners, strategize the perfect crime, and discreetly sell off your stolen national treasures.From the Trade Paperback edition.
How to Stop a Viking Invasion (Max and Molly's Guide to Trouble #4)
by Dominic BarkerIn this Guide to Trouble, Max and Molly will show you, clever reader:1. How to spot a VIKING even when he is in disguise2. How to chase a VIKING even when he is riding a motorbike3. How to accidentally-also-at-the-same-time stop a REAL-LIFE VIKING INVASION!
How to Stop Loving Someone
by Joan ConnorWinner of the 2010 Leapfrog Fiction Contest. "Excellent and lively. A sharp wit, the apt metaphor, the turn of phrase that pleases and surprises."--Marge Piercy, contest judge "Bright, brassy, spunky, intelligent. Ingenious writing. . . . Quirky and filled with metaphoric twists that often startle."--Michael Mirolla, contest judge "Smart, funny, biting, and, above all, touching. A collection to savor over and over."--Michael White, author of Beautiful Assassin Praise for Joan Connor's previous collections: "Brilliantly quirky wit and wordplay."--Syndey Lea, author of A Little Wilderness "A deeply talented writer."--Alyce Miller, author of Water "Candor, bracing wit, and skewering insight that could kill if she let it."--Rosellen Brown, author of Half a Heart Joan Connor's collection investigates love and loss, sex, family, and the ways they echo back through memory, sometimes to comfort and sometimes to bite. Some comic, some dark, the stories range from lyrical to laugh-out-loud funny. The title story is a mock self-help manual on how to fall out of love. "Men in Brown" is a rollicking account of a woman infatuated with her UPS man. "Aground" is a dark account of male lust and violence on a lonely island in Maine. Joan Connor is a professor at Ohio University and at Fairfield University's low residency MFA program. She received the AWP award for her collection History Lessons, and the River Teeth Literary Nonfiction Prize for The World Before Mirrors. Her two earlier collections are We Who Live Apart and Here on Old Route 7.
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Crying
by Carol LeiferFor many years, television comedy was an exclusive all boys' club--until a brilliant comedian named Carol Leifer came along, blazing a trail for funny women everywhere. From Late Night with David Letterman and Saturday Night Live to Seinfeld, The Ellen Show, and Modern Family, Carol has written for and/or performed on some of the best TV comedies of all time. This hilarious collection of essays charts her extraordinary three-decade journey through show business, illuminating her many triumphs and some missteps along the way--and offering valuable lessons for women and men in any profession. Part memoir, part guide to life, and all incredibly funny, How to Succeed in Business without Really Crying offers tips and tricks for getting ahead, finding your way, and opening locked doors--even if you have to use a sledgehammer.
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
by Stanley Bing Shepherd MeadFrom this classic tome, learn everything you need to know to land the corner office: · How to make money · How to make more money · How to choose the right company (one big enough so that nobody knows exactly what anyone else is doing) · How to cultivate the appearance of extreme busyness through strategic desk management · How to delegate responsibility (have plenty of assistants!) First published in 1952, this guide inspired the beloved Pulitzer Prize-winning musical, which returns to Broadway in 2011 in a production that stars Daniel Radcliffe and John Larroquette. Updated with a brilliant new introduction by the king of business satire, Stanley Bing, How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying is essential reading for the ambitious and the lazy alike.
How to Success!: A Writer's Guide to Fame and Fortune
by Corinne CaputoThis parody self-help book for writers is filled with hilariously misguided tips, factual-looking charts, and other advice that knowingly pokes fun at writerly foibles while still cheering would-be authors on. With this book, struggling writers can find suggestions for effective paragraph shapes, tips on where to find inspiration (in your reflection, in the shapes of gum stuck to the ground, in a consultation with your doctor), thoughtful poses for author photos, pull-out procrastination excuses, and much more. How to Success! is filled with enough almost-helpful advice to keep aspiring writers amused, unblocked, and on their way to literary fame.
How to Surprise a Dad (How To Series)
by Lee Wildish Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers HOW TO BABYSIT A GRANDPA and HOW TO BABYSIT A GRANDMA comes a charming new how-to book about surprising dear old Dad! So you want to surprise your dad? You're in luck! The pages of this book are full of tips on how to become a super dad surpriser, including tips for things you can make, do, or find--just for your dad. Be sure to read up on: · Yummy treats and presents for a dad · What to do if he starts getting suspicious · How to prepare for the big moment (where to hide everyone, and how to practice whispering "Surprise!") From the author-illustrator team behind the New York Times bestsellers How to Babysit a Grandpa and How to Babysit a Grandma comes an adorable, funny, surprising celebration of dads!From the Hardcover edition.
How to Surprise a Dad: Read & Listen Edition (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers HOW TO BABYSIT A GRANDPA and HOW TO BABYSIT A GRANDMA comes a charming new how-to book about surprising dear old Dad! So you want to surprise your dad? You&’re in luck! The pages of this book are full of tips on how to become a super dad surpriser, including tips for things you can make, do, or find—just for your dad. Be sure to read up on: · Yummy treats and presents for a dad · What to do if he starts getting suspicious · How to prepare for the big moment (where to hide everyone, and how to practice whispering &“Surprise!&”) From the author-illustrator team behind the New York Times bestsellers How to Babysit a Grandpa and How to Babysit a Grandma comes an adorable, funny, surprising celebration of dads! This Read & Listen edition contains audio narration.
How to Survive 40
by Clive Whichelow Mike HaskinsBrace yourself… 40 is approaching! Once your thirties are behind you, there are no excuses left – you’re indisputably ‘experienced’, certifiably ‘mature’. But don’t trade that margarita for a mug of cocoa just yet, because there’s plenty more fun to be had. This cheerful little book, full of tongue-in-cheek advice, will help keep your mojo working for many years to come!
How to Survive 40
by Clive Whichelow Mike HaskinsBrace yourself… 40 is approaching! Once your thirties are behind you, there are no excuses left – you’re indisputably ‘experienced’, certifiably ‘mature’. But don’t trade that margarita for a mug of cocoa just yet, because there’s plenty more fun to be had. This cheerful little book, full of tongue-in-cheek advice, will help keep your mojo working for many years to come!
How to Survive 50
by Clive Whichelow Mike HaskinsBrace yourself… 50 is approaching! There’s no denying it – you’ve officially got ‘a few years’ under your belt (and possibly a few extra notches on it). But don’t trade your party gear for a pair of slippers just yet, because there’s plenty more fun to be had. This cheerful little book, full of tongue-in-cheek advice, will help you carry on strutting your stuff for many years to come!