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The Long Walk
by Kerry GreenwoodWhat do you do when your mother falls ill and is sent to a rest home, and your father is away working on the Great Ocean Road? How do you survive when the only things you have are the clothes on your back and the promise you made to keep your family together? For Isa Wyatt, there's only one thing she can do. She gathers together her brothers and her sister, packs an old pram with their belongings, and sets off to find her father. It is a long walk, and the children have to face the dangers and hardships of a country suffering the Depression. But on their journey, Isa soon learns that most people will give everything they have to help a small, courageous family survive. And some will do anything to stop them.
The Longevity Bible: 8 Essential Strategies for Keeping Your Mind Sharp and Your Body Young
by Gary Small Gigi VorganFrom the author of The Memory Bible and The Memory Prescription, Dr. Gary Small's exciting, all-encompassing formula for living a longer and better life Bestselling author and expert on aging Dr. Gary Small show us how to live longer, stronger, better lives in his new book, The Longevity Bible, by following simple guidelines such as a positive attitude, gratifying relationships, and lifelong education.Comprised of advice on memory fitness, healthy diet, physical conditioning, and stress reduction, The Longevity Bible follows the stories of four typical readers in different stages of their lives, and how those lives are improved with his plans.
The Look
by Sophia BennettCan she be a supermodel and a super-sister? She finds her answer in just one look.Two sisters, both beautiful in different ways: Fifteen-year-old Ted has got "The Look." That's what the scout for the modeling agency tells her, and she can't believe her luck. But just as Ted's jet-setting off on her new career, seventeen-year-old Ava is diagnosed with cancer. Can Ted be a supermodel and a super-sister? Or will she have to choose between family and fame? With their worlds turned upside down, the girls have to look past appearances, look deep inside, to figure out what really matters.
The Loop (The Loop #1)
by Ben Oliver"A script-ready story with blockbuster potential." -- Kirkus (Starred Review)Life inside The Loop--the futuristic death row for teens under eighteen--is one long repetitive purgatory. But when news of the encroaching chaos in the outside world reaches the inmates and disorder begins to strike, the prison becomes the least of their worries. Perfect for fans of The Maze Runner and The Fifth Wave.It's Luka Kane's 16th birthday and he's been inside The Loop for over two years. Every inmate is serving a death sentence with the option to push back their execution date by six months if they opt into "Delays," scientific and medical experiments for the benefit of the elite in the outside world.But rumors of a war on the outside are spreading amongst the inmates, and before they know it, their tortuous routine becomes disrupted. The government-issued rain stops falling. Strange things are happening to the guards. And it's not long until the inmates are left alone inside the prison.Were the chains that shackled Luka to his cell the only instruments left to keep him safe? In a thrilling shift, he must overcome fellow prisoners hell-bent on killing him, the warden losing her mind, the rabid rats in the train tunnels, and a population turned into murderous monsters to try and break out of The Loop, save his family, and discover who is responsible for the chaos that has been inflicted upon the world.
The Loose Ends List
by Carrie FirestoneA refreshing, funny, and moving debut novel about first loves, last wishes, and letting go.Seventeen-year-old Maddie O'Neill Levine lives a charmed life, and is primed to spend the perfect pre-college summer with her best friends and young-at-heart socialite grandmother (also Maddie's closest confidante), tying up high school loose ends. Maddie's plans change the instant Gram announces that she is terminally ill and has booked the family on a secret "death with dignity" cruise ship so that she can leave the world in her own unconventional way - and give the O'Neill clan an unforgettable summer of dreams-come-true in the process.Soon, Maddie is on the trip of a lifetime with her over-the-top family. As they travel the globe, Maddie bonds with other passengers and falls for Enzo, who is processing his own grief. But despite the laughter, headiness of first love, and excitement of glamorous destinations, Maddie knows she is on the brink of losing Gram. She struggles to find the strength to say good-bye in a whirlwind summer shaped by love, loss, and the power of forgiveness.
