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Tommy Cooper All In One Joke Book: Book Joke, Joke Book
by Tommy CooperMy wife is a magician, yesterday she turned our car into a tree.A big white horse walks into a pub. The barman says, 'we have a drink named after you.' The horse says, 'what? Eric?'I said, 'waiter, what's that in my soup?' he said, 'I'd better call the boss, I can't tell one insect from another.'I'm reading a book called 'Sex Before 20'. Personally I don't like audiences.I said, 'it's serious, doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places'. He said, 'well stop going to those places.'I call my car flattery. It gets me nowhere.
Too Hot to Handle: True Stories as Told to Madame B
by Ann SummersTen women reveal all to our mysterious hostess, Madame B. Nothing is out of bounds and passion is pushed to its very limit. Under Offer - Sally just can't keep her eyes off the hot estate agent. By the third apartment, Sally can't control her lust any longer and makes him an offer he can't refuse...Backstage Pass - Everyone knows him, the rock star who regularly tops the charts. Ali just has to have him, and blags a backstage pass...Executive Decision - It's the career chance of a lifetime. PA to a gorgeous, jet-setting executive. Amanda wants the job - and him - so badly. Then he asks if she has any 'extra services' to offer. Shopaholic - Zoe's bored with her look. So when a friend recommends personal shopper and stylist Maria, she books in for a session. Maria knows just how to make Zoe feel fabulous - and it all kicks off in the changing room.Coming Up Roses - Kara can't face a day in the office and calls in sick. That's when she notices two attractive gardeners working outside her apartment window. It's hot, they're sweating. So Kara invites them both in for a shower...Filthy Rich - At a salsa club, Jen and Mike meet an older, wealthy couple, who invite them back to their mansion. The place is a millionaire's paradise - acres of land, and a sexy outdoor jacuzzi...Double Fantasy - Identical twins and flatmates Gilly and Annie secretly share their men. So when fit delivery guy Rob turns up with a washing machine, Gilly has her fun on top of it - and then lets Annie take over. Curtain Raiser - Cathy's boyfriend confesses he's always wanted to try a seedy peep show. She's not so sure. But once they're inside the cubicle, Cathy can't get enough.Tunnel Vision - She spots him at check-in, and he's sitting opposite her in first class. He passes her a mobile number. She texts. He texts. And things get steamy...Father Figure - Jane's always fancied her ex-boyfriend's dad. Then she bumps into him at a taxi rank. They share a cab, but they don't even make it indoors...With private indulgences stripped bare for all to see, Too Hot to Handle ensures that nothing remains a secret any more.
Tommy Doc: The Controversial and Colourful Life of One of Football's Most Dominant Personalities
by David TossellTommy ‘The Doc’ Docherty was a combative Scotland international wing-half who became a brilliant but erratic manager. His 1960s Chelsea team was a glorious reflection of his colourful personality, and a decade later he reinvented his relegated Manchester United side as a vibrant attacking force.He was also, however, a hostage to his own decision-making, costing Chelsea a shot at the First Division title when he banned eight players for breaking their curfew. Most famously, he was fired by United after FA Cup glory because he’d fallen in love with the physiotherapist’s wife. He was a much-travelled manager, and ‘I’ve had more clubs than Jack Nicklaus’ was among the well-worn one-liners that created the image of ‘The Doc’ as football’s stand-up comedian. But in Tommy Doc, David Tossell looks beyond the wisecracks, interviewing Docherty himself, as well as former players and colleagues, to examine a remarkable career and reveal the personal heartaches behind the laughter.
