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The 18th Emergency
by Betsy ByarsBenjie and his friend Ezzie have escape plans for every emergency, including lion attacks and quicksand, but no clue what to do about the class bullySo what if Benjie &“Mouse&” Fawley likes practical jokes? He&’s a good kid who never meant to harm anyone. The same cannot be said for Marv Hammerman, a boy in Benjie&’s middle school who is as big as a high-schooler but has the temper of a two-year-old. When Benjie (in a fit of insanity) writes a joke about Marv for all to see, he soon realizes he&’s stumbled into the biggest emergency he&’s ever faced. Now Benjie must decide whether to stay at school and face a clobbering, or run off and live the rest of his life hiding in the woods. The 18th Emergency is a hilarious account of the trials of surviving the school bully. This ebook features an illustrated biography of Betsy Byars including rare images from the author&’s personal collection.
The 1990s Coloring Book: All That and a Box of Crayons (Psych! Crayons Not Included.)
by James GrangeA HILARIOUS COLORING-BOOK CELEBRATION OF EVERYTHING 90S, INCLUDING MOVIES, MUSIC, TELEVISION, FASHION, AND TECHNOLOGY Who said coloring books are just for children? With The 1990s Coloring Book, fans of that epic era can grab their neon crayons and start shading in their favorite moments. A colorful decade full of intriguing characters, memorable slang, and regrettable fashion, the 1990s loom large in today's pop-culture consciousness. With a variety of illustrations from gigantic Zack Morris cell phones, flamboyant Bill Cosby sweaters, and mesmerizing Lisa Frank folders to Ross and Rachel kissing at Central Perk, the Spice Girls donning super-tall platform shoes, and Biggie and Tupac rapping East Coast/West Coast, the pages of The 1990s Coloring Book are a Rollerblade down memory lane. This pop-culture collage provides endless fun for anyone who is artistically inclined or just nostalgic for the days of Doc Martens and Daria. It truly is all that and a bag of chips.
The 2,320 Funniest Quotes: The Most Hilarious Quips and One-Liners from allgreatquotes.com
by Tom CorrPresenting the best of the best from AllGreatQuotes.com, this uproarious volume features gems on every topic, from sex and money to spouses and politics.From the witty quips of Mark Twain to the unintentionally hilarious gaffs of today’s celebrities, this collection of snappy quotes puts readers in hysterics. This uproarious volume has clever gems on every topic imaginable. It ranges from Oscar Wilde’s devious perspective on people (“Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.”) to Socrates’ ironic advice on marriage (“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”) to Julia Roberts’ view on keeping it real (“Your face tells a story—and it shouldn’t be a story about your drive to the doctor’s office.”). The 2,320 FunniestQuotes is perfect for readers who want a cocktail party wisecrack, Facebook wall post, or witty retort, or who are just looking for a reason to smile. Laugh until you cry with such words of wisdom as . . . God gave man a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time. —Robin WilliamsMoney can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. —Spike MilliganSome cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. —Oscar WildeThe answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! —Homer SimpsonWhen I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was “Always.” —Rita RudnerHappiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. —George Burns
The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
by Robert ByrneDrawing from diverse personages from Goethe to Churchill to Woody Allen, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said is a witty wise quotation collection that deserves a special place on every humor lover's bookshelf. These unique, funny, and outrageous quotations, previously published in four separate volumes, are now gathered together in a seemingly limitless trove of pithy and often irreverent one-liners, retorts, put-downs, jokes, and last words that cover every conceivable subject and will appeal to every taste. Highlights include: —W. C. Fields: "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." —George Burns:&” "Happiness is having a large loving family in another city." And many more.
The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said
by Robert ByrneA fresh selection of sharp, witty zingers gathered from both famous and utterly unknown (but very quotable) sources, by the editor of the popular The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said Robert Byrne's quote books are widely praised as authoritative and accessible sources of sayings for any and all occasions. Byrne's own wit, diligent research, and creativity combine to form a fresh go-to reference that serves readers better than Google--no Wi-Fi required. The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said is an all-new collection of clever quips and laugh-out-loud punch lines from Gracie Allen to Frank Zappa, on such topics as sex, divorce, religion, fashion, animals, and money: STEVE MARTIN: "I'd do anything for a good body except exercise and eat right." JON STEWART: "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." NORA EPHRON: "Successful parents have adult children who can pay for their own psychoanalysis." This compilation, to be enjoyed by generations young and old, deserves a place of honor on every language lover's bookshelf.
