- Table View
- List View
If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: A Treasury (If You Give...)
by Laura Joffe NumeroffIf a hungry little traveler shows up at your house, you might want to give him a cookie. If you give him a cookie, he's going to ask for a glass of milk. He'll want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn't have a milk mustache, and then he'll ask for a pair of scissors to give himself a trim....The consequences of giving a cookie to this energetic mouse run the young host ragged, but young readers will come away smiling at the antics that tumble like dominoes through the pages of this delightful picture book.
If You Give a Mouse an iPhone: A Cautionary Tail
by Ann DroydThe perfect gift for parents everywhere, from the New York Times bestselling author of Goodnight iPad. The parody of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie that every parent will relate to. If you give in to temptation and give a bored little mouse your iPhone, even for ten minutes, he&’s probably going to beam to some faraway place beyond time, space, and the sound of your pleading voice. And if he&’s that far gone, he won&’t have any idea what&’s going on around him, and he might end up missing out on all the real fun. From the New York Times-bestselling author of Goodnight iPad comes a delightful new commentary on the perils of our tech-obsessed lives and a fully charged romp for readers of all ages.
If You Give a Pig a Pancake (If You Give...)
by Laura NumeroffIf you give a pig a pancake, she'll want some syrup to go with it. You'll give her some of your favorite maple syrup, and she'll probably get all sticky, so she'll want to take a bath. She'll ask you for some bubbles. When you give her the bubbles...Readers will delight in the story of an accommodating little girl who tries to keep up with the whims of a busy little pig. Fans of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie will love this perfect addition to the series!The If You Give... series is a perennial favorite among children. With its spare, rhythmic text and circular tale, these books are perfect for beginning readers and story time. Sure to inspire giggles and requests to "read it again!"Other favorites in Laura Numeroff and Felicia Bond's bestselling series include:If You Give a Cat a CupcakeIf You Give a Dog a DonutIf You Give a Moose a MuffinIf You Give a Mouse a CookieIf You Give a Pig a Party
If You Give a Pig the White House: A Parody for Adults
by Faye KanouseA coiffed and blustery pig has shoved his way into the White House! A cleverly worded and illustrated picture book, this is the adult parody of the beloved children’s cautionary tale, If You Give a Pig a Pancake. Watch in dismay as the presidential pig gets into trouble, binges on too much Fox News and fast food, and cavalierly threatens national security. If You Give a Pig the White House both lovingly caricatures the original children's book series and shows just what can happen when a greedy anti-hero tracks his hooves all over America.
If You Had a Jetpack
by Lisl H. DetlefsenA fun and creative answer to the question "what would YOU do if you had a jetpack?" perfect for fans of Boy and Bot and How to Train a Train.Having a jetpack is fun--if you know what to do with one. If you had a jetpack, you could:Teach your brother how to build one too.Demonstrate its usefulness at Show and Share Time at school.Give your principal a ride home.Fly south to visit your nana.Visit the astronauts on the space station and help with anything that needed fixing.Join one inventive little rabbit as he and his brother put their new jetpack to good use!"An energetic, crowd-pleasing read-aloud that can be revisited again and again."--SLJ"This vivid picture book will leave kids longing for jetpacks, while taking off on their own flights of fancy."--Booklist
If You Happen to Have a Dinosaur
by Linda BaileyA tongue-in-cheek look at the practical uses of dinosaurs by a dynamic author/illustrator team. If you happen to have a dinosaur, lying around your living room, and you don't know what to do with it ... why don't you use it as a can opener? It will make a terrific nutcracker too! There are oodles of uses for a dinosaur -- from a fine umbrella to an excellent kite and a dandy pillow, not to mention a reliable burglar alarm and the perfect excuse to forget your homework. This delightfully absurd exploration of the domestic uses of dinosaurs -- and the things dinos just aren't good for at all -- is guaranteed to tickle funny bones and spark imaginations. If you read carefully, you'll learn how to make your dinosaur last a very long time.
If You Just Say Yes
by Reon LaudatManhattan journalist Michelle Michaels just can't seem to get a break when she finds herself the subject of false rumors. Now she's being blindsided by her own boss. Wrongly suspecting her of trading sex for scoops, he's caved in to the shady newsroom gossip and sent Michelle quietly packing on a leave of absence to her hometown of Detroit where some family secrets still lurk. With a career on the DL and a love life at low-ebb, Michelle's hit rock bottom-until she meets dark, dimpled, and delicious Wesley Abbott...Detroit reporter Wesley Abbott's plate is full investigating a corrupt local judge. Now he's got something else to investigate-and she's the sweetest thing to sashay into the Herald in years. But Michelle and Wesley have more in common than they ever imagined, and it's not just mellow vibes. In fact, it's a scandal! And when these two bodies bump, so does trouble-with a capital T...