Too Important for the Generals: Losing and Winning the First World War
by Allan Mallinson‘War is too important to be left to the generals’ snapped future French prime minister Georges Clemenceau on learning of yet another bloody and futile offensive on the Western Front. One of the great questions in the ongoing discussions and debate about the First World War is why did winning take so long and exact so appalling a human cost? After all this was a fight that, we were told, would be over by Christmas. Now, in his major new history, Allan Mallinson, former professional soldier and author of the acclaimed 1914: Fight the Good Fight, provides answers that are disturbing as well as controversial, and have a contemporary resonance. He disputes the growing consensus among historians that British generals were not to blame for the losses and setbacks in the ‘war to end all wars’ – that, given the magnitude of their task, they did as well anyone could have. He takes issue with the popular view that the ‘amateur’ opinions on strategy of politicians such as Lloyd George and, especially, Winston Churchill, prolonged the war and increased the death toll. On the contrary, he argues, even before the war began Churchill had a far more realistic, intelligent and humane grasp of strategy than any of the admirals or generals, while very few senior officers – including Sir Douglas Haig – were up to the intellectual challenge of waging war on this scale. And he repudiates the received notion that Churchill’s stature as a wartime prime minister after 1940 owes much to the lessons he learned from his First World War ‘mistakes’ – notably the Dardanelles campaign – maintaining that in fact Churchill’s achievement in the Second World War owes much to the thwarting of his better strategic judgement by the ‘professionals’ in the First – and his determination that this would not be repeated.Mallinson argues that from day one of the war Britain was wrong-footed by absurdly faulty French military doctrine and paid, as a result, an unnecessarily high price in casualties. He shows that Lloyd George understood only too well the catastrophically dysfunctional condition of military policy-making and struggled against the weight of military opposition to fix it. And he asserts that both the British and the French failed to appreciate what the Americans’ contribution to victory could be – and, after the war, to acknowledge fully what it had actually been.
Too Many Tears
by Fiona DoyleAs heard on BBC Radio 4's Woman's Hour'Ireland and its people know that Fiona Doyle is a trailblazer' Sunday Independent'A wrenching read ... Doyle resists giving her story a Hollywood gloss' Irish Independent'[A] hopeful, horrific read' Ray D'Arcy, Today FM'A testament to her resolve and courage. A remarkable story by a remarkable woman' Irish Times'Always inspirational' National Women's Council of Ireland @NWCI'Fiona Doyle is a hero' Roisin Ingle @roisiningle'Well worth reading' Colette Fitzpatrick, MidWeek, TV3Too Many Tears is the moving and inspiring story of how Fiona Doyle came through the agony and humiliation of being sexually abused by her father, how she foudn the strength to seek justice, and how she coped when, at the final hurdle, it appeared that he was about to escape prison.For as long as she can remember, and well into her teens, Fiona's father raped and abused her. Her mother blamed Fiona for leading him on. The effects on her life were catastrophic.Fiona first reported her father, Patrick O'Brien, to the authorities in the early nineties but the police investigation went nowhere. She made a second complaint in 2010 and this time, it appeared, O'Brien would face the consequences of his crimes . He, pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting his daughter and Fiona assumed the next time she came to court, he would be going to jail.Instead, shockingly, having suspended nine years of a twelve-year sentence, the judge released O'Brien on bail. Three days later, following a national outcry and questions in parliament, the presiding judge expressed his 'profound regret' to Fiona Doyle and sent O'Brien to jail.Too Many Tears is Fiona Doyle's story of abuse and its aftermath - the turmoil and isolation she experienced as a child and young girl, the devastating price she continued to pay in her adult life, and how finally she had the courage and tenacity to take on her father - and the authorities - to make him face up to what he had done. It is a startling and inspiring story of survival and hope against the odds.
Tommy Gemmell: Lion Heart
by Graham McColl Tommy GemmellIn Tommy Gemmell: Lion Heart he sheds light on his career - from his earliest days of growing up in Lanarkshire, to his award-winning decade at Celtic, and through his work as a player and manager at Dundee and Albion Rovers. Always honest, Tommy Gemmell is not afraid to look back at Celtic's dominance in the 60s and offers his trademark forthright views on Celtic's progress and the game today.
Tomorrow Is Another Day: An Adams Family Saga Novel (The Adams Family #16)
by Mary Jane StaplesFrom autumn 1941 to the first months of 1942, the war continued to affect the lives of the Adams and Somers families. It was not so much the war, however, as a succession of tragic domestic events that brought a sad and lonely little girl called Phoebe into the care of Susie and Sammy Adams, reminding them of the entry of Rosie as a child into the lives of Boots and Emily. Much needed to be done to cure little Phoebe of her sadness, and it proved a difficult time for Susie and Sammy.Further shadows fell when news came that Tim was a prisoner of war, and that Japan had attacked the American fleet in Pearl Harbour and British bases in the Far East.But Boots's French-born daughter Eloise had her dearest wish come true when she married Colonel Lucas of the Commandos in Alexandria.