The 2000s Made Me Gay: Essays on Pop Culture
by Grace PerryFrom The Onion and Reductress contributor, this collection of essays is a hilarious nostalgic trip through beloved 2000s media, interweaving cultural criticism and personal narrative to examine how a very straight decade forged a very queer woman"Honest, funny, smart, and illuminating.” —Anna Drezen, co-head writer of SNL"If you came of age at the intersection of Mean Girls and The L Word: Read this book.” —Sarah Pappalardo, editor in chief and co-founder of Reductress Today’s gay youth have dozens of queer peer heroes, both fictional and real, but former gay teenager Grace Perry did not have that luxury. Instead, she had to search for queerness in the (largely straight) teen cultural phenomena the aughts had to offer: in Lindsay Lohan’s fall from grace, Gossip Girl, Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl,” country-era Taylor Swift, and Seth Cohen jumping on a coffee cart. And, for better or worse, these touch points shaped her adult identity. She came out on the other side like many millennials did: in her words, gay as hell.Throw on your Von Dutch hats and join Grace on a journey back through the pop culture moments of the aughts, before the cataclysmic shift in LGBTQ representation and acceptance—a time not so long ago, which many seem to forget.
The 2020 Commission Report on the North Korean Nuclear Attacks Against the United States: A Speculative Novel
by Jeffrey LewisThis &“brilliantly conceived&” novel imagines a devastating nuclear attack on America and the official government report of the calamity (Eric Schlosser, author of Fast Food Nation and Command and Control). &“The skies over the Korean Peninsula on March 21, 2020, were clear and blue.&” So begins this sobering report by the Commission on the Nuclear Attacks against the United States, established by Congress and President Donald J. Trump to investigate the horrific events of the following three days. An independent, bipartisan panel led by nuclear expert Jeffrey Lewis, the commission was charged with finding and reporting the relevant facts, investigating how the nuclear war began, and determining whether our government was adequately prepared. Did President Trump and his advisers understand North Korean views about nuclear weapons? Did the tragic milestones of that fateful month—North Korea's accidental shoot-down of Air Busan flight 411, the retaliatory strike by South Korea, and the tweet that triggered vastly more carnage—inevitably lead to war? Or did America&’s leaders have the opportunity to avert the greatest calamity in the history of our nation? Answering these questions will not bring back the lives lost in March, 2020. It will not rebuild New York, Washington, or the other cities reduced to rubble. But at the very least, it might prevent a tragedy of this magnitude from occurring again. It is this hope that inspired The 2020 Commission Report. &“I couldn&’t put the book down, reading most of it in the course of one increasingly intense evening. If fear of nuclear war is going to keep you up at night, at least it can be a page-turner.&”—New Scientist
The 24 Days of Christmas
by Linda Lael MillerPreviously published in JINGLE ALL THE WAY A holiday miracle to remember . . . A matchbox advent calendar first brought Frank Rayner and Addie Hutton together. But that was years ago. Since then Addie has written herself out of her father’s will, gotten herself blacklisted as a reporter, and had her husband leave her for a younger woman. The only good decision she seems to have made is to move back home, even if Frank now owns that home and is renting the apartment over the garage to her. Not that she thinks there’s anything there. There’s no reason to get wrapped up in the holiday cheer. Because Christmas miracles are for the movies. Real life is about unexpected families—and the magic of true love—and could there be a happy ending after all?
The 267 Stupidest Things Democrats/Republicans Ever Said
by Ted RueterA hilarious bipartisan collection of rants, malapropisms, doublespeak, and just plain idiocy from lifelong politicians and Washington wannabes. Whether it's a Republican mayor on crime -- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe (Frank Rizzo) -- or his Democratic counterpart on the same subject -- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" (Marion Barry) -- political discourse is often off-course, not to mention unintentionally hilarious.Wickedly funny when read from either direction, this book presents both Republican stupidity ("Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from vegetation"-- Ronald Reagan) and matching head-slappers from Democrats ("For those who died [in the San Francisco earthquake], their lives will never be the same again" -- Barbara Boxer).The 267 Stupidest Things . . is the perfect antidote to election-year bombast.