The Lord of Opium (The House of the Scorpion)
by Nancy FarmerIn the riveting sequel to the acclaimed bestseller The House of the Scorpion, Matt reels from the change in status quo and struggles to do the right thing; find out his story&’s end in this new edition with a reimagined cover!Matt Alacrán is a fourteen-year-old drug lord. Until recently, Matt was just a clone grown from a strip of El Patrón&’s skin. Now he is lord of the land of Opium, on the one-time US–Mexico border, and rules over an army of microchipped, zombielike workers who are programmed to produce the drugs that are Opium&’s main export. El Patrón kept the air and water in Opium clean, but the rest of the world is a polluted wasteland. Matt is sure that, in his new position, he can find a way to break the cycle of violence and destruction—but it will only be possible if he chooses the right people to trust.
The Lost (Witch & Wizard #5)
by James Patterson Emily RaymondWhit and Wisty explore the nature of power in James Patterson's final, explosive conclusion to the bestselling Witch & Wizard saga. Whit and Wisty Allgood have fought and defeated their world's most pernicious threats: the evil dictator, The One Who Is The One, as well as his wicked father and son. But just as the heroic witch and wizard start to settle into their new roles in governance, a deadly crime wave grips their city, with all signs pointing to a magical mastermind every bit as powerful and heartless as The One. Now the siblings find themselves persecuted as the city turns against all those who possess magic. They're questioning everything, including each other and their abilities. Can they confront the citizens' growing hostility and their own doubts in time to face the new enemy barreling toward their gates?
The Lost Book of the White (The Eldest Curses #2)
by Cassandra Clare Wesley ChuFrom #1 New York Times bestselling authors Cassandra Clare and Wesley Chu comes the second book in the Eldest Curses series and a thrilling adventure for High Warlock Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood, for whom a death-defying mission into the heart of evil is not just a job, it&’s also a romantic getaway. The Lost Book of the White is a Shadowhunters novel.Life is good for Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood. They&’re living together in a fabulous loft, their warlock son, Max, has started learning to walk, and the streets of New York are peaceful and quiet—as peaceful and quiet as they ever are, anyway. Until the night that two old acquaintances break into Magnus&’s apartment and steal the powerful Book of the White. Now Magnus and Alec will have to drop everything to get it back. They need to follow the thieves to Shanghai, they need to call some backup to accompany them, and they need a babysitter. Also, someone has stabbed Magnus with a strange magical weapon that is changing the very nature of his powers. Fortunately, their backup consists of Clary, Jace, Isabelle, and newly minted Shadowhunter Simon. In Shanghai, they learn that a much darker threat awaits them. Magnus&’s magic is growing unstable, and if they can&’t stop the demons flooding into the city, they might have to follow them all the way back to the source—to the very realm of the dead.
The Lost Prince: Large Print (The Frances Hodgson Burnett Essential Collection)
by Frances Hodgson BurnettFrances Hodgson Burnett&’s classic story of a boy and his father&’s search for the lost prince of Samavia is back with a gorgeous new cover.Twelve-year-old Marco Loristan has spent his life moving from place to place with his father, Stefan, always hiding their heritage. Their home country of Samavia has been in turmoil ever since the king was overthrown five hundred years ago, and now its people are forced to fight in the armies of warring factions. But legend has it that the heir of the true king escaped, and his descendant is waiting until the time is right to reclaim the throne and restore peace to the country. While living in London, Marco learns of a secret his father has been hiding: Stefan knows the identity of the lost prince and that he&’ll reveal himself soon. But they have to spread the word to the prince&’s supporters. And to do that, they&’ll need a messenger who can escape the notice of the current ruler&’s spies—someone like a young boy. With the help of an orphan he befriends in London, Marco is tasked with traveling across Europe to share the news, preparing the way for the lost prince to return.
The Lost Sisters (The Folk of the Air)
by Holly BlackSometimes the difference between a love story and a horror story is where the ending comes... While Jude fought for power in the Court of Elfhame against the cruel Prince Cardan, her sister Taryn began to fall in love with the trickster, Locke. Half-apology and half-explanation, it turns out that Taryn has some secrets of her own to reveal.The Lost Sisters is a companion e-novella to the New York Times bestselling novel The Cruel Prince, by master writer Holly Black.
