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The Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book: Includes Great Guffaws For Gryffindor, Stupefying Shenanigans For Slytherin, Howling Hilarity For Hufflepuff, And raucous Jokes And Riddikulus Riddles For Ravenclaw! (Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book)
by Brian BooneThis follow-up to The Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book: Great Guffaws for Gryffindor offers hundreds of hilarious jokes from the Harry Potter world for Slytherins and Hufflepuffs alike. The Pottermore website allows Harry Potter fans everywhere to be sorted into the house that’s right for them, and now the Ravenclaws the world over will find their place in The Unofficial Harry Potter Jokes Book: Raucous Jokes and Riddikulus Riddles for Ravenclaw. This third book in the series dives deeper into this magical universe, poking fun of every wizard and muggle from Hogsmead to the Ministry of Magic itself. Jokes include clever lines such as: What do you get when you cross a Ravenclaw with the infirmary?Ill-literacy We value wit, humor…and brains! Or maybe we’re just “for the birds.”Who are we?Ravenclaw Why did everybody want to take Professor Flitwick's class?Because he was so "charming." Why did Gilderoy Lockhart team up with Nearly Headless Nick?He needed a ghost-writer. Featuring hundreds of jokes and fifty fantastic illustrations, this joke book provides endless amounts of fun for readers and fans of the bestselling series.
The Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book: Stupefying Shenanigans For Slytherin (Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book)
by Amanda Brack Boone BrianTickle Charms and Laughing Potions, meet your match! This follow-up to The Unofficial Harry Potter Joke Book: Great Guffaws for Gryffindor Here’s just a sampling of the jokes you’ll find inside: Which Hogwarts professor gets blamed for everything? Professor Snape Goat. What’s Professor Lupin’s favorite day of the week? Moonday. Why did Gilderoy Lockhart team up with Nearly Headless Nick? He needed a ghostwriter. Did you hear that Professor McGonagall’s animagi and Crookshanks get together and gossip about students? They’re very catty. Featuring pages and pages of jokes and more than fifty fantastic illustrations for Hogwarts lovers, this joke book provides endless fun. Have all your friends spellbound by hours of laughter!
The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook: Everything I Need to Know about Life I Learned from Tolkien
by Peter Archer Scott Francis"It's a dangerous business, going out your front door."In the age of men, one must face myriad challenges: epic quests, imminent danger, the evil gaze of Sauron . . . okay, so maybe not. But wouldn't life's day-to-day challenges be easier if one were to take a cue from the diminutive hobbit? With The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook as your guide, you'll be ready to brave the difficulties, discomforts, and occasional orcs you may encounter.Become acquainted and form fellowships with the peoples of Middle-earth: elves, dwarves, wizards, Ents, and moreLearn about the dangerous creatures that lurk in the lands beyond the Shire: orcs, wolves, and dragonsUse hobbit tactics of running away, hiding, and disappearing (with or without the use of magical rings)Discover the proper etiquette for the delivery and solving or riddlesSo put another log on the fire, cut another slice of seed-cake (is it time for elevenses already?) and curl up with The Unofficial Hobbit Handbook. You'd never consider going on a nasty adventure, but it's always best to be prepared, right?
The Unofficial Middle-earth Monster's Guide: Hunt Hobbits, Hoard Treasure, and Embrace Your Villainous Nature
by The Mordor CollectiveIt's good to be bad! You're not evil. You're just...misunderstood. And you're in good company. In The Unofficial Middle-earth Monster's Guide, orcs, goblins, trolls, dark wizards--and on especially articulate dragon--serve as the perfect role models for aspiring evil-doers. Coveting that corner office? Crush the current opponent with your blood-thirsty Uruk-Hai army. Contemplating revenge on a past love? Blast him with a ball of fire--it's really the only sensible solution. Want that kid's cookie? Go ahead and take it. We won't tell. Inside you'll find: Advice on attacking, defeating, and cooking hobbits, elves, dwarves, and pesky white wizards. Philosophies of evil from various Middle-earth baddies, from balrogs and orcs to spiders and squirrels (yes, squirrels). Fashion advice for the well-dressed villain. Tried-and-true tips on spying, being sneaky, and preparing roast mutton from villains who know. So slip on your new ring of power (it really is quite beautiful, isn't it?) and curl up on the couch with your warg. The Unofficial Middle-earth Monster's Guide is the only compendium of evil you'll ever need to conquer all of life's challenges--and the world.