The 2½ Pillars Of Wisdom
by Alexander McCall SmithAlexander McCall Smith, best-selling author of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, has turned his hand to humour. The delightful result is a creation of comic genius. For in the unnaturally tall form of Professor Doctor Moritz-Maria von Igelfeld, we are invited to meet a memorable character whose sublime insouciance is a blend of the cultivated pomposity of Frasier Crane and of Inspecteur Clouseau's hapless gaucherie.Von Igelfeld inhabits the rarefied world of the Institute of Romance Philology at Regensburg, a world he shares with his equally tall and equally ridiculous colleagues, Professors Florianus Prinzel and Detlev Amadeus Unterholzer. Their unlikely adventures are described in three deliciously funny instalments: Portuguese Irregular Verbs, The Finer Points of Sausage Dogs and At the Villa of Reduced Circumstances.
The 50 Funniest American Writers
by Andy BorowitzEver wondered who makes a very funny person laugh? Wonder no more. Brought together in this Library of America collection are America's fifty funniest writers--according to acclaimed writer and comedian Andy Borowitz. Reaching back to Mark Twain and forward to contemporary masters such as David Sedaris, Nora Ephron, Roy Blount Jr., Ian Frazier, Bernie Mac, Wanda Sykes, and George Saunders, The 50 Funniest American Writers* is an exclusive Who's Who of the very best American comic writing. Here are Thurber and Perelman, Lenny Bruce and Bruce Jay Friedman, Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, and Veronica Geng, plus hilarious lesser-known pieces from The New Yorker, Esquire, The Atlantic, National Lampoon, and The Onion. Who does "one of the funniest people in America" (CBS Sunday Morning) read when he needs a laugh?
The 50 Most Ridiculous Ashes Moments
by Dan Liebke Alex BowdenThe Ashes is one of the oldest and most revered contests in the history of sport. But it is also a contest that contains profound nonsense.The ridiculousness of cricket comes in many shapes and forms, and this book celebrates them all – the ridiculously good and the ridiculously terrible, as well as the plain old ridiculously ridiculous.From Steve Waugh&’s one-legged hundred to Stuart Broad picking a fight with a boundary robot, this celebration of the funniest, weirdest and most absurd moments from Ashes cricket is a new, richly amusing exploration of this timeless rivalry.
The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins
by Dr SeussEach time Bartholomew Cubbins attempts to obey the King's order to take off his hat, he finds there is another one on his head.
The 5th Witch
by Graham Masterton&“Black magic, mobsters and evil witches hold La La Land hostage, making Masterton&’s latest batch of chills and chuckles scarier than a writers&’ strike.&” —Publishers Weekly From Graham Masterton, the bestselling author of the Katie Maguire series, comes an unputdownable story of a deadly alliance between LA gangsters and terrifying witches . . . A ruthless new crime syndicate holds Los Angeles in a grip of terror. Anyone who opposes it suffers a horrible death . . . but not at human hands. Bizarre accidents, sudden illnesses, inexplicable and gruesome deaths: the mobsters will stop at nothing to eliminate their enemies. Every bloody step of the way, their companions are four mysterious women, witches who wield more power than the gangsters could ever dream of. With the help of his mysteriously gifted neighbor, Annie Conjure, Detective Dan Fisher must fight both the LAPD&’s skepticism and this chilling new power. And at the heart of the nightmare lies the final puzzle, the secret of . . . The 5th Witch. For readers of Angela Clarke, Peter James and Stephen King, this gripping novel from the legendary Graham Masterton will leave you reeling. Praise for the writing of Graham Masterton &“The living inheritor to the realm of Edgar Allan Poe.&” —San Francisco Chronicle &“Masterton is a crowd-pleaser, filling his pages with sparky, appealing dialogue and visceral gore.&” —Time Out &“One of the most original and frightening storytellers of our time.&” —Peter James, #1 bestselling author of Dead Simple &“A true master of the horror genre.&” —James Herbert, bestselling author of The Rats
The 65-Story Treehouse: Time Travel Trouble! (The Treehouse Books #5)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonBefore they can go up, they have to go back—travel through time with Andy and Terry as they attempt to save the treehouse! New York Times bestselling author Andy Griffiths invites readers to come hang out with him and his friend Terry in their 65-Story Treehouse - the fifth book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor! Andy and Terry live in a 65-Story Treehouse. (It used to be 52 stories, but they keep expanding.) It has a pet-grooming salon, a birthday room where it's always your birthday (even when it's not), a room full of exploding eyeballs, a lollipop shop, a quicksand pit, an ant farm, and a time machine ... which is going to be really, really useful now, since Terry messed up (again) and the treehouse just FAILED it's safety inspection. Join Andy and Terry on a whirlwind trip through time as they try to stop the treehouse from being demolished!