Too Much Information: Or: Can Everyone Just Shut Up for a Moment, Some of Us Are Trying to Think
by Dave GormanIt’s hard to imagine a world where anything you could possibly want to know about – and everything you don’t even know you want to know about – isn't accessible 24-hours a day, seven days a week, with just a few taps of our fingers. But that world once existed. And Dave Gorman remembers it. He remembers when there were only three channels on TV. He remembers when mobile phones were the preserve of arrogant estate agents and yuppie twonks. And he remembers when you had to unplug your phone to plug the computer into the landline in order to use the (crippling slow) internet.Nowadays of course, the world is full of people trying to tell us things. So much so that we have taught our brains not to pay much attention. After all, click the mouse, tap the screen, flick the channel and it's on to the next thing. But Dave Gorman thinks it's time to have a closer look, to find out how much nonsense we tacitly accept.Suspicious adverts, baffling newspaper headlines, fake twitter, endless cat videos, insane TV shows where the presenters ask the same questions over and over.Can we even hear ourselves think over the rising din? Or is there just too much information?
Tomorrow Will Be A Good Day: My Autobiography - The Sunday Times No 1 Bestseller
by Captain Tom MooreEmbark on an enchanting journey into our country's past hundred years through the remarkable life of Captain Sir Tom MooreTHE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER'A wonderful life story with lessons for us all . . . beautifully written' DAILY TELEGRAPH'Gloriously enthralling' DAILY MAIL__________Captain Sir Tom Moore's story is all our stories . . .Born at the tail end of the Spanish flu epidemic, Tom Moore was raised in the Yorkshire Dales by a loving family that had not escaped tragedy. Yet when the clouds of war threatened, Tom raised his hand and joined up to fight.The Second World War took him to the Far East, where his can-do spirit was forged. Whether fighting for his life in Burma or helming a firm back home, racing motorbikes or raising a family, he always sought to do his very best. To make a difference to those around him.Captain Tom's story is that of our parents and our grandparents.It is the story of the past hundred years here in Britain.__________'Engaging . . . His upbeat nature shines through and reminds us how much worse this year would have been without him' Evening Standard'A wonderful read. Captain Tom is a beacon of light, and hope, and positivity' Piers Morgan, Life Stories, ITV'A great book' Good Morning Britain'A beautiful book. We have so much to learn from Captain Sir Tom' Chris Evans, Virgin Radio 'Fascinating. It's the life story of an ordinary man who is extraordinary' Michael Ball, BBC Radio 2
The Toon: A Complete History of Newcastle United Football Club
by R Hutchinson Roger HutchinsonThis is the full story, unofficial and uncensored, of one of the greatest football clubs in the country. From its birth in the 1890s to its rebirth in the 1990s and up to season 2003-4, The Toon tells of a small soccer club, long in the shadow of an enormous rival, which grew to eclipse that rival - and every other club in Great Britain. Roger Hutchinson brings to life the sensational early successes of Newcastle United, recreating the great Anglo-Scottish team which dominated the Football League before the First World War. He vividly describes the helter-skelter attacking sides of the 1930s and the Cup giants of the 1950s, and gives us the European conquerors of the 1960s and the squads of the 1970s and '80s, before showing us how today's cosmopolitan side of title-chasing internationals was built.This lively, hard-hitting book portrays the brilliant management of such legends as Frank Watt and takes us down through the thrilling decades right up to the reign of Sir Bobby Robson. In its pages we see the educated play of Andy Aitken and Colin Veitch; we watch as the fast and furious centre-forward play of Jock Peddie paves the way for the era of the great Hughie Gallacher and the unique Jackie Milburn. It assesses the merits of all of their heirs, from Keegan to Beardsley, from Macdonald to Shearer, from Moncur to Dyer. Exploring and explaining the lean years as well as the successful decades, The Toon exposes the bad managers, incompetent directors and players who were unworthy of the black and white stripes. It takes an unflinching look at the lost opportunities and the Geordie footballers who went missing. But it also offers us the geniuses, the household names, the men who have lit up Tyneside and the world beyond in a hundred-year sequence of unforgettable League and Cup campaigns. Most of all, The Toon looks from the past towards a glorious future.