The Unofficial Ted Lasso Cookbook: From Biscuits to BBQ, 50 Recipes Inspired by TV's Most Lovable Football Team
by Aki Berry Meg ChanoInspired by the beloved, Emmy Award–winning TV show Ted Lasso, a collection of 50 recipes, DIY ideas, and other Easter eggs for anyone who believes that Football is Life!Keep calm and carry on, the Unofficial Ted Lasso Cookbook is here. Perfect for fans in need of sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat, or those who agree that tea tastes like hot brown water, this collection of recipes will warm your heart and fill your stomach. Featuring delicious dishes from every corner of the Lassoverse, like:Pigs in Roy's BlankieTed’s Bullseye BBQ Pulled Pork SandwichSam’s Jollof Rice With ChickenCrown and Anchor Fish and ChipsDani's Cheeky Mexican PoncheDiamond Dogs’ HighballBELIEVE Cupcake SheetAnd of course, Biscuits With the Boss (along with instructions to make your own pink box)With recipes for every occasion—from afternoon teas to AFC Richmond tailgates—plus creative watch party ideas and stories, this cookbook will help you recreate the quirky, high-spirited world of Ted Lasso and welcome its infectious optimism into your own home.
The Unorthodox Haggadah: A Dogma-free Passover for Jews & Other Chosen People
by Nathan PhillipsThe Unorthodox Haggadah is a way to enjoy the strange and wonderful world of religion, while skipping the boring parts. Ritual is at the core of every culture, but people are no longer into dogma. This book offers the ritual with a hilarious, irreverent twist. It is genuinely funny, fun to flip through, and a riot to use at the seder. Make sure everyone around your table has a copy for the next Passover. Sample text: Let's begin by drinking the blood of a virgin lamb off the tip of a flaming golden scimitar. In the event that you've de-virginized your lamb or misplaced your scimitar, use wine. Now, we toast the Israelites for rolling out of Egypt in time and generally being clever. Here are a few things they've invented since 1901: Jeans, lipstick, Hollywood, the fax machine, psychoanalysis, and the weekend. Thanks for getting us out of Egypt before shit got too real. Drink the second cup of wine while leaning to the left. &“…light up your seder.&” -Huffington Post "A cool, creative affront to Jewish grandmothers." -MediaBistro &“Redefine Bitter Herbs…slightly insane.&” -Tablet Magazine "It&’s the Passover you never knew you always wanted...While there are many (many!) different Haggadah versions out there, this one is hands down our favorite (sorry Maxwell house). Genuinely funny, which puts it head and shoulders above 99.9% of the treacly crap people foist on unsuspecting seder guests to try to fool them into thinking they&’re actually enjoying themselves.&” -Heeb Magazine
The Unplanned Life of Josie Hale
by Stephanie EdingIf you're looking for:Found family who always look out for youA second chance romance with your high school crushAll the fried food that'll take your mind off your troublesA chance to start over and do things your own wayThen The Unplanned Life of Josie Hale is exactly what you need!When Josie discovers that she's unexpectedly pregnant with her ex-husband's baby (darn that last attempt to save their marriage), she seeks comfort in deep-fried food at the county fair. There she runs into her two old friends, Ben and Kevin. While sharing their own disappointments with adult life, they devise a plan to move in together and turn their lives around. Soon Ben and Kevin make it their mission to prepare for Josie's baby, not least by making sure Josie always has the food she's craving. Maybe all together they can discover the true meaning of family and second chances in life...
