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The 267 Stupidest Things Democrats/Republicans Ever Said
by Ted RueterA hilarious bipartisan collection of rants, malapropisms, doublespeak, and just plain idiocy from lifelong politicians and Washington wannabes. Whether it's a Republican mayor on crime -- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe (Frank Rizzo) -- or his Democratic counterpart on the same subject -- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" (Marion Barry) -- political discourse is often off-course, not to mention unintentionally hilarious.Wickedly funny when read from either direction, this book presents both Republican stupidity ("Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from vegetation"-- Ronald Reagan) and matching head-slappers from Democrats ("For those who died [in the San Francisco earthquake], their lives will never be the same again" -- Barbara Boxer).The 267 Stupidest Things . . is the perfect antidote to election-year bombast.
The 2½ Pillars Of Wisdom
by Alexander McCall SmithAlexander McCall Smith, best-selling author of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, has turned his hand to humour. The delightful result is a creation of comic genius. For in the unnaturally tall form of Professor Doctor Moritz-Maria von Igelfeld, we are invited to meet a memorable character whose sublime insouciance is a blend of the cultivated pomposity of Frasier Crane and of Inspecteur Clouseau's hapless gaucherie.Von Igelfeld inhabits the rarefied world of the Institute of Romance Philology at Regensburg, a world he shares with his equally tall and equally ridiculous colleagues, Professors Florianus Prinzel and Detlev Amadeus Unterholzer. Their unlikely adventures are described in three deliciously funny instalments: Portuguese Irregular Verbs, The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs and At the Villa of Reduced Circumstances.
The 50 Funniest American Writers
by Andy BorowitzEver wondered who makes a very funny person laugh? Wonder no more. Brought together in this Library of America collection are America's fifty funniest writers--according to acclaimed writer and comedian Andy Borowitz. Reaching back to Mark Twain and forward to contemporary masters such as David Sedaris, Nora Ephron, Roy Blount Jr., Ian Frazier, Bernie Mac, Wanda Sykes, and George Saunders, The 50 Funniest American Writers* is an exclusive Who's Who of the very best American comic writing. Here are Thurber and Perelman, Lenny Bruce and Bruce Jay Friedman, Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, and Veronica Geng, plus hilarious lesser-known pieces from The New Yorker, Esquire, The Atlantic, National Lampoon, and The Onion. Who does "one of the funniest people in America" (CBS Sunday Morning) read when he needs a laugh?
The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins
by Dr SeussEach time Bartholomew Cubbins attempts to obey the King's order to take off his hat, he finds there is another one on his head.
The 5th Witch
by Graham Masterton&“Black magic, mobsters and evil witches hold La La Land hostage, making Masterton&’s latest batch of chills and chuckles scarier than a writers&’ strike.&” —Publishers Weekly From Graham Masterton, the bestselling author of the Katie Maguire series, comes an unputdownable story of a deadly alliance between LA gangsters and terrifying witches . . . A ruthless new crime syndicate holds Los Angeles in a grip of terror. Anyone who opposes it suffers a horrible death . . . but not at human hands. Bizarre accidents, sudden illnesses, inexplicable and gruesome deaths: the mobsters will stop at nothing to eliminate their enemies. Every bloody step of the way, their companions are four mysterious women, witches who wield more power than the gangsters could ever dream of. With the help of his mysteriously gifted neighbor, Annie Conjure, Detective Dan Fisher must fight both the LAPD&’s skepticism and this chilling new power. And at the heart of the nightmare lies the final puzzle, the secret of . . . The 5th Witch. For readers of Angela Clarke, Peter James and Stephen King, this gripping novel from the legendary Graham Masterton will leave you reeling. Praise for the writing of Graham Masterton &“The living inheritor to the realm of Edgar Allan Poe.&” —San Francisco Chronicle &“Masterton is a crowd-pleaser, filling his pages with sparky, appealing dialogue and visceral gore.&” —Time Out &“One of the most original and frightening storytellers of our time.&” —Peter James, #1 bestselling author of Dead Simple &“A true master of the horror genre.&” —James Herbert, bestselling author of The Rats
The 65-Story Treehouse: Time Travel Trouble! (The Treehouse Books #5)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonBefore they can go up, they have to go back—travel through time with Andy and Terry as they attempt to save the treehouse! New York Times bestselling author Andy Griffiths invites readers to come hang out with him and his friend Terry in their 65-Story Treehouse - the fifth book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor! Andy and Terry live in a 65-Story Treehouse. (It used to be 52 stories, but they keep expanding.) It has a pet-grooming salon, a birthday room where it's always your birthday (even when it's not), a room full of exploding eyeballs, a lollipop shop, a quicksand pit, an ant farm, and a time machine ... which is going to be really, really useful now, since Terry messed up (again) and the treehouse just FAILED it's safety inspection. Join Andy and Terry on a whirlwind trip through time as they try to stop the treehouse from being demolished!