Tomorrow You Die: The Astonishing Survival Story of a Second World War Prisoner of the Japanese
by Andy CooganAndy Coogan was born in Glasgow in 1917, the oldest child of poor Irish immigrants. He was tipped for Olympic glory, but a promising running career was interrupted by war service. His capture during the fall of Singapore marked the beginning of a three-and-a-half-year nightmare of starvation, torture and disease.Andy was imprisoned in the notorious Changi camp before being transported to Taiwan, where he worked as a slave in a copper mine and was twice ordered to dig his own grave. He was later taken to Japan on a hellship voyage that nearly killed him, but Andy’s athleticism and spirit enable him to survive an ordeal in which many died.From his poverty-stricken boyhood in the slums of the Gorbals to the atomic wasteland of Nagasaki, Andy’s life story is vividly recounted in Tomorrow You Die, an epic, compassionate tale that will shock, enthral and inspire.
The Top 100 Recipes from Ready, Steady, Cook!
by Ainsley HarriottWhat does Ready Steady Cook mean to you? For some it means red tomatoes and green peppers, for others frenzied cooking and lively banter. Above all it stands for delicious, mouthwatering food that can be created in twenty minutes. Introduced by chef and presenter, Ainsley Harriott, this book contains 100 of the shows best recipes, tried and tested by its regular contenders - Ross Burden, James Martin, Nick Nairn, Paul Rankin, Tony Tobin, Brian Turner, Phil Vickery, Lesley Waters, Kevin Woodford, Antony Worrall Thompson - and, of course, Ainsley himself. Packed with healthy, delicious recipes, this easy-to-follow book reflects the energy and freshness of the show. It is divided into nine sections: Starters, Soups, Snack and Light Bites, Accompaniments, Vegetarian, Fish and Shellfish, Poultry and Game, Meat and Desserts. The chefs are also highly successful in their own right and many have published their own titles. All appear regularly in Good Food Magazine.
Tom's Sausage Lion
by Michael MorpurgoBut it's true,' Tom shouted. 'It was a real lion, I know it was.'No-one believes Tom when he says he has seen a lion - padding around the orchard with a string of sausages in its mouth! No-one, that is, except for Clare, the cleverest girl in the class. Together, she and Tom plan to prove his story is true - by catching the lion!
Top Gear: The Alternative Highway Code
by Ministry of Top GearAs everyone knows, there are three ways of doing things. The right way, the wrong way and the Top Gear way. Although, on reflection, that's usually just the wrong way, but faster and with more shouting. Anyway, the good news is that this third way of doing things can be applied to almost anything, and that includes motoring in general. All you need is the right guidance, which is where the brand new Top Gear Alternative Highway Code comes in. Top Gear's Altnernative Highway Code will show you how to bring the ambitious but rubbish philosophies of the world's most popular TV programme to your driving, containing advice on general motoring, as well as specific tips on how to deal with common eventualities like a rapidly sinking amphibious camper van, a caravan airship that's just crashed into a small bush, or a stupid home-made limousine that's snapped in half while transporting a top celebrity to an awards ceremony.Road users should not leave home without it.
Tongue In Cheek
by Tabitha FlyteSally's in a pickle. Her conservative bosses won't let her do anything she wants at work and her long-term boyfriend Will has given her the push. Then she meets the beautiful young Marcus outside a local college. Only problem is he's a little too young. She's thirty-something and he's a teenager.But Sally's a spirited young woman and is determined to shake things up at the office and in her personal life. When Mr Finnegan - her lecherous old-fashioned boss - discovers Sally's sexual peccadilloes, he's determined to get some action of his own. He involves the equally perverse Miss Penny Feather and it isn't too long before everyone's enjoying naughty - and very bizarre - shenanigans.