If You Lean In, Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?: Questions and Thoughts for Loud, Smart Women in Turbulent Times
by Gina BarrecaGina Barreca is fed up with women who lean in, but don't open their mouths. In her latest collection of essays, she turns her attention to subjects like bondage which she notes now seems to come in fifty shades of grey and has been renamed Spanx. She muses on those lessons learned in Kindergarten that every woman must unlearn like not having to hold the hand of the person you're waking next to (especially if he's a bad boyfriend) or needing to have milk, cookies and a nap every day at 3:00 PM (which tends to sap one's energy not to mention what it does to one's waistline). She sounds off about all those things a woman hates to hear from a man like "Calm down" or "Next time, try buying shoes that fit". "'If You Lean In, Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?'" is about getting loud, getting love, getting ahead and getting the first draw (or the last shot). Here are tips, lessons and bold confessions about bad boyfriends at any age, about friends we love and ones we can't stand anymore, about waist size and wasted time, about panic, placebos, placentas and certain kinds of not-so adorable paternalism attached to certain kinds of politicians. The world is kept lively by loud women talking and "'If You Lean In, Will Men Just Look Down Your Blouse?'" cheers and challenges those voices to come together and speak up. You think she's kidding? Oh, boy, do you have another thing coming.
If You Lived Here You'd Already be Home: Stories
by John JodzioJohn Jodzio, whose recent breakout collection Knockout was hailed by the New York Times Book Review (every story inventive and a pleasure to read) and NPR (€œHes a compassionate writer who is refreshingly unafraid to take risks, and his book is, well, a knockout), returns with this expanded and updated edition of his cult classic. Jodzio has been lauded for his writing that delicately walks the line between the pain and humor of human experience, the small truths that are exposed through ludicrous situations, and the captivating characters that must navigate them.
If You Lived Here You'd Be Famous by Now: True Stories from Calabasas
by Via BleidnerIf You Lived Here You'd Be Famous by Now is an insider’s collection of funny and warmhearted stories about coming of age in the Los Angeles suburb famed for birthing the Kardashian-Jenners and the Bling RingFor Via Bleidner, transferring to Calabasas High from the private Catholic school she’s attended since second grade is a culture shock, not to mention absolutely lonely. Suddenly thrust into an unfamiliar world of celebrities, affluenza, and McMansions, Via takes a page from Cameron Crowe and pretends she’s on a journalism assignment, taking notes on her classmates and jotting down bits of overheard gossip.Getting through high school in Calabasas is something else—from Kim Kardashian endorsing the students’ favorite hidden lunch spot, to the theater program hiring a famous dog to play Elle Woods' Chihuahua in its production of Legally Blonde, and Kanye trying to take control of your school to make it the very first YEEZY institution.But instead of floating through high school detached from her peers, Via finds that putting herself out there—for her writing, of course—just might have been exactly what she needed. She unexpectedly finds an eclectic group of friends to call her own, including a multi-multi-millionaire, a wild-card throwback intent on going viral, a former Disney actor, and a doughnut-dealing madman.With wit, candor, and sharp observations, twenty-one-year-old Via grounds the surreal glamour of Calabasas with reflections on her own coming-of-age, sharing her teenage misadventures as she struggles to fit in, faces crushing social pressure, and eventually makes her own way.
If You Love It, Let It Kill You: A Novel
by Hannah PittardRecommended Summer Reading according to The New York Times, Elle, Zibby Owens, and the Minnesota Star Tribune“A dishy work of autofiction that everyone will be talking about.”—The New York TimesA refreshingly irreverent novel about art, desire, domesticity, freedom, and the intricacies of the twenty-first-century female experience, from the acclaimed writer Hannah PittardA novelist learns that an unflattering version of herself will appear prominently—and soon—in her ex-husband’s debut novel. For a week, her life continues largely unaffected by the news—she cooks, runs, teaches, entertains—but the morning after baking mac ’n’ cheese from scratch for her nephew’s sixth birthday, she wakes up changed. The contentment she’s long enjoyed is gone. In its place: nothing. A remarkably ridiculous midlife crisis ensues, featuring a talking cat and a game called Dead Body.Steeped in the strangeness of contemporary life and suggestive of expansive metaphoric possibilities, If You Love It, Let It Kill You is a deeply nuanced and disturbingly funny examination of memory, ownership, and artistic expression.