The 6th Grade Nickname Game
by Gordon KormanBest friends Jeff and Wiley are legends. There is practically no one in their school who hasn't been nicknamed by the duo. They've dubbed their own underachieving class "The Dim Bulbs"; their pop-eyed principal is better known as "Deer in Headlights"; and their enormous new English teacher, Mr. Hughes, is "Mr. Huge."But now some of the nicknames that Jeff and Wiley have invented are backfiring on them. Will the nicknamers be able to get it together before it's too late?*A New York Public Library Best Book for Reading and Sharing*A Bank Street Best Book of the Year* "A fast-paced novel with lots of laughs . . ." -School Library Journal (starred review)"Captures the ambience of sixth grade with humor and empathy." -Booklist"Korman is at his amusing best here. . . ." -The Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books
The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
by Ross Petras Kathryn PetrasA connoisseur's compendium of Freudian slips, spoonerisms, double-talk, and utter bosh from famous and infamous figures past and present -- a complete course in anti-eloquence by the foot-in-mouth champions of all time.
The 78-Story Treehouse: Moo-vie Madness! (The Treehouse Books #6)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonNew York Times bestselling author Andy Griffiths invites readers to come hang out with him and his friend Terry in their 78-Story Treehouse—the sixth book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor! Andy and Terry live in a 78-story treehouse. (It used to be a 65-story treehouse, but they just keep building more levels!) It has a drive-thru car wash, a courtroom with a robot judge called Edward Gavelhead, a scribbletorium, a combining machine, an ALL-BALL sports stadium, a high-security potato chip storage facility, and an open-air movie theatre with a super-giant screen . . . which is a very useful thing to have now that Terry’s going to be a big-shot movie star! After Andy gets cut out of the movie, he and Terry have a big fight and decide they don’t want to be best friends anymore. But with a herd of sneaky spy cows out to steal all their story ideas, can Andy and Terry make up before it’s too late?
The 91-Story Treehouse (The Treehouse Books #7)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonNew York Times-bestselling team Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton invite readers to come hang out with them in their 91-Story Treehouse—the seventh book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor!Andy and Terry live in a 91-story treehouse. (It used to be a 78-story treehouse, but they keep getting ideas for new stories!) It has a submarine sandwich shop that serves sandwiches the size of actual submarines, an air-traffic control tower, a human pinball machine, a spin-and-win prize wheel, a giant spider web—with a giant spider!— and a big red button, which they’re not sure whether to push or not because they can’t remember what it does. Good thing there’s so many fun things to do in the treehouse, because Andy and Terry get stuck babysitting Mr. Big Nose’s three grandchildren for the day. After all, how much trouble could they possibly get into in just one day?