Top Gear: Daft Cars
by Matt MasterFrom flying cars to amphibious vehicles, solar-powered saloons to rockets on wheels, these are over 50 of the most wacky cars ever devised. Fancy a car that drives sideways? Try the Jeep Hurricane. Or maybe a car in which the windows change colour according to your mood for a more serene and health-giving driving experience? That'll be the Toyota RiN. And if you like a flutter, you'll need the Chrysler Town and Country Black Jack, which contains a mini onboard casino.Some concept cars are designed to demonstrate alternative materials and energy sources, or to showcase the gadgets of the future, or even cater for specific lifestyles or groups of people. Many don't even get beyond the prototype stage - for reasons of cost or practicality, or, in the case of the nuclear-powered Ford Nucleon of 1958, the danger of causing a small atomic explosion. Featuring everything from practical experiments such as the hatchback fire engine, and ideas that have managed to make it into production, to stunning yet impractical supercar concepts, this book both celebrates and cringes at some of motoring's most daft - and even idiotic - ideas.
Tongues of Fire
by Seán Hewitt** WINNER OF THE LAUREL PRIZE 2021 ****A SPECTATOR AND IRISH TIMES BOOK OF THE YEAR 2020****SHORTLISTED FOR THE SUNDAY TIMES / UNIVERSITY OF WARWICK YOUNG WRITER OF THE YEAR AWARD 2020****SHORTLISTED FOR THE JOHN POLLARD FOUNDATION INTERNATIONAL POETRY PRIZE 2021****SHORTLISTED FOR THE DALKEY LITERARY EMERGING WRITER OF THE YEAR AWARD 2021**A remarkable first collection by an important new poetIn this collection, Seán Hewitt gives us poems of a rare musicality and grace. By turns searing and meditative, these are lyrics concerned with the matter of the world, its physicality, but also attuned to the proximity of each moment, each thing, to the spiritual. Here, there is sex, grief, and loss, but also a committed dedication to life, hope and renewal. Drawing on the religious, the sacred and the profane, this is a collection in which men meet in the woods, where matter is corrupted and remade. There are prayers, hymns, vespers, incantations, and longer poems which attempt to propel themselves towards the transcendent. In this book, there is always the sense of fragility allied with strength, a violence harnessed and unleashed. The collection ends with a series of elegies for the poet's father: in the face of despair, we are met with a fierce brightness, and a reclamation of the spiritual. 'This is when / we make God, and speak in his voice.'Paying close attention to altered states and the consolations and strangeness of the natural world, this is the first book from a major poet.
Top Gear: Motor Mania
by Ivan Berg Nik BergDid you know that Jasons and Tracies crash more cars than Jacquelines and Damons? Or that a boomerang can be used to repair a knackered clutch? Have you ever wanted to visit a naked car show, wondered what it's like to drive on the world's most dangerous road, or receive the world's most expensive speeding ticket?Want to read about flying cars, amphibious cars, or atomic cars? What about the Accord that can actually strike a chord, or the love car park? Dip inside to find all these plus stacks of other stuff, including cars in films, cars on TV, cars in songs - even cars as coffins.Top Gear: Motor Mania is a car book like no other. It's full of the strangest stories, fascinating facts and spectacular stats - a must for any car nut.
Top Gear: My Dad Had One of Those
by Giles Chapman Richard PorterGood old Dad and his good old Dad's car. As solid and dependable as the man himself, if a little less balding, Dad's car was almost a member of the family, whisking you to exciting days out, or just to visit boring relatives in distant parts of the country to the chant of 'are we nearly there yet?' Like the man behind the wheel, Dad's car made you feel safe and secure, because it was as reassuring and sensible as he was. Maybe in an idle moment Dad dreamt of driving something rakish and fast, just like in idle moments he dreamt that your Mum was Twiggy, but the demands of family life meant soft tops, hard suspension and anything even remotely sporty were off the cards. Even anything less than four doors would have been wildly hedonistic. But although the family car may not have been the very essence of rock 'n' roll, Dad was proud of it. Spanning the 1950s to the '80s, this is a celebration of the heyday of the Dad car. From much loved family workhorses like the Ford Cortina and Vauxhall Viva to the rakish excitement and playground kudos of the Rover 3500 and Citroen CX, all the great Dad cars are here. Reflecting a time before people carriers and lifestyle off roaders, when the nearest thing to an airbag was hiding behind your fat brother, this is a celebration of simple, honest cars that were as flawed and as loveable as your Dad himself.