The Lost Souls of Benzaiten
by Kelly MurashigeThis heartfelt and quirky young adult fantasy debut follows a young outcast on a journey of transformation . . . into a robot vacuum cleaner.A fresh twist on Japanese mythology that doubles as a deep, honest dive into mental health.&“I wish to become one of those round vacuum cleaner robots.&” That&’s what Machi prays for at the altar of Japanese goddess Benzaiten. Ever since her two best friends decided they want nothing to do with her, Machi hasn&’t been able to speak. After months of online school and a carousel of therapists, she can no longer see the point of being human. She doesn&’t expect Benzaiten to hear her prayer, much less offer a different prayer on Machi&’s behalf—that Machi discover the beauty of humanity, ultimately restoring her to her previous self.Benzaiten is enamored with the human world and, as she&’s the goddess of love, humanity is enamored right back. Being second-best once again isn&’t helping Machi move past her trauma, and with each adventure they share, Machi is reminded of everything she&’s lost. It isn&’t until Machi starts interacting with the souls of the dead—which tends to happen around Benzaiten—that she starts to rediscover her place among the living.From an author to watch, The Lost Souls of Benzaiten is a highly original debut about the nature of happiness and the potential for healing.
The Losting Fountain
by Lora SenfEmber, Miles, and Sam have been called home—only home is a place none of them have ever been before. The choices they make will not only determine their own futures but will also have vast and permanent consequences—they will either restore a cosmic balance or destroy the dams that separate two worlds, ending them both. Ember was called because she belonged, Miles because his mother belonged, and Sam . . . well, Sam arranged his own invitation. The Fountain itself is beautiful and alluring—yet so is the light of an anglerfish. Hidden below the surface, the world of the Fountain is vast: unexplored and unmapped and full of wild things—leviathan and tiny, scuttling things and all manner of creature in between. There are other entities as well, entities that haunt and hunt in the Fountain, because it rewards nearly as often as it punishes, and it has been punishing the greedy and merciless and cruel for a very long time. For those, the Fountain becomes a prison. The borders between our world and the world of the Fountain are already porous. If the balance between them is upset and control of the Fountain is lost, the consequences will be rapid, merciless, and world-ending. In every timeline that has been or will be, everywhere that water stands in our world will become a passageway for the violent damned to enter ours from the Fountain. For Ember, Miles, and Sam, all from different times, what starts as a journey to take control of their lives quickly becomes a quest to save—or destroy—both worlds, depending on whom you ask.Rising star and Bram Stoker Award-winning author, Lora Senf has created a gorgeously written, pitch-black fantasy that will transport readers to a world that is as beautiful as it is horrifying and will keep readers on their toes as they devour it page by page.
The Loudest Silence
by Sydney LangfordTwo disabled queer teens find belonging in this poignant platonic love story about singing, signing, and solidarity.Casey Kowalski once dreamed of becoming a professional singer. Then the universe threw her a life-altering curveball—sudden, permanent, and profound hearing loss—just before her family&’s move from Portland to Miami. Now, she&’s learning to navigate the world as a Deaf-Hard of Hearing person while trying to conceal her hearing loss from her new schoolmates. Hayden González-Rossi is also keeping secrets. Three generations of González men have risen to stardom on the soccer field, and Hayden knows his family expects him to follow in their footsteps, but he wants to quit soccer and pursue a career on Broadway. If only his Generalized Anxiety Disorder didn&’t send him into a debilitating spiral over the thought of telling the truth.Casey and Hayden are both determined to hide who they really are. But when they cross paths at school, they bond over their shared love of music and their mutual feeling that they don&’t belong, and the secrets come spilling out. Their friendship is the beating heart of this dual-perspective story featuring thoughtful disability representation, nuanced queer identities, and a lovably quirky supporting cast.
The Love Match
by Priyanka Taslim&“Jane Austen meets Bengali cinema&” (Publishers Weekly) in this delightful and heartfelt rom-com about a Bangladeshi American teen whose meddling mother arranges a match to secure their family&’s financial security—just as she&’s falling in love with someone else.Zahra Khan is basically Bangladeshi royalty, but being a princess doesn&’t pay the bills in Paterson, New Jersey. While Zahra&’s plans for financial security this summer involve working long hours at Chai Ho and saving up for college writing courses, Amma is convinced that all Zahra needs is a &“good match,&” Jane Austen style. Enter Harun Emon, who&’s wealthy, devastatingly handsome, and…aloof. As soon as Zahra meets him, she knows it&’s a bad match. It&’s nothing like the connection she has with Nayim Aktar, the new dishwasher at the tea shop, who just gets Zahra in a way no one has before. So, when Zahra finds out that Harun is just as uninterested in this match as she is, they decide to slowly sabotage their parents&’ plans. And for once in Zahra&’s life, she can have her rossomalai and eat it too: &“dating&” Harun and keeping Amma happy while catching real feelings for Nayim. But life—and boys—can be more complicated than Zahra realizes. With her feelings all mixed up, Zahra discovers that sometimes being a good Bengali kid can be a royal pain.