The 99 Boyfriends of Micah Summers
by Adam SassA charming YA rom-com perfect for fans of Red, White, and Royal Blue and What If It&’s Us. Micah Summers runs a popular Instagram full of drawings of his numerous imaginary boyfriends (ninety-nine so far)—though he's never had a real boyfriend before. But when a meet-cute with Boy 100 goes wrong, Micah embarks on a Prince Charming-like quest throughout Chicago to find true love—for real this time.Will Boy 100 be the One? Micah is rich, dreamy, and charming. As the &“Prince of Chicago,&”—the son of local celebrity sports radio host known as the King of Chicago—he has everything going for him. Unfortunately, he&’s also the prince of imaginary meet-cutes, since he&’s too nervous to actually ask boys out. Instead, Micah draws each crush to share on Instagram with a post about their imaginary dates. Ninety-nine &“boyfriends&” later, his account is hugely popular, and everyone is eagerly awaiting Boy 100. So is Micah. He&’s determined that Boy 100 will be different. This time, Micah will sweep the boy off his feet, for real! So when Micah flirts with a hot boy on the L who&’s wearing a vegan leather jacket and lugging a ton of library books, he is sure this is Boy 100. But right before he can make his move and ask for the boy&’s number, the guy rushes off the train, leaving behind his pumpkin-embroidered jacket. The jacket holds clues to the boy&’s identity, so Micah and his friends set off on a quest to return it. Along the way, Micah will discover that the best relationships aren&’t fairy tales. In fact, the perfect fit—and true love—might be closer than he thinks.
The A-Z Of Being Single: A Survival Guide to Dating and Mating
by Jeff GreenAh, the single life. The blind dates, the guiltless sleeping in the starfish position, the 'table for one in a draught, please'. In his hilarious new book, Jeff Green offers practical advice on how to find love, or failing that how to pretend you've got a significant other half. For women: Leave the fridge door open for no reason. For men: Wash your towels. And if you've just been dumped, Jeff shows how you can reach 'closure', otherwise known as uncompromising REVENGE. Also includes:** Great chat-up lines for the older lover: 'Did you break a hip when you fell from heaven?' ** Beauty tips for dates: How to look twenty years younger? Stand further away ** Things not to say on a first date: Would you like to see my shrine to the others? ** And at last, the truth about what women really want*If you're in a couple, this book will remind you why your own situation is - just about - worth tolerating. And if you're happily single, follow Jeff's advice and you're guaranteed to stay that way... * everything
The A-Z Of Having A Baby
by Jeff GreenCongratulations! You're having a baby! Or maybe you're a proud parent, holding your little bundle of joy with a mixture of ecstasy, wonder and sheer unadulterated TERROR? But don't panic! Real help is at hand, in the form of new dad and award-winning comedian Jeff Green. Let him guide you through the late nights, the stretch marks, the haemorrhoids... (and that's just the dads) and reassure you that you are NOT ALONE. So Dad, if you're suffering from father blues (the slow realisation that all your holidays will now be at Center Parcs), and Mum, if you're still miffed that your partner kept just out of punching range during childbirth, then this book is most definitely for you. Because it's not just babies who have teething problems...
The A-Z Of Living Together
by Jeff GreenWhat happens when those two most incompatible of creatures - the human male and the human female - settle down for a life of togetherness and arguments about the toilet seat? Award-winning comedian Jeff Green bravely sets out to discover the truth. Why is, 'Wow, you're a fantastic cleaner', not considered a compliment? And what is it about women and candles...? Along the way he offers helpful advice (why you shouldn't cheer when your partner says, 'I'm not angry, I'm disappointed'), handy tips (ways to avoid becoming broody: get up every hour throughout the night and burn £200) and essential buys (see 'exercise equipment and other places to hang wet washing'). Whether you're hopelessly coupled or gratefully single, The A-Z of Living Together has all the answers you need. Because it's not just men who behave badly...