The Unpredictable Consequences of Love: A feel-good novel filled with seaside secrets
by Jill MansellJill Mansell's bestseller THE UNPREDICTABLE CONSEQUENCES OF LOVE is an unforgettable tale of sunny days on the beach, Cornwall in the summer and secrets about to be revealed. Perfect for fans of Lucy Diamond and Veronica Henry.In the idyllic seaside town of St Carys, Sophie is putting the past firmly behind her. When Josh arrives in St Carys to run the family hotel, he can't understand why Sophie has zero interest in letting any man into her life. He also can't understand how he's been duped into employing Sophie's impulsive friend Tula, whose crush on him is decidedly unrequited.St Carys has more than its fair share of characters, including the charming but utterly feckless surfer Riley Bryant, who has a massive crush on Tula. Riley's aunt is superstar author Marguerite Marshall. And Marguerite has designs on Josh's grandfather...who in turn still adores his glamorous ex-wife, Dot...Just how many secrets can one seaside town keep?Read for you by Jane Collingwood. (P)2014 Headline Digital
The Unpredictable Consequences of Love: A feel-good novel filled with seaside secrets
by Jill MansellJill Mansell's bestseller THE UNPREDICTABLE CONSEQUENCES OF LOVE is an unforgettable tale of sunny days on the beach, Cornwall in the summer and secrets about to be revealed. Perfect for readers of Lucy Diamond and Veronica Henry. In the idyllic seaside town of St Carys, Sophie is putting the past firmly behind her. When Josh arrives in St Carys to run the family hotel, he can't understand why Sophie has zero interest in letting any man into her life. He also can't understand how he's been duped into employing Sophie's impulsive friend Tula, whose crush on him is decidedly unrequited.St Carys has more than its fair share of characters, including the charming but utterly feckless surfer Riley Bryant, who has a massive crush on Tula. Riley's aunt is superstar author Marguerite Marshall. And Marguerite has designs on Josh's grandfather...who in turn still adores his glamorous ex-wife, Dot...Just how many secrets can one seaside town keep?What readers are saying about The Unpredictable Consequences of Love: 'The way in which the various stories played out - with all their twists and turns, laughs and real sadness - against the vividly drawn Cornish setting made for quite engrossing reading' Goodreads reviewer, 5 stars'Wonderfully witty, highly compelling and absolutely impossible to resist' Goodreads reviewer, 5 stars'So much love is flowing in this little seaside town and each of the characters are loveable and entertaining. The perfect read with no flaws and had me hooked from start to finish' Amazon reviewer, 5 stars
The Unpredictable Consequences of Love: A feel-good novel filled with seaside secrets
by Jill MansellJill Mansell's bestseller THE UNPREDICTABLE CONSEQUENCES OF LOVE is an unforgettable tale of sunny days on the beach, Cornwall in the summer and secrets about to be revealed. Perfect for readers of Lucy Diamond and Veronica Henry. In the idyllic seaside town of St Carys, Sophie is putting the past firmly behind her. When Josh arrives in St Carys to run the family hotel, he can't understand why Sophie has zero interest in letting any man into her life. He also can't understand how he's been duped into employing Sophie's impulsive friend Tula, whose crush on him is decidedly unrequited.St Carys has more than its fair share of characters, including the charming but utterly feckless surfer Riley Bryant, who has a massive crush on Tula. Riley's aunt is superstar author Marguerite Marshall. And Marguerite has designs on Josh's grandfather...who in turn still adores his glamorous ex-wife, Dot...Just how many secrets can one seaside town keep?What readers are saying about The Unpredictable Consequences of Love: 'The way in which the various stories played out - with all their twists and turns, laughs and real sadness - against the vividly drawn Cornish setting made for quite engrossing reading' Goodreads reviewer, 5 stars'Wonderfully witty, highly compelling and absolutely impossible to resist' Goodreads reviewer, 5 stars'So much love is flowing in this little seaside town and each of the characters are loveable and entertaining. The perfect read with no flaws and had me hooked from start to finish' Amazon reviewer, 5 stars
The Unruly Life of Woody Allen: A Biography
by Marion Meade&“A psychologically nuanced, tough-minded portrait&” of the New York filmmaker and his relationships with Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi Previn (Publishers Weekly). Writer, director, actor, humorist. Woody Allen stands as one of our era&’s most celebrated artists. Starting in the 1950s, Allen began crafting a larger‑than‑life neurotic persona that has since entertained and enlightened millions. In his films, widely thought to be autobiographical explorations of his own comic fears and fixations, Allen carefully controlled the public&’s view of him as a lovable scamp. But that all came crashing down the day Mia Farrow found a Polaroid on her mantle. What followed was a flurry of sensational headlines and legal battles. His relationship with Soon‑Yi Previn, thirty-four years his junior and the step‑daughter of his longtime girlfriend, caused shockwaves in the public&’s perception of the director, yet few biographers and journalists have explored what happened and why. In this, the first deep investigation of Allen&’s life and the events surrounding his split with Farrow, biographer Marion Meade tracks down dozens of friends, actors, neighbors, and film historians. They open up with insights and details rare in the world of wealth and celebrity. What results is a fascinating portrait of a flawed genius, as adept at constructing his own image as he is at crafting films. Rereleased and updated, this is an unauthorized biography that neither Woody Allen&’s fans nor his detractors will be able to put down. The revised and updated edition was reviewed in the Wall Street Journal in 2013 by Carl Rollyson, in a roundup of the five best Hollywood biographies.