The Love Report Volume 2 (The Love Report)
by BeKaIn this second book in the addictive graphic novel series for tweens, Grace and Lola uncover more truths about romance and friendship at home, at school, and on an island holiday.BFFs Grace and Lola are back in volume two of The Love Report. Grace tries to adjust to her parents' split, but dividing her time between two homes is no fun; Lola and Grace help Adele find a place to stay–an old factory–to escape her evil stepmother; and Lola wants to help Felicity after one of the boys begins harassing her, but it&’s not easy. Summer comes just in time, and the change of season brings the girls and Adele to the island of Sardinia, where they continue to discover the ins and outs of love and romance far from home and school.
The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali
by Sabina KhanWith a welcome mix of humor, heart, and high-stakes drama, Sabina Khan provides a timely and honest portrait of what it's like to grow up feeling unwelcome in your own culture.Praise for The Love and Lies of Rukhsana AliFeatured on NBC News and the BBCA Junior Library Guild SelectionA Teen Indie Next List Pick (IndieBound)An Amazon Best Book of the Month for FebruaryOprah Magazine's Best YA Books You'll Love in 2019Seventeen.com's Best YA Books of 2019B&N Teen Blog's Most Anticipated LGBTQAP Books of 2019Hypable's Most Anticipated LGBTQ YA Books of 2019Parade's Buzzworthy YA Books to Read in 2019BookRiot's Most Anticipated 2019 LGBTQ YA of 2019Paste Magazine's Best YA Books of January 2019Short-listed, Sheila A. Egoff Children's Literature Prize (BC), 2020Short-listed, OLA White Pine Award, Fiction, 2019Commended, Best Books for Kids and Teens, Canadian Children's Book Centre, 2019Commended, OLA Best Bets: Honourable Mention, 2019"An intersectional, diverse coming of age story that will break your heart in the best way." -- Bustle.com* "With an up-close depiction of the intersection of the LGBTQIA+ community with Bengali culture, this hard-hitting and hopeful story is a must-purchase for any YA collection." -- School Library Journal, starred review"This book will break your heart and then, chapter by chapter, piece it back together again. A much-needed addition to any YA shelf." -- Sandhya Menon, New York Times bestselling author of When Dimple Met Rishi and From Twinkle, With Love"Heart-wrenching yet hopeful, The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali is an insightful and honest look at the tangled web of identity, culture, familial loyalty, and love. Sabina Khan crafts a powerful, poignant story about finding yourself, about speaking your truth, and about stepping out of the shadows and into the light." -- Samira Ahmed, New York Times bestselling author of Love, Hate and Other Filters"A daring and timely novel, The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali delves head-and-heart-first into the universal complexities of navigating duty and desire, tradition and modernity, and friends and family -- the one we are born into and the one we choose; the friends who are family, and the family we strive to befriend -- all through the prism of multicultured identity. Political, personal, page-turning. Sabina Khan is one to watch." -- Tanuja Desai Hidier, author of Born Confused and Bombay Blues"Bold, heartbreaking, yet hopeful. A story that will stay with you for years to come." -- Sara Farizan, Lambda Award-winning author of If You Could Be Mine"The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali unapologetically explores the complex ties between families, friends, and intersectional diversity. Khan brings talent and voice in this brilliant novel that will keep you reading until the very last page." -- Nisha Sharma, author of My So-Called Bollywood Life"[The Love and Lies of Rukhsana Ali] takes LGBTQ fiction to another level and will help open readers' eyes to the realities that many face in these changing times." -- Shelf Awareness
The Lucky List
by Rachael LippincottRachael Lippincott, coauthor of #1 New York Times bestseller Five Feet Apart, weaves a &“breezy…truly charming&” (Kirkus Reviews) love story about learning who you are, and who you love, when the person you&’ve always shared yourself with is gone.Emily and her mom were always lucky. But Emily&’s mom&’s luck ran out three years ago when she succumbed to cancer, and nothing has felt right for Emily since. Now, the summer before her senior year, things are getting worse. Not only has Emily wrecked things with her boyfriend Matt, who her mom adored, but her dad is selling the house she grew up in and giving her mom&’s belongings away. Soon, she&’ll have no connections left to Mom but her lucky quarter. And with her best friend away for the summer and her other friends taking her ex&’s side, the only person she has to talk to about it is Blake, the swoony new girl she barely knows. But that&’s when Emily finds the list—her mom&’s senior year summer bucket list—buried in a box in the back of her closet. When Blake suggests that Emily take it on as a challenge, the pair set off on a journey to tick each box and help Emily face her fears before everything changes. As they go further down the list, Emily finally begins to feel close to her mom again, but her bond with Blake starts to deepen, too, into something she wasn&’t expecting. Suddenly Emily must face another fear: accepting the secret part of herself she never got a chance to share with the person who knew her best.