The A-Z of Being Single: A Survival Guide to Dating and Mating
by Jeff GreenAh, the single life. The blind dates, the guiltless sleeping in the starfish position, the 'table for one in a draught, please'. In his hilarious new book, Jeff Green offers practical advice on how to find love, or failing that how to pretend you've got a significant other half. For women: Leave the fridge door open for no reason. For men: Wash your towels. And if you've just been dumped, Jeff shows how you can reach 'closure', otherwise known as uncompromising REVENGE. Also includes:** Great chat-up lines for the older lover: 'Did you break a hip when you fell from heaven?' ** Beauty tips for dates: How to look twenty years younger? Stand further away ** Things not to say on a first date: Would you like to see my shrine to the others? ** And at last, the truth about what women really want*If you're in a couple, this book will remind you why your own situation is - just about - worth tolerating. And if you're happily single, follow Jeff's advice and you're guaranteed to stay that way... * everything
The A-Z of Having a Baby
by Jeff GreenCongratulations! You're having a baby! Or maybe you're a proud parent, holding your little bundle of joy with a mixture of ecstasy, wonder and sheer unadulterated TERROR? But don't panic! Real help is at hand, in the form of new dad and award-winning comedian Jeff Green. Let him guide you through the late nights, the stretch marks, the haemorrhoids... (and that's just the dads) and reassure you that you are NOT ALONE. So Dad, if you're suffering from father blues (the slow realisation that all your holidays will now be at Center Parcs), and Mum, if you're still miffed that your partner kept just out of punching range during childbirth, then this book is most definitely for you. Because it's not just babies who have teething problems...
The A-Z of Living Together
by Jeff GreenWhat happens when those two most incompatible of creatures - the human male and the human female - settle down for a life of togetherness and arguments about the toilet seat? Award-winning comedian Jeff Green bravely sets out to discover the truth. Why is, 'Wow, you're a fantastic cleaner', not considered a compliment? And what is it about women and candles...? Along the way he offers helpful advice (why you shouldn't cheer when your partner says, 'I'm not angry, I'm disappointed'), handy tips (ways to avoid becoming broody: get up every hour throughout the night and burn £200) and essential buys (see 'exercise equipment and other places to hang wet washing'). Whether you're hopelessly coupled or gratefully single, The A-Z of Living Together has all the answers you need. Because it's not just men who behave badly...
The A-Z of Pointless: A brain-teasing bumper book of questions and trivia (Pointless Books #4)
by Alexander Armstrong Richard OsmanJourney from A-Z, playing 26 rounds of Pointless with family and friends and enjoy facts, banter and musings from Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman. Inside you'll find hundreds of questions for all the family from TV's most popular quiz show, Pointless. (You will also find thousands of answers, which is very handy.) Taking you on a journey from A to Z you will learn amazing facts, from Agincourt and Andy Warhol to Zinedine Zidane and Zimbabwe, and everything in between.As an added bonus Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman, also reveal their exclusive A to Z of behind the scenes gossip and Pointless secrets, all written with their trademark wit, alongside exclusive drawings by Moose Allain.Everyone you know will love this book. Except maybe for that couple you met on holiday, and, be honest, you didn't really like them anyway. I mean, she was alright, but what was up with him?
The ABCs of Parenthood: An Alphabet of Parenting Advice
by Randy Polumbo Deborah CopakenA wise, witty guide for new (and gently used) parents: &“You will come back to The ABCs of Parenthood again and again.&” —Parents This delightfully grown-up alphabet book brims with the kind of advice only those who&’ve been there can give. From &“D is for Dog&” (get one) to &“P is for Praise&” (do it often but appropriately) to &“R is for Romance&” (keep it alive after the kids arrive), each mini essay is coupled with a full-color photograph to warm your heart and make you smile as you continue your quest to raise positive, thoughtful children. &“Absolutely essential reading for anyone who&’s had a parent, been a parent, wants to be a parent or knows a parent.&” —Julie Klam, New York Times–bestselling author of You Had Me at Woof &“A-Z concepts which promote kindness, compassion, self-reliance, and love . . . The stunning photo illustrations are works of art in and of themselves. This book will teach you to stop hovering and worrying and start letting go and enjoying the ride.&” —Ayelet Waldman, author of Love and Treasure
The ABCs of Trash with Oscar the Grouch (Sesame Street)
by Andrea Posner-SanchezThis isn't your typical alphabet book--children and parents alike will giggle their way through Oscar's alphabet of trash!Oscar the Grouch doesn't normally like visitors. But--what's that? You want to see what's inside his trash can? Okay!With plenty of alliteration to help children learn their letters and to make reading aloud a blast, Oscar enthusiastically takes readers through the alphabet with his treasure trove of trash!