The Unscratchables
by Cornelius KaneCrusher McNashis the police force's most fearless detective, a barrel-chested bull terrier with a biscuit-thin temper and a barbed-wire tongue. Cassius Lap is the finest agent in the Feline Bureau of Investigation, an imperturbable Siamese with a mind as sharp as a can opener. San Bernardo is their territory, a seething metropolis where fat-cats prance in the exclusive island enclave of Kathattan while working dogs wallow in the stinking squalor of the Kennels. When a couple of Rottweiler gangsters are brutally murdered, Crusher McNash tries to convince himself that it's nothing unusual-- just another underworld territorial dispute. But after the sniffer squad identifies a feral-cat killer, McNash is forced to do the unthinkable-- team up with a prissy Siamese from the FBI. The trail leads from junkyards to gambling dens, from cat prisons to baronial estates, in the process unraveling an awesome conspiracy involving domination techniques, population control, and the megalomaniacal ambitions of fox media magnate Phineas Reynard. Both a hard-bitten crime story and a sharp-fanged satire,The Unscratchables is the genre-bending mystery of the year.
The Unseen World of Poppy Malone #2: A Gust of Ghosts
by Suzanne HarperEvidence 1. The mournful, eerie sound 2. A cool, silvery glow 3. Unexplained voices Possibilities 1. Vampires 2. Ghosts 3. Mermaids 4. Werewolves 5. Fairies To do 1. Visit the graveyard 2. Record evidence in logbook 3. Save Mom and Dad's job 4. Reset the camera trap 5. Come up with the plan of a lifetime-and make it a super-tricky one! 6. Ask Henry to help
The Unseen World of Poppy Malone #3: A Mischief of Mermaids
by Suzanne HarperEvidence1. A giggle2. A splash3. Green lights dancing on the distant shorePossibilities1. Vampires2. A UFO3. Mermaids4. Fairies5. A mutant from the deepTo do1. Explore the lake2. Record evidence3. Save big sister from embarrassment4. Rescue family (again)5. Confirm observations6. Trust yourself--even when everyone else thinks you are seeing things
The Unseen World of Poppy Malone: A Gaggle of Goblins
by Suzanne HarperEvidence 1. A snicker. Soft but clear. 2. The mess 3. White teeth gleaming in the shadows Possibilities 1. Vampires 2. Ghosts 3. Goblins 4. Werewolves 5. Fairies To do 1. Record evidence in logbook 2. Do not tell Mom and Dad! 3. Read (again!) The Little People: A Comprehensive History of Hobgoblins, Pixies, Brownies,and Sprites 4. Set a trap 5. Set up motion-sensor camera 6. Ask Will and Franny for help?