If You Love Something
by Jayce Ellis"A lovingly drawn depiction of Black family dynamics." —Publishers Weekly on Learned ReactionsA marriage lost is found again in this cheeky new romantic comedy from acclaimed author Jayce Ellis. As executive chef at one of the hottest restaurants in DC, DeShawn Franklin has almost everything he&’s ever wanted. He&’s well-known, his restaurant is Michelin starred and he can write his own ticket anywhere he wants. Until his grandmother calls him home and drops two bombshells:1) She has cancer and she&’s not seeking treatment.2) She&’s willing half her estate to DeShawn&’s ex-husband, Malik.Make that three bombshells. 3) That whole divorce thing? It didn&’t quite go through. DeShawn and Malik are still married.And when DeShawn&’s shady uncle contests Grandma&’s will, there&’s only one path back to justice: play it like he and Malik have reconciled. They need to act like a married couple just long enough to dispense with the lawsuit.Once DeShawn is back in Malik&’s orbit, it&’s not hard to remember why they parted. All the reasons he walked away remain—but so do all the reasons he fell in love in the first place.Carina Adores is home to highly romantic contemporary love stories where LGBTQ+ characters find their happily-ever-afters. Discover a new Carina Adores book every month!
If You Never Come Back
by Sarah SmithI hate Valentine’s Day for one reason and one reason only: Wes Paulsen.He came into my life like a wrecking ball one year ago today. After an incredible night together, we were inseparable for months. I’d never been happier in a relationship—neither had he. We were just starting to build a life together when everything changed...Turns out Wes was hiding things from me—big things. I wanted to work through it, but he walked out, never giving me—never giving us a chance. I didn’t know how I’d be able to get over him, but I threw myself into my art. After months of working nonstop to escape the memories of Wes, my career’s finally taking off and what do you know—Wes walked back into my life. Once again on Valentine’s Day.One year to the day that we met.I’ve spent six months hardening my heart. It should be easy to reject him, to tell him I’ve moved on. But he’s doing everything—and more—to win me back. He’s being the boyfriend I’ve always wanted. It’ll take everything in me to resist him—I’m not even sure if I can. But I’ll sure as hell try.
If You Take a Mouse to School (If You Give...)
by Laura NumeroffMouse goes to school in this picture book in the beloved #1 New York Times bestselling If You Give... series!If you take a mouse to school, he'll ask you for your lunch box. When you give him your lunch box, he'll want a sandwich to go in it. Then he'll need a notebook and some pencils. He'll probably want to share your backpack, too.The famous mouse from If You Take a Mouse to the Movies and If You Give a Mouse a Cookie is back for his first day of school. Only Laura Numeroff and Felicia Bond could make school this much fun!A perfect addition to the classic and beloved series—be sure to collect them all!
If You Take a Mouse to the Movies (If You Give...)
by Laura NumeroffMouse celebrates the holidays in this picture book in the beloved #1 New York Times bestselling If You Give... series!If you take a mouse to the movies, he'll ask you for some popcorn. If you give him the popcorn, he'll want to string it all together. Then he'll want to hang it on a Christmas tree.The famous little mouse from If You Give a Mouse a Cookie that has delighted millions of readers is back in an irresistible tale full of holiday antics. Collect all the books in this giggle-inspiring classic series!
If You Want to Knit Some Mittens
by Laura Purdie SalasIn this humorous picture book, a girl's desire to knit mittens leads to something even better: the warmth of friendship.How do you knit a pair of mittens? The first step is to get a sheep of course! In this playful story, a girl follows 18 steps to knit mittens--from bringing home a sheep to carding, spinning, and dyeing the wool to knitting the mittens. But along the way, her mischievous sheep creates chaos and wins her heart. By wintertime, the girl has sunny-yellow mittens, the sheep has a sunny-yellow hat, and together they're ready for adventure. This tale of patience, creativity, and friendship is knitted from skeins of humor and love.
If You Were Here
by Jen LancasterAmish-zombie-teen-romance author Mia and her husband Mac buy and renovate their first home in the Chicago suburbs that John Hughes' movies made famous. Along their harrowing renovation journey, they get caught up in various wars with the homeowners' association, meet some less-than-friendly neighbors, and are joined by a hilarious cast of supporting characters.