The Aargh to Zzzz of Parenting: An Alternative Guide
by Joanna Simmons Jay CurtisThis brilliantly alternative A - Z of parenting is essential reading for all mums and dads who 'really love their kids, but...' A is for Anxiety, Alcohol and awful Activities.B is for Bedtime, Baking and Boredom. C is for Childcare and Cooking With Your Coat on. The Aargh to Zzzz of Parenting puts two fingers up to the idea that motherhood is the most rewarding experience a woman can have. Taking a laugh-out-loud look at life with young children, it taps into the very normal, but hard-to-admit frustrations that many parents feel.
The Abby George Series
by Anne KempContains the novel Rum Punch Regrets and the prequel and sequel novellas, All Fruits Ripe and Gotta Go to Come Back! Over just a few short weeks, thirty-something Abby George has endured the death of her mother, been dumped by her fiancé, and gotten laid off from her job. Stunned and seeking a shoulder to cry on, she turns to her perfect older sister, Leigh. But instead of comfort, Abby receives a surprise: Leigh needs her in the Caribbean to help with some mysterious personal business. While assisting in the sale and repair of a bed and breakfast, Abby uncovers a few huge family secrets as she juggles an unexpected roommate, quirky locals, and nasty centipedes. Abby's world is further complicated when two potential suitors enter her life. Can she get beyond her own psychodrama long enough to open her heart to someone new? Or will she neurotically make her romantic life worse? Packing nothing but her suitcases and a sense of humor, Abby George travels down an unfamiliar road, but it's all she can do to hang on for the ride . . . Or will she wake up with Rum Punch Regrets?
The Abide Guide: Living Like Lebowski
by Dwayne Eutsey Oliver BenjaminA Simon & Schuster eBook. Simon & Schuster has a great book for every reader.
The Abide Guide: Living Like Lebowski
by Dwayne Eutsey Oliver BenjaminThe Dude abides . . . and you can too, with the Seven Spiritual Laws of Taking it Easy and other Lebowski-level wisdom. When you seek salvation from this stressed out, uptight world, there’s only one man to go to for guidance—the Dude. At once helpful, funny and profound (like The Big Lebowski itself), this survival guide from the founders of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude and their top disciples shows how to be as Dude-like as the Dude (well, almost):•Secrets of sacred Dudeist practices•The Seven Spiritual Laws of Taking it Easy•Great Dudes who changed the world (without really trying)•New feminist philosophy for special ladies•The Way of the Dude applied to politics, ethics, and finances•A twelve-step program for personal dudevolution•The science of really tying your room togetherAll this and a lot more what-have-you. So the next time life throws you a gutterball, just pick up this book and ask, “What Would the Dude Do?” It’s your answer for everything.
The Abominable Snowman of Pasadena (Classic Goosebumps #27)
by R. L. StineGoosebumps now on Disney+!Jordan Blake and his sister, Nicole, are sick of the hot weather in Pasadena, California. Just once they'd like to have a real winter with real snow.And then it happens. The Blakes are taking a trip to Alaska! Mr. Blake has been asked to photograph a mysterious snow creature there.Poor Jordan and Nicole. They just wanted to see snow. But now they're being chased by a monstrous creature. A big furry-faced creature known as the Abominable Snowman!