Tongues of Flame
by Tim ParksThe gift of tongues, prophecy exorcism. . . what might such concepts mean in a complacent backwater of North London? For Richard Bowen, adolescence becomes a nightmare when his parents join the charismatic movement and find a devil in his brother.Winner of the Somerset Maugham and Betty Trask Awards.
Toni Morrison: The Essential Guide (Vintage Living Texts #14)
by Margaret Reynolds Jonathan Noakes Louisa JoynerIn Vintage Living Texts, teachers and students will find the essential guide to the works of Toni Morrison. Vintage Living Texts is unique in that it offers an in-depth interview with Toni Morrison, relating specifically to the texts under discussion. This guide deals with Morrison's themes, genre and narrative technique, and a close reading of the texts will provide a rich source of ideas for intelligent and inventive ways of approaching the novels.Also included in this guide are detailed reading plans for the novels, questions for essays and discussion, contextual material, suggested texts for complementary and comparative reading, extracts from reviews, a biography, bibliography and a glossary of literary terms. Whether a teacher, student or general reader, Vintage Living Texts gives you the chance to explore new resources and enjoy new pleasures.
Top Gear Ultimate Supercars
by Jason BarlowGuaranteed to rev the engines of car fans everywhere.Supercars are the purest and most extreme expression of automotive performance there is - and no one knows the territory better than the TopGear team. With ever-increasing power outputs, radical new designs, and eye-popping price tags, this book is a celebration of the supercar in all its fabulous glory. Supercars also brings this incredibly fast-moving, hi-octane world bang up to date. The world's best writers and photographers explore the latest developments in thrilling style - from the new generation of pure-electric cars that have raised the bar for zero emissions performance, to the crazy machines hell-bent on breaking the 300mph barrier ... this is TopGear Supercars. Buckle up. Are you ready?
Tono-Bungay
by H. G. WellsPresented as a miraculous cure-all, Tono-Bungay is in fact nothing other than a pleasant-tasting liquid with no positive effects. Nonetheless, when the young George Ponderevo is employed by his Uncle Edward to help market this ineffective medicine, he finds his life overwhelmed by its sudden success. Soon, the worthless substance is turned into a formidable fortune, as society becomes convinced of the merits of Tono-Bungay through a combination of skilled advertising and public credulity. As the newly rich George discovers, however, there is far more to class in England than merely the possession of wealth.
Top Gear's Midlife Crisis Cars
by Matt MasterFollowing up on Crap Cars and My Dad Had One of Those, Top Gear celebrates the midlife crisis with the definitive collection of the flashest, fastest, most impractical cars ever to be found in the driveways of otherwise perfectly sensible men.Drawing on the high level of expertise in this area, Top Gear explores the phenomenon of motoring and the midlife crisis, identifying over 50 classics of the genre across four desperate decades. From Ford Capri to Ferrari Testarossa, it celebrates the flashest, fastest and most ridiculous attempts to cover a bald spot, meanwhile offering a profound insight into the complex psychology of a middle-aged man and his quest for eternal youth.Top Gear's Midlife Crisis Cars both rejoices and recoils at the time-honoured tradition of flushing the children's inheritance on something you're too arthritic to get into in the first place.
The Top of Her Game
by Emma HollyHas city slicker Julia met her match in a rugged Montana cowboy?t's not only Julia's professional acumen that has men quaking in their shoes - she also has a taste for keeping men in line after office hours. With an impressive collection of whips and high heels to her name, she sure has some kinky ways of showing affection. But Julia's been searching all her life for a man who won't be tamed too quickly - and when she meets rugged dude rancher Zach on a business get-together in Montana, she thinks she might have found him.He may be a simple countryman, but he's not about to take any nonsense from an uppity city woman like Julia. Zach's full of surprises: where she thinks he's tough, he turns out to be gentle; when she's confident she's got this particular cowboy broken in, he turns the tables on her. Underneath the big sky of Montana, has the steely Julia finally met her match?