The Machine in America: A Social History of Technology
by Carroll Pursell2008 Outstanding Academic Title, Choice MagazineFrom the medieval farm implements used by the first colonists to the invisible links of the Internet, the history of technology in America is a history of society as well. Arguing that "the tools and processes we use are a part of our lives, not simply instruments of our purpose," historian Carroll Pursell analyzes technology's impact on the lives of women and men, on their work, politics, and social relationships—and how, in turn, people influence technological development.Pursell shows how both the idea of progress and the mechanical means to harness the forces of nature developed and changed as they were brought from the Old World to the New. He describes the ways in which American industrial and agricultural technology began to take on a distinctive shape as it adapted and extended the technical base of the industrial revolution. He discusses the innovation of an American system of manufactures and the mechanization of agriculture; new systems of mining, lumbering, and farming, which helped conquer and define the West; and the technologies that shaped the rise of cities. In the second edition of The Machine in America, Pursell brings this classic history up to date with a revised chapter on war technology and new discussions on information technology, globalization, and the environment.
The Mad Ones: Crazy Joe and the Revolution at the Edge of the Underworld
by Tom FolsomA powerful collision of true crime and pop culture, The Mad Ones captures the revolutionary spirit of the sixties and brings to life one of the most vibrant antiheroes in American history.
The Mad and Magical World of Sukumar Ray
by Sukumar RayWelcome to the extraordinary world of Sukumar Ray – King of Humour and Wizard of Wordplay!A gifted poet, writer, playwright and illustrator, Ray wrote stories of various shapes, colours and flavours, transforming words into things of wonder and whimsy for generations of readers. Featuring broken stars and enchanted forests, cures for anger and greed, lazy pigs and sly parrots, wicked sorcerers and talking dolls, many of the tales in this unusual medley have been translated into English for the first time. The collection highlights not only Ray’s crazy imagination but also his ability to breathe life into fables from faraway lands. Brimming with wit and magic, this dazzling display of Sukumar Ray’s storytelling genius is sure to leave you utterly spellbound.
The Magician's Nephew (Chronicles of Narnia #1)
by C. S. LewisDon’t miss one of America’s top 100 most-loved novels, selected by PBS’s The Great American Read. Narnia . . . a land frozen in eternal winter . . . a country waiting to be set freeWitness the creation of a magical land in The Magician's Nephew, the first title in C. S. Lewis's classic fantasy series, which has captivated readers of all ages for over sixty years On a daring quest to save a life, two friends are hurled into another world, where an evil sorceress seeks to enslave them. But then the lion Aslan's song weaves itself into the fabric of a new land, a land that will be known as Narnia. And in Narnia, all things are possible.This ebook contains the complete text and art. Illustrations in this ebook appear in vibrant full color on a full-color ebook device and in rich black-and-white on all other devices.This is a stand-alone novel, but if you want to journey back to Narnia, read The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, the second book in The Chronicles of Narnia.