If You Were a Chocolate Mustache
by J. Patrick Lewis Matthew CordellIn this tasty collection, J. Patrick Lewis displays the breadth and depth of his talent, giving readers of any and every sensibility something to make them laugh out loud. He stirs humor into an astonishing array of subjects--from animals to school to dragons to food. And he delivers them in a remarkable variety of forms, including riddles, limericks, nonsense rhymes, parodies, anagrams, story poems, haiku, and more. <P><P>Baked in Lewis's brilliant imagination and sprinkled with Matthew Cordell's warm, witty drawings, the result is a collection to delight the taste buds.
If You're A Monster And You Know It
by Ed Emberley Rebecca EmberleyA brand-new monster twist on a classic song by Caldecott Medalist Ed Emberley and his daughter, Rebecca Emberley.Children will stomp their paws, twitch their tails, snort and growl, and wiggle and wriggle along with this bright and bold picture book twist on "If You're Happy and You Know It." Rebecca Emberley has written a rollicking text, which she has illustrated in collaboration with her father, Caldecott Medalist Ed Emberley. Includes a fun sing-along song by Adrienne Emberley which can be downloaded at www.scholstic.com/ifyouramonsterandyouknowit
If You're Seeing This, It's Meant for You: A Novel
by Leigh SteinFates collide after a tarot influencer disappears from a decaying Hollywood mansion in this unnerving gothic mystery and &“incisive social satire&” (Town & Country) from the acclaimed author of Self Care.&“Leigh Stein&’s work provokes you like the most unsettling clip you&’ve ever seen on a screen—and you won&’t be able to look away.&”—Julia Phillips, bestselling author of BearAfter her boyfriend dumps her in a Reddit post, unemployed thirty-nine-year-old Dayna accepts an unusual opportunity from a man she stopped speaking to twenty years ago: If Dayna can help Craig transform his crumbling mansion into a successful hype house of influencers, he can restore his birthright to its former glory, and she can bring her career back from the dead.But missing from the mansion is Becca, an enigmatic tarot card reader who built a rabid fandom with her cryptic, soul-touching videos . . . and then vanished. With nineteen-year-old Olivia, the newest member of the hype house (and one of Becca&’s biggest fans), Dayna begins to build a social media campaign around Becca&’s disappearance that will catapult the creators to new heights of success. Too bad Craig forbids Dayna from pursuing the mystery at its heart.As Olivia searches for traces of Becca in a labyrinthine house that seems intent on hiding its secrets, and Dayna becomes entangled with both Craig and Jake, the resident heartthrob and the last person to see Becca, the two women make a shocking discovery that will upend everything.The internet: You may think you&’re inhabiting it, but is it really inhabiting you?
If You, Then Me
by Yvonne WoonWarm and funny, this coming-of-age romcom from teen author Yvonne Woon is set in Silicon Valley and delves into the questions we all ask when making mistakes—in life and in love—perfect for fans of Emergency Contact and When Dimple Met Rishi. <p><p> What would you ask your future self? First question: What does it feel like to kiss someone?Xia is stuck in a lonely, boring loop. Her only escapes are Wiser, an artificial intelligence app she designed to answer questions as her future self, and a mysterious online crush she knows only as ObjectPermanence. <p><p> Until one day Xia enrolls at the Foundry, an app incubator for tech prodigies in Silicon Valley, and suddenly anything is possible. Flirting with Mast, a classmate also working on AI, leads to a date. Speaking up generates a vindictive nemesis intent on publicly humiliating her. And running into Mitzy Erst, Foundry alumna and Xia’s idol, could give Xia all the answers. <p><p> And then Xia receives a shocking message from ObjectPermanence. He is at the Foundry, too. Xia is torn between Mast and ObjectPermanence—just as Mitzy pushes her towards a shiny new future. Xia doesn’t have to ask Wiser to know: The right choice could transform her into the future self of her dreams, but the wrong one could destroy her.
If You’d Just Let Me Finish
by Jeremy ClarksonClarkson is back with a brand new book of hilarious stories and observations about our gone-wrong world. ___________In November 2016 we woke up to the news that the forthright presenter of a popular television programme had become the most powerful man on the planet. His name, sadly, was not Jeremy Clarkson, but we might not have been any more surprised if it had been.Because the world seems to have taken a decidedly odd turn since Jeremy last reflected on the state of things between the covers of a book. But who better than JC to help us navigate our way through the mess?And while he's being trying to make sense of it all he's discovered one or two things along the way, including- The disabling effects of being vegan- How Blackpool might be improved by drilling a hole through it- The problem with meditation- A perfect location for rebuilding Palmyra- Why Tom Cruise can worship lizards if he wants toIt's all been a bit unsettling.But don't worry. If You'd Just Let Me Finish is Clarkson at his best. He may be as bemused, exasperated, amused and surprised as the rest of us, but in a world gone crazy, thank God someone has still got his head screwed on ...Praise for Clarkson:'Brilliant...laugh-out-loud' - Daily Telegraph'Outrageously funny...will have you in stiches' - Time Out'Very funny...I cracked up laughing on the tube' - Evening Standard
If a Pickle Could Talk
by M. J. McGovernAnnie looked up from her homework. Her younger brother Petey was sitting at the opposite end of the kitchen table, talking to a jar of pickles.