The Unspeakable Skipton: The Modern Classic
by Pamela Hansford Johnson'Witty, satirical and deftly malicious' Anthony Burgess Described by the New York Times upon her death as 'one of Britain's best-known novelists', delve into the sparkling and satirical world of Pamela Hansford Johnson with this wickedly funny tragicomedy about a destitute English author living in Bruges. 'A maliciously witty account of literary skulduggery and loft pretensions.' TLS ******************Daniel Skipton is a literary genius - at least, that's what he'll tell you. A tortured artist living in Bruges on money donated by others (a distant relative, the daughter of his landlady, his exasperated, long-suffering publishers), he dreams of the time his talent will once again be truly appreciated and spends days working on his masterpiece. Between charitable bequests, he preys on tourists, accepting hospitality and tricking them into parting with their money; and when an Italian aristocrat arrives, he recognises an opportunity to earn even more. But is it time for the conman to be conned?A wickedly funny novel, and one in which you will always find yourself on the side of the undeniably unspeakable Skipton.'Very funny' Independent'If this is not a great book, then I don't know what greatness is.' Edith Sitwell******************Praise for Pamela Hansford Johnson:'Witty, satirical and deftly malicious' Anthony Burgess'A remarkable craftswoman' A.S. Byatt'Hansford Johnson at her wittiest is Waugh mingled with Malcolm Bradbury Ruth Rendell'A writer whose memory fully deserves to be kept alive' Jonathan Coe
The Unspeakable Unknown
by Eliot SappingfieldGuardians of the Galaxy meets The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in this wild, warm-hearted, and hilarious sci-fi companion to A Problematic Paradox.Nikola Kross has battled aliens and won. But her father, who was kidnapped by evil extraterrestrials, is still missing, and now it's up to Nikola and her friends to find and rescue him before it's too late. He could be anywhere in the known universe, and they have little to go on except a desperate secret communication--"Kindly rescue me at your earliest convenience"--and an unhelpful clue that he's in a secure facility somewhere deep underground. But the extraterrestrials are still determined to capture Nikola. And if she gets abducted, she won't have to wonder where her father is . . . because she'll already be there. In this funny and exciting sequel, Nikola and her friends discover new and unexpected allies and come face-to-face with a strange and mysterious enemy, one so powerful and so dangerous, they dare not speak his name.
The Unstoppable Bridget Bloom
by Allison L. BitzA bright and fun fat-positive YA novel about learning how to express yourself when what has always defined you is no longer an option. Perfect for fans of Julie Murphy and Emma Lord.Bridget Bloom’s out-of-this-world voice is the perfect fit for center stage. When Bridget’s admitted to Richard James Academy, a college prep boarding school with a prestigious music program—where heartthrob Duke Ericson attends—all her dreams are on track to come true: leave the hometown where she’s never belonged, fall in love, and launch her Broadway career.But upon arriving at the academy, she learns that due to her low music theory scores, she’s not eligible to perform or earn the sponsorship she needs to afford the tuition. Worst of all, Dean of Students Octavia Lawless, the one person with the power to reverse the decision, challenges her to work on her humility . . . by not singing at all.Without her voice, Bridget will have to get out of her comfort zone and find a new way to shine. Good thing she is unstoppable!From debut author Allison L. Bitz comes a coming-of-age story of self-discovery, humility, friendship, and love. Includes sheet music for two original songs!
The Unsuitable: A Novel
by Molly PohligMolly Pohlig's The Unsuitable is a fierce blend of Gothic ghost story and Victorian novel of manners that’s also pitch perfect for our current cultural moment.Iseult Wince is a Victorian woman perilously close to spinsterhood whose distinctly unpleasant father is trying to marry her off. She is awkward, plain, and most pertinently, believes that her mother, who died in childbirth, lives in the scar on her neck. Iseult’s father parades a host of unsuitable candidates before her, the majority of whom Iseult wastes no time frightening away. When at last her father finds a suitor desperate enough to take Iseult off his hands—a man whose medical treatments have turned his skin silver—a true comedy of errors ensues.As history’s least conventional courtship progresses into talk of marriage, Iseult’s mother becomes increasingly volatile and uncontrollable, and Iseult is forced to resort to extreme, often violent, measures to keep her in check. As the day of the wedding nears, Iseult must decide whether (and how) to set the course of her life, with increasing interference from both her mother and father, tipping her ever closer to madness, and to an inevitable, devastating final act.
The Untamed Scoundrel (Epic Tales from Adventure Time)
by Christopher Houghton T. T. MacdangereuseAdventure Time is Cartoon Network's top original animated series.<P> When Sir Jacobus Gooddog meets Lady Rainicorn at a ball, he and his loyal manservant must set sail to rescue her from an evil witch so that he and Lady Rainicorn can be married.<P> Based on an idea from Adventure Time creator Pendleton Ward comes a series of epic fiction inspired by classic pulp adventure stories (with just a touch of romance novels) set in a fan-fiction version of Ooo and featuring original, off the wall stories staring the series most popular couples such as Jake & Lady Rainicorn and Fionna & Marshall Lee.