The Magnetic Universe: The Elusive Traces of an Invisible Force
by J. B. ZirkerA main selection of Scientific American Book ClubMagnetic fields permeate our vast universe, urging electrically charged particles on their courses, powering solar and stellar flares, and focusing the intense activity of pulsars and neutron stars.Magnetic fields are found in every corner of the cosmos. For decades, astrophysicists have identified them by their effects on visible light, radio waves, and x-rays. J. B. Zirker summarizes our deep knowledge of magnetism, pointing to what is yet unknown about its astrophysical applications. In clear, nonmathematical prose, Zirker follows the trail of magnetic exploration from the auroral belts of Earth to the farthest reaches of space. He guides readers on a fascinating journey of discovery to understand how magnetic forces are created and how they shape the universe. He provides the historical background needed to appreciate exciting new research by introducing readers to the great scientists who have studied magnetic fields. Students and amateur astronomers alike will appreciate the readable prose and comprehensive coverage of The Magnetic Universe.
The Making of the Women's World Cup: Defining stories from a sports coming of age
by Kieran Theivam Jeff KassoufWith a foreword by England legend Kelly Smith, the country's all-time record goalscorer and a player widely considered one of the best to have played the game.The exciting story of one of the fastest growing sports in the world, played by over 30 million girls and women. Over 25 million people tuned in for the Americans' 2015 Women's World Cup final victory - the most-watched football match in United States history. The Making of the Women's World Cup details the most incredible tales from previous Women's World Cups, including: Carli Lloyd's 13-minute hat trick and the worldwide movement set off by 2015How Japan made their country smile for the first time since the devastating tsunamiThe USA's World Cup triumph on home soil in 1999Germany's back-to-back titles in 2003 and 2007 Marta's magic: The birth of a Brazilian iconHow Kelly Smith announced her arrival with the kiss of a bootThe beginnings of Australia's golden generation The 122nd-minute USA equalizer against Brazil: the quarterfinal that changed everythingThe dawn of the Lionesses: England joins world elite through tears of joy and despair
The Mammoth Book Of Everest: From the first attempts to today, 40 first-hand accounts
by Jon E. LewisThis selection of the very best writing on Everest begins with the first attempts and continues, via Mallory's failed bid and Hillary and Tenzing's triumph, to the disasters of recent years. It features 35 white-knuckle accounts of climbing on the world's highest mountain, with all the tragedy and triumph of humankind's striving for the top of the world, by those who know the 'Death Zone' best - the climbers themselves. But this is much more than just the best of exhilarating first-hand accounts of climbing on Everest. It includes the full history of the conquest of Everest, and provides an evocative portrait of the cruel, natural beauty of Chomolungma, 'The Mother Goddess of the World'.
The Mammoth Book of Great British Humour (The Mammoth Bks.)
by Michael PowellA doorstopper of a collection of the very best of both contemporary and classic British wit and humour. From Monty Python's 'Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more . . .' to Dan Antopolski's 'Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?'. From George Bernard Shaw to Michael McIntyre, from Eric Morecombe to Omid Djalili, and from Oscar Wilde to Jimmy Carr, a side-splitting look at Britain, the British and life in general. Including these gems from Britain's finest comedians:I was delighted to learn that my friend's schadenfreude was not as satisfying as mine. Armando Iannucci.I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West. Zoe LyonsFor a while I was the perfect mother. Then the Pethidine wore off. Jenny Eclair.My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Jack Dee.Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings because it's hardly ever for them? Harry Hill.Arse-gravy of the very worst kind. Stephen Fry on The Da Vinci Code.You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote "I still love you, see last year's card for full details." Michael McIntyre on Valentines Day.I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well!'Tim Vine.I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan.When someone close to you dies, move seats. Peter Kay.My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr.Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot. Vic Reeves.A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. Billy Connolly.Getting divorced isn't like a bereavement at all, because if he's died, I'd have had me mortgage paid, and I could've danced on his grave. Sarah Millican.My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela: incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he's been out about 18 years now and he hasn't re-offended. Ricky Gervais.If you want to confuse a girl, buy her a pair of chocolate shoes. Milton Jones.Phil Collins is losing his hearing, making him the luckiest man at a Phil Collins Concert. Simon Amstell.We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left. Ronnie Barker.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts. Tommy Cooper