If the Gods Had Meant Us to Vote They Would Have Given Us Candidates: More Political Subversion from Jim Hightower (Revised Edition)
by Jim HightowerIf anything, in this presidential election special, he's madder than ever!In his earlier bestseller, There's Nothing in the Middle of the Road but Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos, Hightower only began to tap into the deep yearning that Americans have for a new politics that speaks to them from a real-world, kitchen-table perspective. Now, with the year 2000 being an especially significant marker for contemplating our country's direction, not only for the new year but for the new century and the new millennium, it's time for citizens to reclaim their political, economic, and cultural heritage.Leading the way with his hilariously irreverent yet profoundly serious book is our name-naming, podium-pounding, point-them-in-the-right-direction populist, Hightower himself. He whacks conventional wisdom right upside the head,showing,with startling facts and compelling personal stories, that despite a so-called period of prosperity, America's middle class is getting mugged, and that far from being ordained by the gods,globalization is globaloney! Hightower rips the mass off of the candidates, the parties, the consultants, and especially the moneyed powers whoa re supporting all of the leading presidential hopefuls. he's mad about them all--but what he's maddest about, what really gets his goat,is that they are all the same! To paraphrase Jim, American politicians are alike because they don't come cheap. In fact, they're all very expansive. which is why only the rich can own them and why their allegiance is definitely not to regular,worka-day citizens.No one is spared in this insightful and engaging blend of horror and success stories, hard-hitting commentary, laugh-out-loud humor, useful facts, and sparkling language. An equal opportunity muckraker and conscientious agitator for "We the people," Hightower inspires us to take charge again, to build a new politics, and, together, to build a better tomorrow. Jim Hightower's If the Gods Had Meant Us to Vote They Would Have Given Us Candidates proves yet again that his is a uniquely wise and peerlessly singular voice in the maelstrom of political prattle.
If the Raindrops United: Drawings and Cartoons
by Judah FriedlanderA book of hilarious and ingenious comic drawings from the popular 30 Rock star and "World Champion" comedian Judah Friedlander, hailed by Tina Fey as "one of the all-time great weirdos." Most Americans know Judah Friedlander from his role as Frank Rossitano on 30 Rock and from appearances in films like American Splendor and The Wrestler. But long before he became a film and TV star and stand-up comic Friedlander drew stuff. Now, in this quirky, hilarious, and surprisingly profound collection of drawings, Friedlander shows a new side to his "terrifically entertaining" (New York Times) comedy. Whether imagining George Washington in Las Vegas, plastic surgery for imperfect triangles, and the Keystone Pipeline as a sex act, Friedlander's "Joodles" push boundaries as they explore the absurdities of American life, sex, and even history and human rights. If the Raindrops United is a milestone in the career of one of America's most inventive comedians.Praise for If the Raindrops United:"Judah has drawn a weird and funny book in the grand '70s tradition of B. Kliban! I think this book will probably fix the world."--Tina Fey"Some people meditate. Some people masturbate. But if you don't have the time or patience for either of those, I recommend reading If the Raindrops United to calm down, have a little laugh, or a big think."--Susan Sarandon"I've known Judah for many years and I still don't understand how his mind works, but it sure works. Seriously strange. Seriously funny. A National Treasure. Sadly, I need to get a restraining order against him."--Paul Giamatti"Judah thank you for writing a funny twisted book. It is such an easy read. Even dum dums like me can enjoy it!!! Buy this book."--Dave Attell"Judah's drawings are deceptively simple, yet they become more compelling with every page. His talent as an actor/writer/comedian is further conveyed in ANOTHER medium. He's a Quadruple Threat. He wears many hats. Literally."--Janeane Garofalo"Reading Judah Friedlander's new book is a lot like hanging out with Judah himself: occasionally baffling, frequently thought-provoking, but, most of all, consistently hilarious!"--Mick Foley"To compare Judah Friedlander to a great cartoonist like Jim Davis would be a compliment to Jim Davis."--Wyatt Cenac"Another hit from The World Champ tackling the signs and symbols you frequently question while dropping hot lava in your American Standard VorMax."--Eddie Huang