The 6th Grade Nickname Game
by Gordon KormanBest friends Jeff and Wiley are legends. There is practically no one in their school who hasn't been nicknamed by the duo. They've dubbed their own underachieving class "The Dim Bulbs"; their pop-eyed principal is better known as "Deer in Headlights"; and their enormous new English teacher, Mr. Hughes, is "Mr. Huge."But now some of the nicknames that Jeff and Wiley have invented are backfiring on them. Will the nicknamers be able to get it together before it's too late?*A New York Public Library Best Book for Reading and Sharing*A Bank Street Best Book of the Year* "A fast-paced novel with lots of laughs . . ." -School Library Journal (starred review)"Captures the ambience of sixth grade with humor and empathy." -Booklist"Korman is at his amusing best here. . . ." -The Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books
The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said
by Ross Petras Kathryn PetrasA connoisseur's compendium of Freudian slips, spoonerisms, double-talk, and utter bosh from famous and infamous figures past and present -- a complete course in anti-eloquence by the foot-in-mouth champions of all time.
The 78-Story Treehouse: Moo-vie Madness! (The Treehouse Books #6)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonNew York Times bestselling author Andy Griffiths invites readers to come hang out with him and his friend Terry in their 78-Story Treehouse—the sixth book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor! Andy and Terry live in a 78-story treehouse. (It used to be a 65-story treehouse, but they just keep building more levels!) It has a drive-thru car wash, a courtroom with a robot judge called Edward Gavelhead, a scribbletorium, a combining machine, an ALL-BALL sports stadium, a high-security potato chip storage facility, and an open-air movie theatre with a super-giant screen . . . which is a very useful thing to have now that Terry’s going to be a big-shot movie star! After Andy gets cut out of the movie, he and Terry have a big fight and decide they don’t want to be best friends anymore. But with a herd of sneaky spy cows out to steal all their story ideas, can Andy and Terry make up before it’s too late?
The 91-Story Treehouse (The Treehouse Books #7)
by Andy Griffiths Terry DentonNew York Times-bestselling team Andy Griffiths and Terry Denton invite readers to come hang out with them in their 91-Story Treehouse—the seventh book in the illustrated chapter book series filled with Andy and Terry's signature slapstick humor!Andy and Terry live in a 91-story treehouse. (It used to be a 78-story treehouse, but they keep getting ideas for new stories!) It has a submarine sandwich shop that serves sandwiches the size of actual submarines, an air-traffic control tower, a human pinball machine, a spin-and-win prize wheel, a giant spider web—with a giant spider!— and a big red button, which they’re not sure whether to push or not because they can’t remember what it does. Good thing there’s so many fun things to do in the treehouse, because Andy and Terry get stuck babysitting Mr. Big Nose’s three grandchildren for the day. After all, how much trouble could they possibly get into in just one day?
The 99 Boyfriends of Micah Summers
by Adam SassA charming YA rom-com perfect for fans of Red, White, and Royal Blue and What If It&’s Us. Micah Summers runs a popular Instagram full of drawings of his numerous imaginary boyfriends (ninety-nine so far)—though he's never had a real boyfriend before. But when a meet-cute with Boy 100 goes wrong, Micah embarks on a Prince Charming-like quest throughout Chicago to find true love—for real this time.Will Boy 100 be the One? Micah is rich, dreamy, and charming. As the &“Prince of Chicago,&”—the son of local celebrity sports radio host known as the King of Chicago—he has everything going for him. Unfortunately, he&’s also the prince of imaginary meet-cutes, since he&’s too nervous to actually ask boys out. Instead, Micah draws each crush to share on Instagram with a post about their imaginary dates. Ninety-nine &“boyfriends&” later, his account is hugely popular, and everyone is eagerly awaiting Boy 100. So is Micah. He&’s determined that Boy 100 will be different. This time, Micah will sweep the boy off his feet, for real! So when Micah flirts with a hot boy on the L who&’s wearing a vegan leather jacket and lugging a ton of library books, he is sure this is Boy 100. But right before he can make his move and ask for the boy&’s number, the guy rushes off the train, leaving behind his pumpkin-embroidered jacket. The jacket holds clues to the boy&’s identity, so Micah and his friends set off on a quest to return it. Along the way, Micah will discover that the best relationships aren&’t fairy tales. In fact, the perfect fit—and true love—might be closer than he thinks.