The Unteachables
by Gordon KormanA hilarious new middle grade novel from beloved and bestselling author Gordan Korman about what happens when the worst class of kids in school is paired with the worst teacher—perfect for fans of Ms. Bixby’s Last Day. <P><P>The Unteachables are a notorious class of misfits, delinquents, and academic train wrecks. Like Aldo, with anger management issues; Parker, who can’t read; Kiana, who doesn’t even belong in the class—or any class; and Elaine (rhymes with pain). The Unteachables have been removed from the student body and isolated in room 117. <P><P>Their teacher is Mr. Zachary Kermit, the most burned-out teacher in all of Greenwich. He was once a rising star, but his career was shattered by a cheating scandal that still haunts him. After years of phoning it in, he is finally one year away from early retirement. <P><P>But the superintendent has his own plans to torpedo that idea—and it involves assigning Mr. Kermit to the Unteachables. <P><P>The Unteachables never thought they’d find a teacher who had a worse attitude than they did. And Mr. Kermit never thought he would actually care about teaching again. Over the course of a school year, though, room 117 will experience mayhem, destruction—and maybe even a shot at redemption.
The Unwanted Conti Bride: The Billionaire's Ruthless Affair Moretti's Marriage Command The Unwanted Conti Bride The Flaw In Raffaele's Revenge (The Legendary Conti Brothers)
by Tara Pammi"I want to marry you." If Sophia Rossi wants to save her father's business, then merging the Rossi and Conti empires is the only way. Luca Conti broke her heart once before, but this time Sophia's in the driver's seat. Except Luca can still make her body tremble with just a look! Luca has spent years cultivating his Conti Devil reputation to mask the darkness he inherited from his father, a facade that Sophia should be all too familiar with. Still, the shrewd businessman can see the benefits of her proposal... He might not want her as his bride, but he'll enjoy having her in his bed!
The Unwelcome Surprise
by Olga HerreraPerfect for fans of Something's Wrong! and Can I Be Your Dog?, The Unwelcome Surprise is a charming new baby story full of debut author-illustrator Olga Herrera's incredibly humorous art, and that explores the fears and joys that come with change. Every morning, Bongo walks downstairs to get his food, passing his dried-up potted plant, his old stained chair, and his stinky stained carpet. Until one morning...something is different! Something monstrous is in his way! Bongo is beside himself with worry; will it take his walks? What if it eats his food? Or even worse...what if it takes his family?!
The Upper Case: Trouble in Capital City (Private I)
by Tara LazarJust when Private I thinks all is calm-now that he's cracked the case of 7 Ate 9-Question Mark storms into the office.Mark is worried. All the uppercase letters are M-I-S-S-I-N-G! But that's absurd. This is CAPITAL City!Private I is the last letter standing. Will he solve his BIGGEST mystery yet, the UPPER CASE, before it's too late?!Filled with the same humor, wit, and quirkiness of the hit 7 Ate 9: The Untold Story, comes another laugh-out-loud whodunit.
The Upside of Over
by J. D. BarrettWhat happens when one of the country's most popular identities goes from reading the news to being the news? Olivia Law had always been the good girl. Great grades, perfect career, husband, house and hairdo. She'd learnt image was everything so she refused to look below the surface of her life. When not at work her minutes were filled with causes, chairing boards and dining at fabulous restaurants with her equally fabulous husband, David. She kept up the Botox, blow-dries and worked hard. It wasn't enough, but whenever doubt crept in she'd head to a pilates class or plan a renovation on her trophy house. Then she turned 45. Olivia wasn't prepared for David to leave. The fact that they hadn't had sex for two years should have triggered warning bells ... it didn't.In an attempt to fix her broken marriage Olivia exposed herself like never before. But when her confession goes viral, the husband, house and job disappear. The woman who once offered glamorous reassurance and a steady gaze is labelled a princess of perversion. Humiliated, defeated, facing fifty shades of failure, she's left wondering who the hell she really is? Stripped bare, she abandons perfection ... and something remarkable happens. Olivia Law just might get her sass back (and this time, it's the real thing). The brilliant new novel from J.D. Barrett about break ups, breakdowns and break throughs. Batteries not included.