The A-Z Of Being Single: A Survival Guide to Dating and Mating
by Jeff GreenAh, the single life. The blind dates, the guiltless sleeping in the starfish position, the 'table for one in a draught, please'. In his hilarious new book, Jeff Green offers practical advice on how to find love, or failing that how to pretend you've got a significant other half. For women: Leave the fridge door open for no reason. For men: Wash your towels. And if you've just been dumped, Jeff shows how you can reach 'closure', otherwise known as uncompromising REVENGE. Also includes:** Great chat-up lines for the older lover: 'Did you break a hip when you fell from heaven?' ** Beauty tips for dates: How to look twenty years younger? Stand further away ** Things not to say on a first date: Would you like to see my shrine to the others? ** And at last, the truth about what women really want*If you're in a couple, this book will remind you why your own situation is - just about - worth tolerating. And if you're happily single, follow Jeff's advice and you're guaranteed to stay that way... * everything
The A-Z Of Having A Baby
by Jeff GreenCongratulations! You're having a baby! Or maybe you're a proud parent, holding your little bundle of joy with a mixture of ecstasy, wonder and sheer unadulterated TERROR? But don't panic! Real help is at hand, in the form of new dad and award-winning comedian Jeff Green. Let him guide you through the late nights, the stretch marks, the haemorrhoids... (and that's just the dads) and reassure you that you are NOT ALONE. So Dad, if you're suffering from father blues (the slow realisation that all your holidays will now be at Center Parcs), and Mum, if you're still miffed that your partner kept just out of punching range during childbirth, then this book is most definitely for you. Because it's not just babies who have teething problems...
The A-Z Of Living Together
by Jeff GreenWhat happens when those two most incompatible of creatures - the human male and the human female - settle down for a life of togetherness and arguments about the toilet seat? Award-winning comedian Jeff Green bravely sets out to discover the truth. Why is, 'Wow, you're a fantastic cleaner', not considered a compliment? And what is it about women and candles...? Along the way he offers helpful advice (why you shouldn't cheer when your partner says, 'I'm not angry, I'm disappointed'), handy tips (ways to avoid becoming broody: get up every hour throughout the night and burn £200) and essential buys (see 'exercise equipment and other places to hang wet washing'). Whether you're hopelessly coupled or gratefully single, The A-Z of Living Together has all the answers you need. Because it's not just men who behave badly...
The A-Z of Being Single: A Survival Guide to Dating and Mating
by Jeff GreenAh, the single life. The blind dates, the guiltless sleeping in the starfish position, the 'table for one in a draught, please'. In his hilarious new book, Jeff Green offers practical advice on how to find love, or failing that how to pretend you've got a significant other half. For women: Leave the fridge door open for no reason. For men: Wash your towels. And if you've just been dumped, Jeff shows how you can reach 'closure', otherwise known as uncompromising REVENGE. Also includes:** Great chat-up lines for the older lover: 'Did you break a hip when you fell from heaven?' ** Beauty tips for dates: How to look twenty years younger? Stand further away ** Things not to say on a first date: Would you like to see my shrine to the others? ** And at last, the truth about what women really want*If you're in a couple, this book will remind you why your own situation is - just about - worth tolerating. And if you're happily single, follow Jeff's advice and you're guaranteed to stay that way... * everything
The A-Z of Having a Baby
by Jeff GreenCongratulations! You're having a baby! Or maybe you're a proud parent, holding your little bundle of joy with a mixture of ecstasy, wonder and sheer unadulterated TERROR? But don't panic! Real help is at hand, in the form of new dad and award-winning comedian Jeff Green. Let him guide you through the late nights, the stretch marks, the haemorrhoids... (and that's just the dads) and reassure you that you are NOT ALONE. So Dad, if you're suffering from father blues (the slow realisation that all your holidays will now be at Center Parcs), and Mum, if you're still miffed that your partner kept just out of punching range during childbirth, then this book is most definitely for you. Because it's not just babies who have teething problems...